Thursday, August 21, 2014

Commuting: Problem Solving Strategies that Really Work

Two friends meet and discuss weekday woes.

Friend One: I was pleased to hear you had resumed dating. It’s about time.

Friend Two: After several months and thousands of dollars of therapy related expenses, I finally decided to stick my toe in the pond again.

Friend One: And how is it going?

Friend Two: Much the same as always. The masculine side of the dating pool remains quite shallow and is almost exclusively populated by clods, deviants, sadists, and used car salesmen. I have no desire to “check under the hood” on a first date, nor have phone sex with someone whose communication skills are limited to grunts, squeals and flatulence. 

I do not want to see someone’s "genuine" Picasso hanging on his bedroom wall that is authenticated because, “I checked and the signature is spelled correctly.”

Friend One: But have you managed to have any successful dates?

Friend Two: Successful? No. Satisfying- eventually One.

Friend One: Ah... that must have been Mr. Light Bulb.

Friend Two: Yes. I don’t even know why I opened the door when he knocked. My Xanax must not have kicked in yet. He was from the local power company offering free energy saving light bulbs, power strips, low flow shower heads and other grant provided grab bag items guaranteed to reduce energy consumption costs.

Friend One: And how did that lead to a date?

Friend Two: He seemed nice at the time. Now I realize the prongs at the end of his cord were pretty corroded. Of course he had my contact information and called the next day.  On a whim I said yes, why not? He wanted to come to my place “and take it from there.”

I said I would meet him at a public location.

Friend One: And…

Friend Two: I repacked my Ready Bag. I wanted to make sure I had my updated “Carry, Concealed” permit and spare ammo in it. I needed to clean my Glock anyhow. I added new pepper spray and charged the Tazer.

Friend One: You always are the most prepared woman I know. The penultimate Girl Scout.

Friend Two: Well, it was a colossal waste of two hours. At first all he talked about was his ex girlfriend. He said it took him reading 25 self-help books to get over her. I believe he needs to purchase books 26, 27, and 28.  

Finally I turned the conversation to work. That unleashed a soliloquy on the woes of commuting.  The usual: road rage, wasted time, nothing stimulating, etc. I suggested he purchase the complete CD set:  Rosetta Stone-  Languages of the Prehensile Primates.

Friend One: How did you explain that?

Friend Two: I told him it was an archipelago in the South China Sea.  He profusely thanked me for the wonderful idea. As I walked away he gave me a gift bag to open when I got home. He said it was something to keep me happy until our next date.

Friend One: Did you open it? What was in it?

Friend Two: Vibrating panties, Ben Wa balls and butt plugs. I tossed them into the box with all the others.

Friend One: Yes, I have a similar large collection that has been gifted to me also. Goodwill won’t take them and I really would not know how to note them as a line item tax deduction anyhow.

Friend Two: So I called Pussy’s Palace and she couriered over the latest version of the Auto-Suck after Anushka modified a couple of the settings. I added a reverse pronged penis ring and couriered the package to Mr. Light Bulb with a profuse thank you and this little something to take the edge off his commuting woes.

Friend One: And then you called Mavis at OnStar?

Friend Two: You know it. She made all the arrangements for his enhanced commuting experience the next day. She even modified the camera for a wide angle video capture of the driver’s seat area.

Friend One: And I’m sure Anushka outdid herself again.

Friend Two: Yes. She tweaked the settings so it functioned more like those Chinese finger traps- the harder you pull to take them off, the tighter the suction becomes.  She also bypassed the kill switch and added a dye pack.

Friend One: How long before he called OnStar?

Friend Two: About seven minutes. I do respect his perseverance.

Friend One: So where did she send him?

Friend Two: She took over auto control and motored him to Catholic Women’s Hospital. The staff there is 98% female and all the ER techs are nuns. I am sure they took good care of him.

Friend One: What about the video?

Friend Two: Mavis is going to text me. **Twing** Oh there she is now. She just uploaded it to YouTube. 20,000 hits in the first minute. Where’s your iPad??