Saturday, July 23, 2011

Secrets to a Successful Marriage

In just a few hours, New York State officials will be legally empowered to perform same sex marriages. According to the news media and  people who track statistics, “thousands” of same sex couples have purchased marriage licenses, some waiting on the first available day in line beginning at pre-dawn hours to fill out paperwork for a future privilege.
Two cities in New York will open offices at midnight. In Albany the mayor will officiate at the first union at 12:01 AM. One local gay bar is holding a pre marriage reception (perhaps in reverse of the usual order of things) for the two men who will be uniting as a couple. Congratulations to them and those who follow.
In light of the current focus on marriage in New York, Mama wishes to dispense sage advice to all newly married couples regardless of the gender of the two people involved.
Traditional marriage is supposedly based on love. Love will be everlasting. Love will conquer all. Love will see us through- richer, poorer, better, worse, etc. Of course, the less stress, the more likely two people will live harmoniously; ergo, richer, better, healthy, etc. are desirable. Nobody normal enters a union looking for poverty, poor health, bad times, bunions, flatulence, snoring, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Recently Mama, Inc, interviewed several hundred couples who have been married to their one and only partner for over 40 years. If you can stand someone for at least forty years, chances are pretty good you can tolerate them for the next forty, mainly since any change is too much to fathom after that. Why go to all the trouble breaking in somebody else.
Here are snippets of wisdom gleaned from the interviews:
Couple 1:
He: We have slept in the same bed every night since we were married 57 years ago.
She: Not always at the same time.
Couple 2:
He: As the years pass she has stopped snoring. She’s more beautiful now than the day I married her 42 years ago.
She: You have developed cataracts and a hearing loss.
Couple 3:
He: She always put me first in all she did.
She: First I put his personal hygiene items in the guest bathroom. Next I put his clothes in the guest room dresser. Then I put his pillow on the guest room bed. Then I put him in the guest  bed.
Couple 4:
He: After we had been married for 10 years I took her to Hawaii for our anniversary.
She: It was such a wonderful trip.
He: Last week, for our 50th anniversary I went back and picked her up.

Mama says,  “Life happens. It’s not about self, but selfless. Only when one gives away self can one receive self back.”

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Carrots are Food and Friends

In an effort to continue promoting a healthy lifestyle for people birth through adulthood, Mama, Inc. is researching methods to introduce healthy eating habits early in life so they will become permanent adult habits.
Somehow vegetables have gotten a bad reputation and young children more often than not wrinkle up their noses when offered carrot sticks and cucumber slices for snacks. Alternately, bribes of unhealthy sweets establish a pattern of corruption, payola and graft with parents, teaching immoral and unethical methodologies aka the end justifies the means.
Stop being push overs to your kids. Give them what they are supposed to eat without compromise. When they get hungry, they will eat what is available.
Recipes to help establish balanced meals are fun and kids can be taught good cooking habits early on, too. Here are some examples:
1.   Cucumber ice cream: Toss in a few mint leaves for a summer refresher. Minty freshness will taste yummy. You may want to dispose of the cucumber seeds first.
2.   Kids will eat almost anything with tomato sauce on it. And there is a veggie serving in itself. For added fiber, cut cereal bars into rotini shapes and spoon pizza sauce over them. Cheese is optional but a great source of calcium.
3.   Get out the juicer. Light colored veggies juiced up to look like milk, such as cauliflower and turnips, can go over nutritious cereal such as Special K (K for Kale). Add parsnips for a nippy change of pace. Vanilla can give a sweeter flavor.
4.   Pizza is always a kid fave. Sliced up carrots sprinkled with oregano will pass for pepperoni. Spinach and collard greens look like spices when cut up.
5.   Dip celery sticks into chocolate as edible dessert chopsticks. Have a race to see who can pick up the most peas. Winner gets choice of pancake additive- shredded carrots or diced peppers.
6.   Hide a few colored frosting sprinkles among lettuce leaves and have the kids find the bugs.
7.   Pea soup is yummy, especially over pancakes or waffles. Top with a cherry for a color contrast.
8.   Now for juice. The trend is for Cran- everything. I’ll bet you never drank CranPruneGrape.
9.   How about AvacadoApple?
That’s enough to get started. Let your imagination fly.
So you see, veggies are easy to incorporate into kids’ diets. And for exercise, chase them down the street brandishing a handful of broccoli.

Mama says, “ Yummy for the tummy keeps the brain from getting scummy.”

Monday, July 4, 2011

Condoms- the Multipurpose Accessory

For educational and informational purposes and to uphold the highest rigorous standards of scientific research, Mama, Inc. has worked hard over the past several months to evaluate many types of condoms. Using methods that involve comparison, contrast, interview, experimentation, empirical evidence, forensic analysis, observation, inspection and many additional “tion”s and “ic”s, Mama, Inc., along with several subsidiaries, not the least of which is Muscles, Inc. has defined new and cutting edge technology for better, safer and expanded use of condoms in your life.
First, a review of condom types is in order. The purpose will become clear in a bit, so hang tough, so to speak. Condoms come in every color imaginable, and some a bit unbelievable. Neon colors, plaids, for die hard Scots, polka dots, stripes, any pattern. Some have rulers in case size really matters, some have pictures of celebrities including world leaders or rock stars, royalty, financial gurus, etc. You can even send away to have your own likeness imprinted from a favorite photo.
T-Rex, kitchen appliances, sporting paraphernalia such as golf clubs and baseball bats, cowboy boots, famous sayings and quotes all adorn condoms. Medical grossness (spots, boils, weeping sores) may be one’s choice but this seems a bit off putting for certain times.
Sound options also exist. One version whistles several ditties from which one can choose. The faster the action, the faster the song plays. The music can even be broadcast through one’s 4g phone or iPad once the technology is hooked up. Mama’s vote goes to “Rule Britannia” since military posture is usually desirable.
Bling adorns many condoms. Ribs, feathers, jewels, sparkles, solid or blinking lights, glow in the dark all provide features that could be useful in emergency situations like power failures or vehicular malfunctions. An OnStar operator interviewed confirmed that the visual effect of blinking lights viewed through the sun roof once helped emergency responders in a helicopter locate a person in need experiencing a personal problem involving a vehicle component.
Size variations are very important features for many reasons to be explained below.
So, now armed with all this information, the 21st century woman can multitask with a multifunctional tool to fit almost every need.
First, gather together eleven friends. Motor to your favorite big box retail outlet or pharmacy. Enter in groups of 2 or 3 and surreptitiously meet in the family planning aisle. This plan avoids drawing suspicious glances from unwanted snoopers such as security guards, unattractive, desperate, single men looking to score, religious whackos, and probably Romanian males (see previous blog for details).
Some groups may want to bring a cart or basket with a few random items already included. Fake purchases aimed at giving out the “leave me alone” vibe include lice shampoo, hemorrhoid cream, heavy duty sanitary products, six or seven types of depilatories, constipation relief pills, Fig Newtons, Extra Strength toilet tissue, air sanitizer spray, and several  garlic bulbs.
Next, each person should select a dozen box of their condom of choice. Head to the check out and carefully sneak the unwanted fake purchases into carts of other shoppers as you go. Be assured this will make for lively conversations later. You may all want to go to the same check out. If so, choose a high school boy (he will have great dreams tonight) or an older woman (she will also have great dreams tonight).
Be sure to pose for photos as you leave with the person checking receipts at the door, and later post them on Facebook. Include a witty caption such as, “Chauncy moonlighting as pimp- anonymous tip to IRS follows.” Include the phone number of several real estate or insurance agents.
Meet up and dole out the condoms so everybody gets one of each kind. Now your personal experiments begin.
Suggested uses:
·        Coin holders- one for each coin denomination. No more rooting around in change purses while holding up check out lines.
·        Tourniquet- while it is best to avoid close contact with vipers, gila monsters, intravenous drug users and out of practice or unemployed hematologists, one should always be prepared.
·        Bandages- One doesn’t always remember tuck one into a purse or pocket. Who needs the extra bulk when you already have a form of sanitary covering with you?
·        Cover that blister when new shoes rub unexpectedly. You will receive many compliments on your glow in the dark anklets.
·        Sick bag. Reserve the XL size for this emergency.
·        Rain hat- a proper lady’s hair stays dry in all circumstances appropriate. Perhaps the feather tip condom can add that touch of bling.
·        iPod substitute while exercising. Great for keeping the cadence steady. Try several personal locations for maximum friction output.
·        Can be a lifesaver in the case of a wardrobe malfunction. Fix a bra strap, use in place of a bra, hook several together for a belt, but don’t overuse- they stretch.
·        Last minute Christmas tree topper- light up varieties are recommended.

So with these basic suggestions, you can use your imagination and go from here. Please submit your ideas with photo to by September 30. Those submitting the Top 10 ideas will receive a gift certificate for a year’s supply of the products of choice.

Mama says, “I need say nothing else.”