Friday, September 23, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 5

Personal issues? Nah- solved!

19. Collection of personal pleasure items. Let’s face it, ladies - Sometimes those intimate date nights just don’t turn out as satisfying as one expects even with the paperwork and investigation and vetting ahead of time. Your idea of kinky doesn’t always gel with his (or hers). Sometimes you feel like getting all dolled up and gliding into the routine of “date”; other times the need is urgent but time is short or you may just want to fly solo. It’s okay that “Product” trumps “Process” sometimes. After all, that’s the way most men think and often act. But in the end Mick Jagger was wrong. Modern women easily bypass “but I try and I try and I try”. We get Satisfaction.

20.Your own Zip Code. Junk mail? Annoying letters and solicitations from unwanted businesses and vendors? Your own zip or postal code is the answer. Some addresses already have them such as the United Nations in NYC. Don’t think it isn’t possible. There are plenty of unused number and/or letter combinations available. The U.S. Postal Service is so far in debt that a modest contribution is sure to seal the deal. 

You can control snail mail you want to receive, and give out your Zip only to businesses you want to receive deliveries from such as florists, jewelers, and some “specialty” shoppes. They will be quite motivated not to share your personal information considering your deliveries from “admirers” account for a considerable part of their revenue. Make sure the trusted vendor list is included in the goody bag you hand out after every satisfying date. 

21. Competent medical specialists. One never knows when an unforeseen medical issue may arise or you may need to refer a friend to a discreet physician for care. Most doctors are professional and will not discuss any clients but you want ones whom you feel are trustworthy. A trustworthy name helps a patient feel confident in their doctor’s level of competence. Choose a physician or specialist who inspires confidence. Doctor names to avoid include:

Primary Care: Dr. Quack, Dr. Bookem (esp. if his first name is Danno)

ENT: Dr. Finger, Dr. M. Ucus, Dr. E.R. Drum

Urologist: Dr. Leakey, Dr. K. Stone

OB/GYN: Dr. Rammin Jinn, Dr. Krab

Dentist: Dr. Dee. Kay, Dr. Whir

Pain Management: Dr. Kervorkian

Psychiatrist: Dr. F. Royd, Dr. Sy Kotropic

22.A phony persona. This is a must for all dating sites, business cards, online listings, “reply to” ads and other communicative venues. Set up at least one or two fake people you can easily pull out of your brain in a second, especially after a couple drinks. Practice conversations ahead of time so you can lie convincingly and without hesitation. This can be quite useful if you receive unwanted attention from an undesirable male:

Him: Hi Sweetcheeks- Ain’t you just the cutest thang here. What’s yer name?

You: Sweet Cheeks.

Him *wrinkling brow*: oh- har har. You had me goin’ there for a second. What’s yer real name?

You: Lulu. Lulu Fartsnapple.

Him: I’m Buster. Buster Chops.

You: I’m sure you are. Is that your job?

Him: Nah. I’m in the Rodeo.

You: I never would have guessed. Is that why both your eyes are on the same side of your face?

Him: Really? They are? Lemme buy you a drink. Whatcher havin’?

You: The Snake Oil Special listed up on the board.

Him: Never seen that one before. $34?  Must be powerful stuff. Be right back.

(Returns with beverage before you can escape through the crowd).

You : * sipping* So what is your speciality in the rodeo- clown?

Him: Bull. Riding, Miz Lulu. But I wouldn’t mind practicing some Ropin’ with you.

You: (Dumping cocktail down front of his pants) Oops. Well, my job is orchard manager. In your case I see two over ripe fruit hanging off a tiny withered branch. I’ll just get my pruners.

Him: Time for me to vamoose.

You: Don’t let the barn doors whack you into the manure pile.