Sunday, September 4, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 2

Continuing with a tutorial for all 21st century women:

6. Your own personal checking account. This is necessary to ensure excellent control of budgetary issues.  Personal checks come in a wide variety of colors, patterns and logos. Men opt for banker blue, grass stain green, or their alma mater logo. Do we ladies want checks reflecting us  promoting Jock U? No! So take control.

If checks are to idealize a beverage, beer is out, champagne is in. Avoid any pictures addressing martial arts, team sports, male bonding activities like poker night, anything noisy such as shooting or NASCAR, and anything with a penis.

Watermark type identifiers can be added to the paper for a modest fee to ensure your checks are genuine. Recommended watermarks include “PMS Queen”, the “female” symbol, or a caricature of Queen Elizabeth or any Kardashian.

If a joint checking account is needed for household expenses, make sure both signatures are required for endorsement.

You: Hi Honey-What’s in the box?

Him: For opening a new checking account at Cocksure Credit Union I got this stuffed sailfish to mount above the fireplace for free.

You: That thing is eight feet long and we don’t have a fireplace.

Him: It would look great over the bed.

You: You bought yourself a bed for the guestroom?

Him: (typing furiously): The fish is for sale on eBay right now. I’ll put it in the garage. Then I’ll close out the account and stop by the jewelers. 

She: While you’re waiting for them to engrave “I am a moron” and your initials, pick up some milk and a humble pie. 

7. Biweekly eyebrow waxing. Facial hair is for men only and then in moderation. Follow your salon’s advice and check for unwanted hair creeping in on lips or chin. Invest in a good selection of tweezers for emergencies.
Personal waxing in other female areas may be a positive asset in your social relations. Don’t be afraid to have a frank discussion with your potential partner about his body hair. He may need a trip to the salon, too. If he loves you he will go. You may end up with another diamond.

8.  Really good coffee or tea. One of the best ways to start the morning is a cup or two of your favorite hot beverage. Quality beverages, high end appliances, and accessories are well worth the cost. Make sure you have detailed instructions as to your personal specifications displayed prominently so your overnight “guest” will have no excuses when he brings you a wake up brew. You may end up with another diamond.

9. Your therapist’s phone number on speed dial. Even with careful preparations, an occasional clunker happens personally or professionally. Human nature cannot be eradicated. Don’t beat yourself up. Make that call. Note: Before you accept services of a potential therapist, have him sign your contract as to availability windows, fee rates and service guarantee. You may end up with another diamond. In this case, emeralds, rubies or sapphires are acceptable alternatives and can mount up quickly.
10. Formal length white gloves. This once mandatory fashion accessory is making a comeback. Multiple uses include non slip grip, a place to store anything from cash and condoms to jump drives and safety deposit keys obtained through foreplay (see:
Elbow length gloves can be a fun accessory in intimate settings in many ways and they prevent the deposit of fingerprints.
Stay tuned for tips 11-30.