Sunday, March 23, 2014

Spring Trends

Two friends meet and discuss recent news in the business world.

Friend One: Have you been shopping for the new spring fashions?

Friend Two: I have looked. They’re all hideous versions of the unflattering styles designers tried to foist upon us this past winter.

Friend One: Handkerchief hems were bad enough. They make everybody’s thighs look like basketballs the way the fabric bounces around with every step.

Friend Two: Now we have that high-low look with the shorter hem in the front and the longer hem in the back. No woman looks good in them unless she is over six feet tall.

Friend One: Every other woman looks like a mutant Munchkin or a leprechaun whose growth hormone injections failed halfway through treatment.

Friend Two: The designs are all boxy and military inspired with large buttons, useless zippers and epaulets.

Friend One: Who designed them- Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un?

Friend Two: Yes. It’s a new line: Gulag Fashions.

Friend One: Well, what else should one expect from someone who is friends with Dennis Rodman? I believe the line from Men in Black is right- he is from another planet.

Friend Two: The winter hues of mud puddle brown, slush gray, and baby diarrhea mustard yellow were bad enough.

Friend One: Now we are supposed to don harvest gold and aqua plaid. We’ll all look like a 1950’s kitchen.

Friend Two: And the patterns- giant versions of 1960’s sea shell wallpaper and hippie flower child psychedelic flowers.

Friend One: I have fond memories of those days. Not the clothing, just the free love.

Friend Two: Speaking of free love, have things settled down yet over at Mama Network?

Friend One: Pretty much. I can say it was a successful test of the new instant shade windows that were installed in the cafeteria during the building remodel.

Friend Two: The ones that turn instantly from regular glass to any degree of shade with a remote signal?

Friend One: Yup. Apparently Khorkina and the Little Man didn’t realize they were operational. And one must stay current with the latest technological innovations, especially when having a wee hours intimate liaison between the vending machines.

Friend Two: What was she doing there so late, anyhow?

Friend One: You know Mama insists all the wannabe models she signs with Mama Agency serve an internship at the network, so they can learn about the print and runway industry from behind the camera, not just in front of it. Khorkina was just watching some video and stills during less frenetic hours.

Friend Two: So the Little Man convinced her that nobody would ever find out about a quickie, especially if they hid in the cafeteria? He must have been very persuasive despite their differences. After all, he is barely five feet tall. She is 6’5”.  She is 22 and he is 56 and married. 

Friend One: Apparently he didn’t think there were operational cameras in the cafeteria at night or the ones in the parking lot could scan and zone in focus directly on the building.

Friend Two: She may be young but she isn’t that na├»ve. I heard his wife was in charge of security on her latest photo shoot. They must have consulted about logistics. Hasn’t he been suspected of philandering before?

Friend One: I’m sure they had some girl talk sessions about Little Man’s assets and skills.  Since he is so short, all he did at first was flip her high-low hem over his head. Then as business progressed, he spun her around against the window, climbed up on a cafeteria chair and, well, those useless zippers and buttons didn’t seem to be so useless after all.

Friend Two: So what about the windows? What really happened?

Friend One: I guess he didn’t know the Missus was overseeing Security Central for a few hours since her promotion. With one click, the darkened windows cleared and the audio/video feed pre-empted all the ads and propaganda on the Jumbotrons in Times Square, Hong Kong, Toronto, Sydney, and Beijing. Referees even called an official Time Out at the World Cup game in Rio.

Friend Two: And now?

Friend One: Khorkina is thrilled. Her career has taken off. She has worldwide Fortune 100 Company modeling requests that will keep her booked daily for the next three years at least. And Mama Agency gets a healthy percentage of her newly inflated fees. Plus a commission on the YouTube ad traffic. There were 12 million hits in the first 24 hours alone.  

Friend Two: How about the Little Man?

Friend One: Well, the farm in the Nevada desert could use some help. Apparently Ex Mr. Dog Food is actually showing some beginning signs of a work ethic (

Friend Two: OOH Rah!