Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Looking for Mr. Mel...

Today is my friend’s birthday.  Melania lives in Romania, a country once part of the mysterious Eastern European area. But if Mel is any indication of a typical 21st century Romanian woman then the world better watch out. She is extremely compassionate, loving, down to earth and lovely in more than a physical sense. Her soul shines through in all she says. Mel works as a translator. She is multi-lingual; she understands bullshit in several languages. Not much gets past her. 

Mel is single and wants that to change ASAP. She is looking for Mr. Right, and won’t settle for Mr. Right Now. Apparently there aren’t any single Romanian men or they are brain dead, because they are missing out on a future with a tremendous woman. 

I know that as women we are stuck doing all the mate seeking work, but better we set the parameters than end up with the shallow end of the gene pool, which seems to be less of a pool and more of a muck hole lately. So in honor of Mel’s birthday and my breadth and depth of dating knowledge I offer Mel :

Five 21st Century Sure Fire Methods to Secure a Husband

1.    Update your personal vitae. Not physically, but all the underlying critical enhancements. Men don’t pick up on that subtle stuff very easily and they need time to get past the obvious like hooters and red nail polish. Some never do. Like a horse, you can lead them to the water but sometimes still need to shove their face in and yank out their tongue to get them to drink.

I’m talking about your pedigree. Make sure your shots are up to date, and you have had a recent physical, mammogram and dental checkup. This information should be with you at all times and easily accessible. You may want to keep it on a flash drive disguised as an earring or necklace (easy with a Bedazzler and a few rhinestones) or a downloadable phone app. It could seal the deal for a first date.

2.    Make a list of your Top 5 Must Haves. Suggestions include; Teeth, a Job, a Driver’s License (a vehicle is also a good idea), Working Knowledge of a Washer and Dryer, Familiarity with Kitchen Appliances, No Fear of Water- as in the Shower, a Favorable Credit Rating, Willingness to Sign a PreNup, a Bank Account or Other Measurable Solvency Indicators, ability to Read and Write Fluently in at least One Language, and similar attributes that ensure you will not be taking on the role of Mother.

3.    Avoid searching Internet or print ads that promise to hook you up with “Hot Men in Your Area”. If they are hot, they probably need to bathe, which shouldn’t be something you need to help them with before you meet. If they are in your area you probably already know of them and you should continue to block their calls. If they seem ok there is still probably a glitch like their pet lizard collection, closet full of 1980’s leisure suits or ball of aluminum foil or dental floss in the guest bedroom.

4.    Take up a hobby macho guys gravitate toward. In the wilds of Romania, shooting is a good idea. Take classes in firearm instruction and then purchase a variety of appropriate items that make you look hunting savvy. Plaid clothing, thigh holster and derringer (also for personal protection), baggy pants with numerous pockets, bandolier, Elmer Fudd hat with turn-down ear flaps, etc. If you look the part, they will follow you. You can don the fishnet catsuit, lacy bustier, crotchless tights, or other appealing undergarments before putting on the hunting paraphernalia. The pockets of the baggy pants hold accessories like massage oil, handcuffs, spare batteries and other personal aids to enhance intimate private moments.

5.    I will fax you the web address where I discovered Mr. Muscles. First sign the non-disclosure agreement, have it notarized and return it. This is a very exclusive site and the passwords are encrypted algorithmic prime numbers which change every squilli-second so there is no chance ever of anyone hacking in. Your personal info is guaranteed safe and will not be shared with third party vendors except for Tiffany’s and Donald Trump.

As of yesterday, Herr Hunk and Senor Six Pack were available, and Count Come-to-Me is due in next week. All three just passed their psychological updates and all their CAT scans and sperm counts fell within normal limits, so you should be all set. And just between you, me and the obstetrician, Hunk just settled a deal for another unmapped island in the Pacific.

Mama says, “Happy Birthday, Mel. Numbers are artificial limiting constructs devoid of laughter, true friendship and chocolate.”