Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Earline Learns to Cook…

Mr. Muscles (stepping out of shower and wrapping towel around himself): Now that was an interesting experience. I never thought soot had so many forms.

Mama (stepping out of shower and letting Mr. Muscles wrap her in a towel): Whatever possessed that girl to experiment in the kitchen without proper supervision? Out of the water she is a disaster.

Mr. Muscles: She was babbling earlier but it was a bit incoherent. We should go talk with her now that the fire trucks have left. I think the EMT’s cleared her of smoke inhalation effects after oxygen therapy.

Mama: A shame we have to dress again. I can think of a more useful and pleasurable activity considering our state of dishabille.

Mr. Muscles: Only one?

Mama: At a time…

Twenty minutes later:

Earline: I thought that since I am in college, I should become more independent.

Mama: A laudable idea but you have never cooked anything, have you?

Earline: No, but I can boil water in a microwave. You just push the button that says, “Boil water”

Mr. Muscles: That’s fine for Ramen or tea, as long as you remember the water, but just because you have a kitchen in your suite with some other swimmers, it doesn’t automatically imbue you with culinary prowess.

Mama: Exactly what happened, Earline?

Earline: Well, most of the recipes from those online cooking sites take so long to make. I thought a few shortcuts would speed things along.

Mama: Such as?

Earline: Well, I found everything in the pantry I needed. It took a while. That place is huge.

Mr. Muscles: Yes, we designed the communal dining area kitchens with the latest in equipment and supplies to help the chefs personalize meals for optimal athletic output. It is part of the Muscles, Inc. Sports Science Program. Perhaps you should consider taking a basic physiology class next semester.

Earline: Is Dr. Z going to be teaching again? It’s enough that I have to listen to him for Chemistry.

Mama: I thought you liked him.

Earline: As a person, he is dreamy. As a teacher, he is harsh. He makes us do work.

Mama: And…

Earline: So I thought that to speed up dinner, instead of 325 degrees for 60 minutes, I could turn up the oven to 650 degrees for 30 minutes. I was going to try 1300 degrees for 15 minutes but it didn’t go that high. Then I got a call and we were talking about the Chemistry lab and I forgot to check the oven and then everything was spewing smoke and the fire alarm went off and I forgot where the door was. So it is really Zebrudus’ fault for distracting me with so much lab work and I am tired and want to cry.

Mama: It is past now. Nobody was injured and the kitchen can be cleaned quickly. The North Punty Fire Department arrived within 3 minutes and all will be fine in a few days. 

Mr. Muscles: Zebrudus is not at fault. You need to organize your time better and prioritize your needs. 

Mama: Perhaps some cooking lessons for many of you would be in order. I believe Anne Burrell may have a few weeks’ break in her TV schedule. I will call her tomorrow. But if you think Zebrudus is a tough taskmaster, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Earline: I am sorry. I will try harder.

Mama: You will not just try, you will do exactly as you are told.

Earline: Yes, ma’am.

Mama: Now off with you.

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Zebrudus: Come, Earline. Perhaps a nice massage will be helpful.

Earline (Blushing): Um… I… Oh hell- ok. I mean- is it ok?

Mama: Consider it a private tutoring experience. You may wish to share your analysis of his teaching style.

(They exit)

Mr. Muscles: Now where were we before all this?

Mama: Considering kitchen activities?

Mr. Muscles (taking her hand and heading up the stairs):  Dessert, m’dear?

Mama (peering into shopping bag): Whipped cream- check; chocolate syrup- check; strawberries- check.

Mr. Muscles: Champagne chilling in ice bucket- check. Now where are the plates?

Mama: (pulling of his shirt and pushing him backward onto the bed): Plates? *Giggle*

Friday, September 23, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 5

Personal issues? Nah- solved!

19. Collection of personal pleasure items. Let’s face it, ladies - Sometimes those intimate date nights just don’t turn out as satisfying as one expects even with the paperwork and investigation and vetting ahead of time. Your idea of kinky doesn’t always gel with his (or hers). Sometimes you feel like getting all dolled up and gliding into the routine of “date”; other times the need is urgent but time is short or you may just want to fly solo. It’s okay that “Product” trumps “Process” sometimes. After all, that’s the way most men think and often act. But in the end Mick Jagger was wrong. Modern women easily bypass “but I try and I try and I try”. We get Satisfaction.

20.Your own Zip Code. Junk mail? Annoying letters and solicitations from unwanted businesses and vendors? Your own zip or postal code is the answer. Some addresses already have them such as the United Nations in NYC. Don’t think it isn’t possible. There are plenty of unused number and/or letter combinations available. The U.S. Postal Service is so far in debt that a modest contribution is sure to seal the deal. 

You can control snail mail you want to receive, and give out your Zip only to businesses you want to receive deliveries from such as florists, jewelers, and some “specialty” shoppes. They will be quite motivated not to share your personal information considering your deliveries from “admirers” account for a considerable part of their revenue. Make sure the trusted vendor list is included in the goody bag you hand out after every satisfying date. 

21. Competent medical specialists. One never knows when an unforeseen medical issue may arise or you may need to refer a friend to a discreet physician for care. Most doctors are professional and will not discuss any clients but you want ones whom you feel are trustworthy. A trustworthy name helps a patient feel confident in their doctor’s level of competence. Choose a physician or specialist who inspires confidence. Doctor names to avoid include:

Primary Care: Dr. Quack, Dr. Bookem (esp. if his first name is Danno)

ENT: Dr. Finger, Dr. M. Ucus, Dr. E.R. Drum

Urologist: Dr. Leakey, Dr. K. Stone

OB/GYN: Dr. Rammin Jinn, Dr. Krab

Dentist: Dr. Dee. Kay, Dr. Whir

Pain Management: Dr. Kervorkian

Psychiatrist: Dr. F. Royd, Dr. Sy Kotropic

22.A phony persona. This is a must for all dating sites, business cards, online listings, “reply to” ads and other communicative venues. Set up at least one or two fake people you can easily pull out of your brain in a second, especially after a couple drinks. Practice conversations ahead of time so you can lie convincingly and without hesitation. This can be quite useful if you receive unwanted attention from an undesirable male:

Him: Hi Sweetcheeks- Ain’t you just the cutest thang here. What’s yer name?

You: Sweet Cheeks.

Him *wrinkling brow*: oh- har har. You had me goin’ there for a second. What’s yer real name?

You: Lulu. Lulu Fartsnapple.

Him: I’m Buster. Buster Chops.

You: I’m sure you are. Is that your job?

Him: Nah. I’m in the Rodeo.

You: I never would have guessed. Is that why both your eyes are on the same side of your face?

Him: Really? They are? Lemme buy you a drink. Whatcher havin’?

You: The Snake Oil Special listed up on the board.

Him: Never seen that one before. $34?  Must be powerful stuff. Be right back.

(Returns with beverage before you can escape through the crowd).

You : * sipping* So what is your speciality in the rodeo- clown?

Him: Bull. Riding, Miz Lulu. But I wouldn’t mind practicing some Ropin’ with you.

You: (Dumping cocktail down front of his pants) Oops. Well, my job is orchard manager. In your case I see two over ripe fruit hanging off a tiny withered branch. I’ll just get my pruners.

Him: Time for me to vamoose.

You: Don’t let the barn doors whack you into the manure pile.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 4

Lest Mama be accused of unfair practices toward the non-feminine gender, here are some tips oriented to help maintain a harmoniously balanced relationship:

16. Book Day Spa appointments for both of you. A hot stone massage, facial, mani-pedi afternoon does wonders for the body and soul. Sadly, many men are somewhat squeamish about a male masseuse ministering to their stressed muscles even though you know the worth.

You: Come on, honey- this is good for you.  

Him: I’m not lying naked under a tiny towel while a 6’7” guy named Olaf rubs his hands on my skin.

You: Would you prefer a female masseuse?

Him: Now you’re talking. Can I have one in a string bikini? I might not even need the towel. Heehee.

You: Wait here a minute. I’ll see who is available.

Him: Ohboyohboyohboy…

You (a minute later): You’re in luck. The twins just got here. 

Him: This is worth taking a vacation day.

You: Go right in this door and Nettie and Lettie will be in as soon as they change. They brought the pink polka dot bikinis today.

Him: I gotta send a quick tweet.

You:  (Turning lock in door) Since they are 79 years old you may have to help them with the walkers a bit. And make sure they don’t get scented oil in their hearing aids. It could short out something. See you in a couple hours. C’mon, Olaf.

Olaf: Da. Da da da da da daaaaa….

17. Working knowledge of basic vehicle mechanics is quite important in case an emergency occurs on the road.

You: I didn’t realize you knew how to replace spark plug wires.

Him: I guess that course I took a while back is paying off. This should hold us until we get to a mechanic. Good thing you had your eyelash curler handy.

You: Well, you never know. Thanks for letting me drive. I need some more practice with a standard transmission. What’s this button?

Him: Don’t touch that!

Sultry Voice: Hey Big Guy- good to see you again. Pull over and we’ll get started. I have your credit card number on file. Do you want package 1 or 2 today?

You: *Screeching to a halt* Are you having cybersex in this car disguised as OnStar?

Him: I have no idea how that button got there.

You: *Pushing real OnStar button* Hello?

OnStar Operator: What is your emergency?

You: Mavis? Is that you?

Mavis: Yes. Hi Hon. What’s up today? 

You: I am having a personal issue here.

Mavis: I’ll take a look.  Hmm…what is this second account I see on your profile?  (typing)  OnStud?  Really…Those hackers are getting more sophisticated all the time. I’ll just disable it and block all these other peripherals, too.

You: Thanks.

Mavis: What else can I do for you? You’re pretty far away from town.

You: I need a tow and a ride. And also directions to lodging for one.

Mavis: I’ll send the truck and the limo. Now turn right at the next crossroad.  Bubba’s Bide-A-Wee is just a couple miles down Rattlesnake Rd. on the right. You can’t miss it. Just stay in the car until you get the “all clear” signal. I’ll control the passenger door lock from here.

You: Thanks, Mavis. I’ll see you for drinks after work.

Mavis: You bet. Do you want me to call the jeweler? I put him on Speed Dial.

18.Celebrating special days with the one you love is worth all the extra planning. While you may enjoy a candlelit dinner and rose petal strewn bubble bath for two, make sure you chose an appealing activity for your partner’s special day.

Him: I can’t believe you got third row tickets for this event. 

You: It’s your birthday. I know how much you enjoy the Miss Universe Pageant. And it’s being broadcast on live TV to 127 countries. 

Him: But why do they have that ring with a pond of mud in the center? 

You: Shhh… It’s starting.

Announcer: As a special treat opening the second half of the competition we have the three finalists from the Miss Mud Wrestling Universe Pageant here to demonstrate how they took down the competition.

Him: Those women are huge. They look like guys in catsuits. They could try out for the NFL.

You: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Announcer: We have selected one audience member to join them in the demonstration. Come on down, Section C, Row 3, Seat 9.

Him: That’s MY seat!

You:  Happy Birthday, Honey. Here comes Chorkina to escort you.

Chorkina (slinging him over her shoulder and heading toward mud pit): Com vid me, looky man. Ve vill pomp you op real gud. Da.

Him: Hellllpppp!

You: What? I can’t hear you with the crowd yelling, and I’m posting this on my News Feed as we speak. Have fun.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 3

Continuing on:

11. The Little Black Dress. This basic fashion staple that can be accessorized to fit almost any occasion.

Appropriate accessories include gemstone jewelry such as necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of varying sizes and combinations depending on the gravity or elegance of the gathering. Reserve tiara for occasions when the floor length black dress is de rigueur. 

Accessories to avoid include:

* Live animals. Although Fifi and you are inseparable most times, a pooch stole is not welcome in many establishments, particularly restaurants. Something about Health Code violations…

* Certain footwear selections. Heels or ballet flats are fine. Uggs and anything from the L.L. Bean catalog are not acceptable unless you are Sarah Palin.

* Fish net stockings. These are acceptable only if one is standing on a street corner at 3 AM in a very short black dress researching one’s next novel.

12. Personal safety deposit box. Many banking establishment provide these secure containers in vaults for safekeeping of valuable items. Rent is minimal and is well worth the fee. Select a large size as valuables will quickly accumulate over the years. 
Include such items as stock certificates, bearer bonds, DNA evidence, raw gemstones (remove cut stones from settings to save space and simplify transport), video and auditory recordings, still photos, fingerprint records, jump drives, SIM cards and CDs, address and phone records by date, receipts (for alibi purposes) and similar items that may be needed to remind someone of his connection to you.

13. Smart Phone.  In addition to calling, you can access the Internet from almost anywhere, email, chat, pay bills, watch TV and movies, check surveillance camera feeds, hack into anything electronic, record video and audio images with one touch. Fits into the palm of your hand for easy, subtle access. Available in a variety of styles and with covers to match any outfit.

14. Personal chef. Can be “on call” as needed. Sometimes a girl doesn’t have time to prepare a gourmet repast when softening up a …er …getting to know a new “friend”. Subtle combinations of herbs and spices wafting tempting aromas through a room often get more than one type of appetite flowing. This can save valuable time and allow you to still get 8 or 9 hours of beauty sleep.

15. Your own bathroom. There is nothing more disgusting than unrinsed toothbrushing spit and whisker stubble stuck to the sink. And just what is that man goo clinging to the shower tile and crawling out of the drain?

Locksmith: You’re all set ma’am. Here are the new keys to the entry door. 

You: Thanks so much for the rush job.

Locksmith: No problem. The upstairs is done, too. I’ve got to tell you, though, this is the first time I’ve installed a retinal scanner on a master bathroom door. 

You: Here’s a $1,000 tip. 

Locksmith: That’s very generous.

You: Don’t worry- I have it all covered in the prenup. 

Locksmith: I’ll just finish up putting the shower head on the garden hose out back and I’ll be on my way. The credit card swiper to turn on the water is a unique feature, too. 

You: I’m just glad the Quick Response Disaster Recovery team got here early this morning. The guys’ Weekend in the Bayou apparently didn’t turn out quite as they hoped. Next time they will be more careful before typing “Cragslist” instead of “Craigslist”.

Locksmith: An unfortunate spelling error.

You: It took Quick Response longer that expected to remove all the slimy green stuff. They could hardly keep up with the growth rate and the bubbling ooze gave off methane gas. Plus they had to catch the frogs first.

Locksmith: The Truck Stop at Exit 42 has those pay showers. 

You: I’ll tape a note to the door. Thanks. Oh- here comes the Brinks truck. I’m expecting a delivery. Would you like to see my new bling?

Locksmith: Sure… Maybe I can help you. I’m real good with clasps and keys and such. 

You: *Giggle*