1. A typical office visit usually includes weighing you to track your overall body mass index (BMI). Before entering the waiting room, fill your pockets with about 10 pounds of fishing weights. They are small and easy to distribute in inconspicuous places. After the nurse weighs you and records your weight on your chart, grunt, grab your lower belly and run for the rest room. If possible, fake flatulent sounds over your shoulder. Flush several times while you quickly remove the weights. Make occasional groaning and moaning sounds. Drop weights in the trash can or toilet tank. Nobody ever looks in either place.
When you come out wave your hand in front of your face for several seconds and say, "Phew, that's better, but I wouldn't let anybody in there for a while." Then step on the scale again. The nurse will be amazed. Adjust ass crack of clothing frequently throughout the remainder of the appointment.
2. Exams include taking vital signs such as blood pressure. Before your appointment wrap 1 or 2 layers of bubble wrap around your upper arm beneath your sleeve. When the nurse pumps up the cuff and gets ready to place the stethoscope on your arm, flex your muscles to create a surprise sound.
3. The nurse will leave you alone in the room when she has finished taking your vital signs. Most examining rooms contain a jar of cotton balls.While you wait for the doctor, stuff several cotton balls between your teeth and cheeks inside your mouth. For a unique look, place more on one side than the other and some behind your lower and upper lips. Place a few grape Pop Rocks on your tongue to achieve a pleasant patina.
4. The doctor will look down your throat. While he is getting his flashlight thingy, fake a cough and slide cheapo Halloween vampire teeth over your upper chompers.
5. If you must pee in a cup, right before handing the sample to the nurse, empty in a couple packets of Splenda, a teaspoon of garlic powder and the rest of the grape Pop Rocks.
Mama says, "Is it better to leave them guessing or just leave?"