Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Earline Learns to Cook…


Mr. Muscles (stepping out of shower and wrapping towel around himself): Now that was an interesting experience. I never thought soot had so many forms.

Mama (stepping out of shower and letting Mr. Muscles wrap her in a towel): Whatever possessed that girl to experiment in the kitchen without proper supervision? Out of the water she is a disaster.

Mr. Muscles: She was babbling earlier but it was a bit incoherent. We should go talk with her now that the fire trucks have left. I think the EMT’s cleared her of smoke inhalation effects after oxygen therapy.

Mama: A shame we have to dress again. I can think of a more useful and pleasurable activity considering our state of dishabille.

Mr. Muscles: Only one?

Mama: At a time…

Twenty minutes later:

Earline: I thought that since I am in college, I should become more independent.

Mama: A laudable idea but you have never cooked anything, have you?

Earline: No, but I can boil water in a microwave. You just push the button that says, “Boil water”

Mr. Muscles: That’s fine for Ramen or tea, as long as you remember the water, but just because you have a kitchen in your suite with some other swimmers, it doesn’t automatically imbue you with culinary prowess.

Mama: Exactly what happened, Earline?

Earline: Well, most of the recipes from those online cooking sites take so long to make. I thought a few shortcuts would speed things along.

Mama: Such as?

Earline: Well, I found everything in the pantry I needed. It took a while. That place is huge.

Mr. Muscles: Yes, we designed the communal dining area kitchens with the latest in equipment and supplies to help the chefs personalize meals for optimal athletic output. It is part of the Muscles, Inc. Sports Science Program. Perhaps you should consider taking a basic physiology class next semester.

Earline: Is Dr. Z going to be teaching again? It’s enough that I have to listen to him for Chemistry.

Mama: I thought you liked him.

Earline: As a person, he is dreamy. As a teacher, he is harsh. He makes us do work.

Mama: And…

Earline: So I thought that to speed up dinner, instead of 325 degrees for 60 minutes, I could turn up the oven to 650 degrees for 30 minutes. I was going to try 1300 degrees for 15 minutes but it didn’t go that high. Then I got a call and we were talking about the Chemistry lab and I forgot to check the oven and then everything was spewing smoke and the fire alarm went off and I forgot where the door was. So it is really Zebrudus’ fault for distracting me with so much lab work and I am tired and want to cry.

Mama: It is past now. Nobody was injured and the kitchen can be cleaned quickly. The North Punty Fire Department arrived within 3 minutes and all will be fine in a few days. 

Mr. Muscles: Zebrudus is not at fault. You need to organize your time better and prioritize your needs. 

Mama: Perhaps some cooking lessons for many of you would be in order. I believe Anne Burrell may have a few weeks’ break in her TV schedule. I will call her tomorrow. But if you think Zebrudus is a tough taskmaster, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Earline: I am sorry. I will try harder.

Mama: You will not just try, you will do exactly as you are told.

Earline: Yes, ma’am.

Mama: Now off with you.

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Zebrudus: Come, Earline. Perhaps a nice massage will be helpful.

Earline (Blushing): Um… I… Oh hell- ok. I mean- is it ok?

Mama: Consider it a private tutoring experience. You may wish to share your analysis of his teaching style.

(They exit)

Mr. Muscles: Now where were we before all this?

Mama: Considering kitchen activities?

Mr. Muscles (taking her hand and heading up the stairs):  Dessert, m’dear?

Mama (peering into shopping bag): Whipped cream- check; chocolate syrup- check; strawberries- check.

Mr. Muscles: Champagne chilling in ice bucket- check. Now where are the plates?

Mama: (pulling of his shirt and pushing him backward onto the bed): Plates? *Giggle*