Sunday, May 22, 2011

An Unrapture Update

Breaking News Just In:

Harold Camping, Family Radio guru and failed predictor of May 21st's 6 PM religious rapture, offers no apologies for his prediction's non-happening. In an exclusive interview with this reporter, Camping instead outlined an explanation of the un-unfolded events and another future plan.

Mama: Rev. Camping what is your explanation for the unglorious unrapture?

HC: My science was faultless. Facts don't lie. The data was accurate based on  subjects and research.

Mama: What subjects and research did you use?

HC: I carbon dated my own DNA. I am 89 years old and sharp as a tack. I am the best subject since I have a direct connection to God.

Mama: I see. What computer program crunched all the numbers for you?

HC: I dusted off the Commodore 64. Most reliable machine ever built. No software glitches ever.

Mama: It still is working?

HC; Yup. I stockpiled a couple million punch cards back in 1971. Forewarned is forearmed.

Mama.; Very wise, HC. What did your results actually say?

HC.: After a couple hiccups the machine chucked out a punchcard with May 21, 2011 on it. I knew I had the answer.

Mama:  Have you rechecked the card just to verify information accuracy?

HC. Well, I did look at it again this morning in the light of day.  My eyes aren't quite as sharp as my 2 edged sword anymore. Hee hee.

Mama: What was on the card?

HC: Seems there may have been a couple ambiguities I didn't catch first time around.

Mama: Such as?

HC: Those punch cards were the same ones that caused the glitch in the Florida Presidential election results. I found a dangling chad along the date line. Under a microscope the date was really May 21, 20011. I missed a zero, but what the heck. It was only a place holder.

Mama: What will your followers do now?

HC: Beats me- I won't be here in 20011 so they can do whatever they want.

Mama: I heard rumors that you had a contingency plan.

HC: Actually, yes. I am going to quickly recoup all the money spent on advertising.

Mama: How so?

HC: I am selling an exclusive line of UnRapture merchandise at selected retail outlets. Mugs, Bible covers, and T Shirts.

Mama: Details, please.

HC: Marketing  projections are skyrocketing for the T shirts. They will be red and read, "The Devil Made Me Do It!" Below will be my picture next to Satan's in the classic American Gothic pose from the portrait. Instead of a farm implement we will be holding a pitchfork.

Mama: Where and when can they be purchased?

HC: We are targeting a wide marketing field through three popular outlets: Abercrombie & Fitch, Old Navy, and Family Dollar. Production has already started and they will be in stores for the Memorial Day sales. Buy directly through my website for bulk quantities and a 10% discount.

Mama: Very creative.

HC: The dough will be rolling in with plenty of time to start the campaign for the next predicted world demise in October. It is a win-win for me. And if that flops, too, we will tweak the products and mount a Christmas blitz.

Mama: Thanks for your time, however much of it you have remaining.

HC: Always for you, SugarLips.

Mama says apparently common sense ain't so common.