For educational and informational purposes and to uphold the highest rigorous standards of scientific research, Mama, Inc. has worked hard over the past several months to evaluate many types of condoms. Using methods that involve comparison, contrast, interview, experimentation, empirical evidence, forensic analysis, observation, inspection and many additional “tion”s and “ic”s, Mama, Inc., along with several subsidiaries, not the least of which is Muscles, Inc. has defined new and cutting edge technology for better, safer and expanded use of condoms in your life.
First, a review of condom types is in order. The purpose will become clear in a bit, so hang tough, so to speak. Condoms come in every color imaginable, and some a bit unbelievable. Neon colors, plaids, for die hard Scots, polka dots, stripes, any pattern. Some have rulers in case size really matters, some have pictures of celebrities including world leaders or rock stars, royalty, financial gurus, etc. You can even send away to have your own likeness imprinted from a favorite photo.
T-Rex, kitchen appliances, sporting paraphernalia such as golf clubs and baseball bats, cowboy boots, famous sayings and quotes all adorn condoms. Medical grossness (spots, boils, weeping sores) may be one’s choice but this seems a bit off putting for certain times.
Sound options also exist. One version whistles several ditties from which one can choose. The faster the action, the faster the song plays. The music can even be broadcast through one’s 4g phone or iPad once the technology is hooked up. Mama’s vote goes to “Rule Britannia” since military posture is usually desirable.
Bling adorns many condoms. Ribs, feathers, jewels, sparkles, solid or blinking lights, glow in the dark all provide features that could be useful in emergency situations like power failures or vehicular malfunctions. An OnStar operator interviewed confirmed that the visual effect of blinking lights viewed through the sun roof once helped emergency responders in a helicopter locate a person in need experiencing a personal problem involving a vehicle component.
Size variations are very important features for many reasons to be explained below.
So, now armed with all this information, the 21st century woman can multitask with a multifunctional tool to fit almost every need.
First, gather together eleven friends. Motor to your favorite big box retail outlet or pharmacy. Enter in groups of 2 or 3 and surreptitiously meet in the family planning aisle. This plan avoids drawing suspicious glances from unwanted snoopers such as security guards, unattractive, desperate, single men looking to score, religious whackos, and probably Romanian males (see previous blog for details).
Some groups may want to bring a cart or basket with a few random items already included. Fake purchases aimed at giving out the “leave me alone” vibe include lice shampoo, hemorrhoid cream, heavy duty sanitary products, six or seven types of depilatories, constipation relief pills, Fig Newtons, Extra Strength toilet tissue, air sanitizer spray, and several garlic bulbs.
Next, each person should select a dozen box of their condom of choice. Head to the check out and carefully sneak the unwanted fake purchases into carts of other shoppers as you go. Be assured this will make for lively conversations later. You may all want to go to the same check out. If so, choose a high school boy (he will have great dreams tonight) or an older woman (she will also have great dreams tonight).
Be sure to pose for photos as you leave with the person checking receipts at the door, and later post them on Facebook. Include a witty caption such as, “Chauncy moonlighting as pimp- anonymous tip to IRS follows.” Include the phone number of several real estate or insurance agents.
Meet up and dole out the condoms so everybody gets one of each kind. Now your personal experiments begin.
· Coin holders- one for each coin denomination. No more rooting around in change purses while holding up check out lines.
· Tourniquet- while it is best to avoid close contact with vipers, gila monsters, intravenous drug users and out of practice or unemployed hematologists, one should always be prepared.
· Bandages- One doesn’t always remember tuck one into a purse or pocket. Who needs the extra bulk when you already have a form of sanitary covering with you?
· Cover that blister when new shoes rub unexpectedly. You will receive many compliments on your glow in the dark anklets.
· Sick bag. Reserve the XL size for this emergency.
· Rain hat- a proper lady’s hair stays dry in all circumstances appropriate. Perhaps the feather tip condom can add that touch of bling.
· iPod substitute while exercising. Great for keeping the cadence steady. Try several personal locations for maximum friction output.
· Can be a lifesaver in the case of a wardrobe malfunction. Fix a bra strap, use in place of a bra, hook several together for a belt, but don’t overuse- they stretch.
· Last minute Christmas tree topper- light up varieties are recommended.
So with these basic suggestions, you can use your imagination and go from here. Please submit your ideas with photo to Mama.com by September 30. Those submitting the Top 10 ideas will receive a gift certificate for a year’s supply of the products of choice.
Mama says, “I need say nothing else.”