Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 6


It’s Holiday Time. Twinkly lights, sparky trees, Santa photos, snowflakes, caroling, sleigh rides, Grandma’s house, and most importantly- the presents. While keeping in mind that giving is the real deal, somebody has to be the receiver, so why not you? 

23. You never know when you will be asked what you want for Christmas. After your date comes to realize how deserving you are of a little something under the tree, you will need a quick reference list so your wine cellar or jewelry box balances reds, whites and bubblies. The “he d’jour” will also need a vehicle by which to remember what he promised.

In the pre-tech days, a mini rolodex with duplicate cards (one to discreetly slip into his pocket; the other for your reference) made the task easy. But traditional shipping slowed down timely delivery. Now the tech savvy modern gal has at her disposal a variety of options that even the dimmest bulb on the tree can’t mess up. Two simple solutions come to mind.

The first is a label maker. Pre punch pertinent gift info onto strips. Labels are small and you can prepare several in advance so that the selection choice is fluid depending on how the evening progresses. Include succinct details about the gifts and where to purchase/order. Best practice is a phone number and item number if more than one item will come from the same vendor. When Mr. Right Now steps away, affix the label to his keys or billfold. Out of curiosity, he will dial the number the next morning. 

Because of your prep work, a sequence of events will be set into motion. Your beautifully wrapped, personalized gift will be shipped same day and his credit card will be automatically billed a few months down the road as part of the order for his Mother’s Day offering to Mummy (He will never question anything for Mom).  When he actually does present you with a token holiday gift only you will know how genuine the thank you is.

24. Second solution: Text gifting. Text him the next morning and ask him to reply to a different number since your phone is suddenly “broken”. His reply will initiate a similar sequence as above. With a little additional planning, the tag line on his bill can appear as a charitable donation to Save the Grapes or Recycle Green (Bottles or Gems).

25. The weather outside is frightful, so why hang around in the cold when you can party on a warm beach with a little umbrella (or Christmas tree) decked cocktail?  
You: Brrrrrr. I really need to get out of this freezing weather. My libido is shot.

Him: Well, we can’t have that now, can we? I do have a time share available in Bali. 

You: Book it, Danno. (Hands him phone after pushing preprogrammed number on speed dial)

Him: (Five minutes later) The agent said the purchase is all set. I just signed and faxed these papers back. But I don’t understand why it is a purchase; I already bought the timeshare. That didn’t sound like a travel agent.

You: Pack a bag and let’s go. We’ll figure it out on the way. I can already feel my hoohoo starting to thaw. 

Him: That’s great news. But where is Balili , and why does it says you now own a whole island?  

You: Just consider it an investment in my, err… our future. How do you like my new stringless mesh bikini? No tan lines.

Him: That warms the cockles of my...  Stop that. All right, Mummy won’t even notice if I sell a few of her diamonds to keep your skin tone even. Just how does that fabric stay put?

You: Oh- here’s the taxi. Grab that bag of massage products and help me slip this fur coat over my delicate, freezing, pale, supple, needy, throbbing, almost naked body. And close your mouth.

26. Every modern woman needs to eat a healthy diet, so growing your own veggies is the way to go.

You: This should do it. The ad campaign is all in order and I see shoots emerging from the soil already. 

JGG (Jolly Green… {a girl never reveals what ‘Giant’ refers to}): You can expect the first harvest in about a month. These veggies grow fast in the tropics. I love the name, too.

You: I must say it is a stroke of genius, so to speak: Play Food: Six Sexy Servings a Day. 

JGG: The links to yummy recipes, homemade massage oils, spreadable condiments, and your lingerie company make one stop shopping a breeze. I didn’t realize there were so many edible clothing options available.

You: Would you care to sample an appetizer?

27. One can never over accessorize. A quick change of bling can render the plebian office day wear into a stunning evening outfit for a last minute date or venue change. Can’t bring all the options with you? A Bedazzler becomes your best friend. Gone are the huge ‘80’s rhinestones and beads.
The mini bedazzler fits conveniently into a purse or briefcase. Just a couple minutes and a click or two, and that drab pencil skirt morphs into a sparkly mini sure to turn heads at any club. To complete the ensemble, strategically bedazzled crystals on a sheer scarf make a great halter top. 

28. Speaking of bedazzling, with the advent of nanotechnology, tiny microphones, cameras, and other miniscule electronic information gathering devices are easily concealed as sparkly and tasteful additions to cuff links, tie clips, and cell phone cases.  Your original designs make an invaluable (for you) holiday gift for the men on your short list. Be sure your safety deposit box rent is paid up (See # 12) since you will undoubtedly soon add to the stash, err… collection of leverage, er…goodies you are saving for the right moment. 

29. Reliable transportation is always a necessity. For daily needs, auto, bus, train, taxi and feet all get the job done. But when unusual circumstances call for a special ride, don’t be afraid to call in a favor. (See #28).

You: Hello Binky? I know you are stuck at Mummy’s soirée without me, playing air-kissy with those dull princesses, but I totally need a quick ride so I can get there sooner than later. 

Binky: I just can’t get away. BTW- did you receive the collection of replacement mesh bikinis I had couriered over?

You: I did, and I so look forward to having you help me pick the right ones to match my new bedazzled shoe collection. But right now the limo is stuck in traffic.

Binky: Not again. You know …

You: Check your email, Binks.

Binky: (After a short pause) The chopper will be there in 5 minutes. Do you want Donner and Blitzen piloting as usual?

You: Yes, please. I always feel so safe when they travel with me.

Five minutes later:

You: Good evening gentlemen. I feel about an hour of “engine trouble” coming on. Are you ready for another sojourn into the Mile High Club? The starry starry night awaits.

30. A circle of good friends may be your most valued necessity. There are times when girls just need their time alone (sort of).

Friend 1: I can’t believe you own this island.

You: It was actually pretty easy to acquire. Getting all the details set up took a bit longer than I expected but I think you will find it all worth the wait. 

Friend 2: Who are these 8 handsome gentlemen? 

Friend 3: I love their Santa hats and the red speedos with white fur trim.

You: Ladies- Here are my Christmas gifts to you for this long holiday weekend. Meet Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Just go a little easy on Donner and Blitzen . They are still recovering a bit from last night. 

Friend 4-: Oh how delightful. I love presents.

Friend 5: But there are nine of us including you and only 8 of them. 

Friend 6: I hear jingle bells.

Friend 7: Here comes a sleigh driven by a red haired god.

Friend 8: He has a bag in the sleigh.

You: This is Rudy. Santa asked him to share these toys “naughty” girls like. Help yourselves. I need to go cheer up Rudy. See you later.