There’s Something Fishy Going On

Earline’s ringtone sounds: *** Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this Mama said…
(Mama said, Mama said) Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this my Mama said.
(Mama said, Mama said) ***

Earline: Hello?

Voice in phone: MMnnhhhvvpppp!!!  Bbrrfffzzdd?

 

Argon: Mew (Translation-I’m hiding.) {Scampers under Earline’s bed.}

Earline: I’ll be right there. (Disconnects and dashes out her bedroom door.)

Heisenberg: Meowww Yow! (Translation- Don’t hide. It makes you look guilty.)

Argon: Mrowwwwp !! (Translation- Quick- help me delete this email and turn off her laptop.)

{Kittens scamper about mysteriously then curl up on window seat pretending to nap.}

Mama’s Office:

Earline: I swear I have no idea what all this is.

Mama: Earline- your name is on this bill of lading and there are four trucks outside with a dozen men wanting to know where to start unloading. Now here comes Li’l Einstein’s brother Pepe with his backhoe. Just what is going on??

Earline: I didn’t order anything, no matter what that paper says. What does it say, by the way?

Mama: (looking through sheaf of papers) 14 yards of gravel, 12 pallets of blue slate, 4 cement trucks, several tons of dirt, and an assortment of aquatic plants from Under the Sea Pond Accessories. C.O.D. And that’s just the first two pages. Page 3 is statuary, page 4 is outdoor furniture and page 5 is for Japanese koi and other exotic fish to be delivered in four days. These are all dated yesterday and put on overnight premium delivery. Plus it says to ask someone named A.H. for special instructions.

Earline: But that’s not me. I don’t even know anyone with those initials.

Door opens and Mr. Muscles enters: I just talked to the foreman. He said they were faxed plans last night detailing the design of a fish pond to be built in the courtyard enclosed by the east wing residence suites.

Earline: My window seat looks out over that space, and the suite’s French Doors open onto it, but..

Mama: Well, the area is plain and uninteresting. I was musing about what to do with it a couple days ago. Let me think. Yes, it was in the afternoon when Ta-da and Earline were off to the animal sanctuary again and I was kit… Earline, Muscles- wait here. I’ll be right back.

Mama takes off on a mission. Five minutes later in Earline’s bedroom:

Mama: (Sits down on the soon to be infamous window seat) In the future, you must be much more careful. It is far too soon, and…

Argon: Meeeew. (Translation- I’m really sorry.) {She jumps onto Mama’s lap and places a tiny paw on Mama’s cheek.}

Mama: But all things considered, a pond will be quite lovely out here. You are both right. It will be fully enclosed and safe for you and your guests to play with no chance of anyone getting lost. And the sound of gurgling water is very soothing. 

Heisenberg: Yeeoowww. Mrowff.  (Translation- we were just really excited.) {Rubs against Mama’s arm.}

Mama: We are alone. It is okay.

Heisenberg: We wanted to surprise her as a thank you for adopting us.

Argon: We stayed up all night researching and working to achieve the perfect design. 

Mama: I hope the fountain of Puss ‘N Boots in the middle doesn’t give it away. But I don’t think she’ll figure that out for a long time. 

Heisenberg. We thought it added just a touch of humor.

Argon: We will pay for it all, too. I’ll just fax Catacombs Feline Credit Union and they can wire transfer…

Mama: No, this will be my Happy New Year gift to this expanding family. 

Argon: How will you explain it? I guess we didn’t think of that. Who will A. H. be? 

Heisenberg: Perhaps the pond can be a gift from Zebrudus because he misses Earline. And Ta-Da’s cousin, Ah-Ha is a landscape architect. 

Mama: That will work. I’ll call them shortly. Meanwhile, your next assignment is landscaping selections. Perhaps some cattails, catnip and pussy willows to start. I’ll just get Muscles directing the workers and have Earline bring you both down to my office for kitten sitting. We can order the plants. She can go fetch refreshments.

Argon and Heisenberg: Purrrrfect.

Earline Finds a Purpose

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Earline: (very excited): Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mama: You’re welcome, but a little more information would be relevant.

Earline: Well, I miss Zebrudus very much, but I understand he needs to go home, too, and see his family and he and I aren’t at the “Meet Mom and Dad” place yet although, er, um.. I guess that is too much information, but anyhow, after Christmas Eve and all that… (Stops to take a breath).

Mama: Yes, the Count and Countess are lovely people but why they rumble about in that drafty castle in those gloomy mountains I don’t… Well, I am sure you will meet them someday, dear. But why all the excitement?

Earline: Well, all of a sudden, Ta-Da has gotten to be my friend and now I have a Purpose.

Mama: Earline, I hope you do not think you can join her sisterhood. It is (ahem) genetically restricted for many reasons and frankly, I do not believe you qualify. Ta-da is African and is 6’ 4” tall. You are Caucasian and 5’ 5” tall. In addition…

Earline: (interrupting) No, no, no, nothing like that. All that helicopter stuff is way too scary and have you ever seen her throw a javelin?... and although (breath) the Scrounge and Lounge is the best place for clothes and I now know where she gets some of her supplies to make all those Fu…, er, pretty shoes and skirts and…(stops to breathe again).

Mama: Earline, get to the point. Please.

Earline: Well, she asked me if I could help her out yesterday and I thought she wanted me to help her with the clothes (breath) but I couldn’t figure out why since my fashion sense isn’t the best except for swimwear,  but I am learning (breath) and then she said no, that was under control, but she needed help with something else and I said OK and we went to the animal sanctuary and helped (breath) with the cats and now I have a Purpose. (Pant, pant, pant).

Mama: Indeed? After one day?

Earline: Yup, er… yes, ma’am. Do you believe it? I have discovered that I want to help with the animals and I love the kittens and they like me and cuddling them is fun. But why do some of them have dumb names and others have numbers?

Mama: Such as? 

Earline: Let me show you. (She goes into the hallway and returns a moment later with a large basket.) See? This is Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (Lifts out small buff colored feline with brown tufted ears and hands it to Mama). That is the stupidest name ever for a cat. 

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Nrowf? Hissssss.  (Translation: You’re telling me? My litter mates were named Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin and Danica Patrick)

Mama: (looks into kitten’s face and nods). Yes. But he says er…I believe his father was named Dale Earnhardt, so being Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is logical. I am sure he would not mind a different name at all.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Rrrooow (Translation: No kidding.)

Earline: And this one (lifts out grey furry bundle) is Cat 4217. Now who names a cat a number? 

Cat 4217: Nrowwt Mew. (Translation: Not me.)

Mama: I am sure the numbers are only for record keeping. The adopter can rename their new pet whatever they wish. (Takes kitten from Earline and looks into her eyes.) This one agrees, er… Just why do you have these kittens, Earline?

Earline: I am adopting them. I know I can take care of them. I promise I’ll do everything right. I even borrowed some books from the library about taking care of kittens and I’ve been reading articles on the internet. And these two just came over to me and put their paws up on my leg and my heart melted. It was like they were talking to me.

Mama:  Ahhh…Let me think for a minute. (Closes eyes while absently petting kittens). 

Earline: Please, please, please.

Both kittens: Mrrrowww, trillllllp (Translation: Let’s get this charade over with)

Mama: Earline, I agree. This is just the correct amount of responsibility for you to balance with your expanding life interests. But- when you are out, they will be with me here in my office.

Both kittens: Brrrrp, mreep (Translation: Finally- we can get some work done)

Earline: Thank you. Now what do I name them? I was thinking something scientific or chemistry because of Zebrudus. The Dale one could be named Heisenberg after that quark guy. It sounds intelligent and he seems like a smart kitty. Maybe he could help me with science stuff. Ha ha.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Meow yow. (Translation: Werner Heisenberg- I look like him, too!)

Mama: (looking at kitten, then nuzzling him): I am sure he will be honored.

Heisenberg (kitty formerly known as Dale Earnhart, Jr): Yow, Brrow (Translation: I am, thanks Mama)

Earline: Now Cat 4217 looks grey-blue, so I looked at the Chemistry chart…

 

Mama: Do you mean the Periodic Table of Elements?

Earline: Yup, that’s it. So, anyhow, I found out that those noble gases burn colors and Argon burns blue. Since Cats 4217 is kinda bluish she can be Argon and that is noble like a royalty person, but not those stuffy boring ones. 

Argon: (kitty formerly known as Cat 4217) Trillllp Yow (Translation: Perfect. I am Russian Blue and you will treat me with respect).

Mama: (nuzzling Argon, whispers): Watch the attitude, Princess.

Argon: Bripp (Translation: Sorry, Mama)

Earline: So are we good to go?  I will set everything up and make sure it is all good. What will Zebrudus think?

Mama: I would not be willing to hazard a guess. Just keep in mind, dear, that care of a pet involves a lot more than finding it a name. And if you are serious about helping at the animal sanctuary and sharing your life with these who furry friends who have chosen you… well, we shall see. Now off you go. 

Earline: Great. I’ll just gather up the basket and litter and kibble and bowls and pans and toys and scratcher and blankets and the kittens. Oh dear- I may need more than one trip. May I borrow the elevator key, please?

Heisenberg and Argon: Mrowff mew yow. (Translated- Maybe we can hide under the bed a lot.)

Mama's Night Before Christmas

Mama’s Night Before Christmas (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through North Punty

Few creatures were stirring; tomorrow was Sunday.

The campus was closed, the townsfolk in residence

Engaged in activities without any hesitance.

Earline was wrestling about in the bed

Doing whatever Zebrudus said.

And Mama in her teddy, upon Muscles’ lap

Was just getting into a private “night cap.”

When in the town square there arose such a clatter

They all sprang apart to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorways they flew like a flash

And into the mele to check out the crash.

Moonlight glinted off a tangle of wreckage

That sparkled and glowed like an off-worldly package.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But Ta-Da and her sisters all dressed in their gear.

The stunning tall driver, releasing the stick

Climbed out of the cockpit; Ta-da swore, “Oh Shit!”

“Those sunspots messed up the engine’s capacitor

The GPS tanked, we spun, sinking faster.”

“Now Mama! Now Muscles! Earline and Zebrudus,

This chopper is wrecked, it really is useless.

What are we to do, with gifts to deliver?

Time’s running short, for this lame endeavor.”

“I’ll make a few calls,” Mama said on the fly,

“The night is still young, soon we’ll be in the sky.”

So off to the air base they dashed in a hurry,

The ground crew hopped to it, they moved in a flurry.

And then in a twinkling, the rotors were spinning

The hold filled with packages, Ta-da now grinning.

As she held the collective, Mama’s head turned around,

Leaping up from the skid, Santa came with a bound.

He was dressed all in beachwear from head to his foot

He buckled his seat belt so he would stay put.

“Wouldn’t miss this for anything,” laughed the grand man,

“Gotta keep Ta-da’s secret, the Guardians’ plan.”

“This kingdom of Amazons toil, they don’t tarry.

The elves have retired, but I’m still a bit wary.

The planning and plotting the routes the gals go

We do in the tropics, to heck with the snow.

“Earline’s with Zebrudus, she’ll do as she’s bidden,

She’s too young to know more, this secret stays hidden.”

They nodded and smiled, and winked in agreement

Knowing this was not the time to be lenient.

They spoke not a word but went straight to their work,

Delivered the goodies; none wanted to lurk.

Finished at last, most went home to their bed.

But not Santa nor Muscles nor Mama, who said,

“To our friends round the world, here’s our gift just for you:

Happiness, joy, and a little fun, too.

Be wonderful parents, and spouses and lovers.

What you wish for you, do unto others.

“Never give up; your dreams can come true

Look deep within- you’ll know what to do.”

Raising a glass in the waning moonlight:

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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