Thursday, September 15, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 4

Lest Mama be accused of unfair practices toward the non-feminine gender, here are some tips oriented to help maintain a harmoniously balanced relationship:

16. Book Day Spa appointments for both of you. A hot stone massage, facial, mani-pedi afternoon does wonders for the body and soul. Sadly, many men are somewhat squeamish about a male masseuse ministering to their stressed muscles even though you know the worth.

You: Come on, honey- this is good for you.  

Him: I’m not lying naked under a tiny towel while a 6’7” guy named Olaf rubs his hands on my skin.

You: Would you prefer a female masseuse?

Him: Now you’re talking. Can I have one in a string bikini? I might not even need the towel. Heehee.

You: Wait here a minute. I’ll see who is available.

Him: Ohboyohboyohboy…

You (a minute later): You’re in luck. The twins just got here. 

Him: This is worth taking a vacation day.

You: Go right in this door and Nettie and Lettie will be in as soon as they change. They brought the pink polka dot bikinis today.

Him: I gotta send a quick tweet.

You:  (Turning lock in door) Since they are 79 years old you may have to help them with the walkers a bit. And make sure they don’t get scented oil in their hearing aids. It could short out something. See you in a couple hours. C’mon, Olaf.

Olaf: Da. Da da da da da daaaaa….

17. Working knowledge of basic vehicle mechanics is quite important in case an emergency occurs on the road.

You: I didn’t realize you knew how to replace spark plug wires.

Him: I guess that course I took a while back is paying off. This should hold us until we get to a mechanic. Good thing you had your eyelash curler handy.

You: Well, you never know. Thanks for letting me drive. I need some more practice with a standard transmission. What’s this button?

Him: Don’t touch that!

Sultry Voice: Hey Big Guy- good to see you again. Pull over and we’ll get started. I have your credit card number on file. Do you want package 1 or 2 today?

You: *Screeching to a halt* Are you having cybersex in this car disguised as OnStar?

Him: I have no idea how that button got there.

You: *Pushing real OnStar button* Hello?

OnStar Operator: What is your emergency?

You: Mavis? Is that you?

Mavis: Yes. Hi Hon. What’s up today? 

You: I am having a personal issue here.

Mavis: I’ll take a look.  Hmm…what is this second account I see on your profile?  (typing)  OnStud?  Really…Those hackers are getting more sophisticated all the time. I’ll just disable it and block all these other peripherals, too.

You: Thanks.

Mavis: What else can I do for you? You’re pretty far away from town.

You: I need a tow and a ride. And also directions to lodging for one.

Mavis: I’ll send the truck and the limo. Now turn right at the next crossroad.  Bubba’s Bide-A-Wee is just a couple miles down Rattlesnake Rd. on the right. You can’t miss it. Just stay in the car until you get the “all clear” signal. I’ll control the passenger door lock from here.

You: Thanks, Mavis. I’ll see you for drinks after work.

Mavis: You bet. Do you want me to call the jeweler? I put him on Speed Dial.

18.Celebrating special days with the one you love is worth all the extra planning. While you may enjoy a candlelit dinner and rose petal strewn bubble bath for two, make sure you chose an appealing activity for your partner’s special day.

Him: I can’t believe you got third row tickets for this event. 

You: It’s your birthday. I know how much you enjoy the Miss Universe Pageant. And it’s being broadcast on live TV to 127 countries. 

Him: But why do they have that ring with a pond of mud in the center? 

You: Shhh… It’s starting.

Announcer: As a special treat opening the second half of the competition we have the three finalists from the Miss Mud Wrestling Universe Pageant here to demonstrate how they took down the competition.

Him: Those women are huge. They look like guys in catsuits. They could try out for the NFL.

You: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Announcer: We have selected one audience member to join them in the demonstration. Come on down, Section C, Row 3, Seat 9.

Him: That’s MY seat!

You:  Happy Birthday, Honey. Here comes Chorkina to escort you.

Chorkina (slinging him over her shoulder and heading toward mud pit): Com vid me, looky man. Ve vill pomp you op real gud. Da.

Him: Hellllpppp!

You: What? I can’t hear you with the crowd yelling, and I’m posting this on my News Feed as we speak. Have fun.