Monday, February 3, 2014

L. Frank Baum- Where are You when I Need You?

Two “women of a certain age” meet at a neighborhood bistro at the end of the day to quench their thirst and discuss the day’s events:

Server: Hi, My Favorite Ladies “of the evening”. Would you like your usual?

Friend 1: Do martinis come by the gallon?

Friend 2: I’m just going to dive into the vat of olives and pickle myself from both the inside and the outside.

Server: I’ll be right back, just vent politely.

Friend 1: He’s so adorable. I wonder if we could adopt him.

Friend 2: Well, he’d be a more pleasant household member than that daughter of mine. I can’t stand young adults. At 20 she is 20 times worse than during the Terrible Twos.

Friend 1: What has the Wicked Witch been up to now?

Friend 2: I swear she is bipolar. She threw a plate at me. 
Fortunately it missed me but it shattered a window, then sailed straight out into the yard and impaled a tree on the front lawn. After she laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes, she hugged me and told me she loved me.

Friend 1: You need to increase her meds. Get a tiny hypodermic needle and shoot some into her toothpaste tube. Put a couple squirts into her salad dressing, too. 

Friend 2: I told her to clean up the mess, call the glass shop, and I left. What do I do about the plate in the tree?

Friend 1: Nothing. It’s the latest addition to the performance art exhibit she is making of your house. By summer you’ll be ready to charge admission and pay off your mortgage earlier than you ever expected.

Friend 2: You know, it’s like we’re living in Oz. My daughter is truly the Wicked Witch of the West, and at work I’m surrounded by those harping flying monkeys. Your almost ex-boyfriend needs a heart, and your Boss needs a brain.


Friend 1: *Sigh*

Friend 2: What about you and the Boss? Any tension relief there? I know long distance relationships are hard with you two 1,000 miles apart, but he must be very dense to not get the fact that you two have more than a work thing going on. I feel the airwaves sizzle every time he calls your cell.

Friend 1: The last four times he called I had just gotten out of the shower.

Friend 2: Well, that has some possibilities…

Friend 1: I remained calm, explained the situation and asked him to call back in an hour. Then I hung up. At least he isn’t texting at 3 AM any more. The man needs copious amounts of sleeping pills.

Friend 2: So what happened last time?

Friend 1: I again politely explained that I had just gotten out of the shower. He just kept babbling, so when he took a breath I said, “I told you I just got out of the shower. I’m lying on my bed naked and wet. If I’m going to talk with a man while I am naked and wet it isn’t going to be about dog food. If you want a naked and wet conversation, I’m ready.”

Friend 2: So what did he say?

Friend 1: I don’t know. The line went dead and I haven’t heard from him in two days.

Server: Come, my ladies-I have your beverages and it’s time to depart Munchkin Land.

I may not be your Wizard Du Jour, but I did just download the Yellow Brick Road app to your smartphones. 

Hit speed dial and your carriage will be outside in just a minute. First stop- the Red Shoe Store. Pay no attention to the driver behind the curtain and enjoy the evening.