Saturday, May 21, 2011

Financial Independence Awaits

Twenty-first century women must become financially savvy. The goal of living by independent means is a must for any career minded female in this day and age. No more reliance on a MAN to support us and take care of all our needs.  Becoming "the little woman" is so last century. Donna Reed-your time capsule is calling...

So now we need to make a pile of dough fast to achieve fiscal nirvana ASAP. Here are a couple suggestions to consider:

1. Get involved with a guy who is already wealthy. This could save time and effort. A place to start is guys with titles. Your resume will shine when you are billed as "Duchess Deutschmark" or "Maharani Moola." The drawback is that some of these guys may be a little lean in the pocket, so make sure you first look them up on one of those websites that will research somebody's background. They also warn you about stalkers and insurance salesman.

Prince Ponzi could have hidden assets, though, so pat him down thoroughly every chance you get. He will think you are being touchy-feely romantic while you are actually checking his pockets for safe deposit box keys and flash drives.

Snoop around his penthouse, villa or castle, too. There may be a secret room or underground vault housing "missing" Picassos or Mayan artifacts. Follow tunnels. Diamond mines aren't always big. If you are caught, fake sleepwalking, blame it on one of those pills and then faint gracefully into his arms. 

Research is the key. has several book for sale about dating high net worth men. It must be working. One best seller has only 3 copies left.  

2. Outer space is waiting to be exploited. Who knows what treasures are orbiting right next door. Claim a couple asteroids. The rings around Saturn are bound to contain some great stuff that will sell high on the futures market. I'd go for the blue and green ones. Calming colors will defray competition.

3. Don't neglect your own back yard. Erect an oil well. If the neighbors complain, disguise it as a rock climbing wall and tell them you are on a fitness kick.

4. Going green is becoming popular. Get in on the sustainability and environmentally friendly track. You can reuse or re-purpose almost anything. Many of us are caring for an older parent or close relative. They can be quite beneficial in helping you amass wealth. Put them to work in a comfortable, non threatening setting doing what they do best- sitting around. Promote them as available for appearances at conferences, conventions, public gatherings, festivals, openings, exhibitions, etc. 

Set up a replica of the Cleaver living room. Include shag carpeting, orange and turquoise accents and a mannequin holding a bowl of popcorn or whatever marketing item goes with the appearance. (Leave it to Beaver shows are archived online or endlessly rerun on some TV channels.) Place Grandpa in a Barcolounger with the Wall Street Journal, Field and Stream, or Old Codger Monthly. Keep relevant snacks and beverages prominently displayed. Surround him with 1960's plaid sofas, play Perry Como LP's softly in the background. No special wardrobe is needed since his clothing is already period.

Create a museum quality sign labeling it as a look at vintage life. Title it something like "Retro Meditation". You can almost call it a "happening" although not much will be happening except dozing and an occasional snore. 

For shorter, less complicated appearances, adorn him with a fake bead and hat and place him near some greenery as a lawn ornament. Performance art attracts those elitists who have big bucks.

Charge a six figure fee per hour. In no time you will be hearing the ca-ching of cash in your bank account. Soon you will be on your way to financial security and in charge of your own conglomerate. You can send my 35% development fee to my Swiss account. I'll fax you the numbers.

Make sure you wash your hands thoroughly after counting all the miscellaneous bills and coins. Mama says they are a hotbed of germs.