Monday, September 12, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 3

Continuing on:

11. The Little Black Dress. This basic fashion staple that can be accessorized to fit almost any occasion.

Appropriate accessories include gemstone jewelry such as necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of varying sizes and combinations depending on the gravity or elegance of the gathering. Reserve tiara for occasions when the floor length black dress is de rigueur. 

Accessories to avoid include:

* Live animals. Although Fifi and you are inseparable most times, a pooch stole is not welcome in many establishments, particularly restaurants. Something about Health Code violations…

* Certain footwear selections. Heels or ballet flats are fine. Uggs and anything from the L.L. Bean catalog are not acceptable unless you are Sarah Palin.

* Fish net stockings. These are acceptable only if one is standing on a street corner at 3 AM in a very short black dress researching one’s next novel.

12. Personal safety deposit box. Many banking establishment provide these secure containers in vaults for safekeeping of valuable items. Rent is minimal and is well worth the fee. Select a large size as valuables will quickly accumulate over the years. 
Include such items as stock certificates, bearer bonds, DNA evidence, raw gemstones (remove cut stones from settings to save space and simplify transport), video and auditory recordings, still photos, fingerprint records, jump drives, SIM cards and CDs, address and phone records by date, receipts (for alibi purposes) and similar items that may be needed to remind someone of his connection to you.

13. Smart Phone.  In addition to calling, you can access the Internet from almost anywhere, email, chat, pay bills, watch TV and movies, check surveillance camera feeds, hack into anything electronic, record video and audio images with one touch. Fits into the palm of your hand for easy, subtle access. Available in a variety of styles and with covers to match any outfit.

14. Personal chef. Can be “on call” as needed. Sometimes a girl doesn’t have time to prepare a gourmet repast when softening up a …er …getting to know a new “friend”. Subtle combinations of herbs and spices wafting tempting aromas through a room often get more than one type of appetite flowing. This can save valuable time and allow you to still get 8 or 9 hours of beauty sleep.

15. Your own bathroom. There is nothing more disgusting than unrinsed toothbrushing spit and whisker stubble stuck to the sink. And just what is that man goo clinging to the shower tile and crawling out of the drain?

Locksmith: You’re all set ma’am. Here are the new keys to the entry door. 

You: Thanks so much for the rush job.

Locksmith: No problem. The upstairs is done, too. I’ve got to tell you, though, this is the first time I’ve installed a retinal scanner on a master bathroom door. 

You: Here’s a $1,000 tip. 

Locksmith: That’s very generous.

You: Don’t worry- I have it all covered in the prenup. 

Locksmith: I’ll just finish up putting the shower head on the garden hose out back and I’ll be on my way. The credit card swiper to turn on the water is a unique feature, too. 

You: I’m just glad the Quick Response Disaster Recovery team got here early this morning. The guys’ Weekend in the Bayou apparently didn’t turn out quite as they hoped. Next time they will be more careful before typing “Cragslist” instead of “Craigslist”.

Locksmith: An unfortunate spelling error.

You: It took Quick Response longer that expected to remove all the slimy green stuff. They could hardly keep up with the growth rate and the bubbling ooze gave off methane gas. Plus they had to catch the frogs first.

Locksmith: The Truck Stop at Exit 42 has those pay showers. 

You: I’ll tape a note to the door. Thanks. Oh- here comes the Brinks truck. I’m expecting a delivery. Would you like to see my new bling?

Locksmith: Sure… Maybe I can help you. I’m real good with clasps and keys and such. 

You: *Giggle*