Two friends meet at a favorite coffee shop to discuss current
events.
Friend One: Well, I finally did it.
Friend Two: Did what? Got a tattoo, re-lost your virginity, tried
out for an Olympic sport?
Friend One: Don’t be so snarky. The only body art I ever got
was a hickey, followed closely by the V thing, and there isn’t an official naked
Olympic sporting event, although we both would have earned medals many times
over.
Friend Two: Ah yes, I vaguely remember those “Good Old Days”.
*Sigh* So what did you really do?
FO: I finally started a Facebook page.
FT: Congrats! It’s about time. How’s it going?
FO: Well, my computer and social networking skills aren’t
quite cutting edge, so you are my only friend request so far.
FT: Let’s take a look. (Opens tablet, and brings up FB site)
OK I just accepted your “friend” request. So let’s switch to your page. *tap,
tap, tap*
FO: See- there’s nothing there; I don’t even have a photo,
just a gray head silhouette on a blue square.
FT: But you do have advertisers trying to get your
attention. That’s immediate and never ending. FB has invasive, targeting
software that tracks anything you “like” or website you click on and within 30
seconds they direct ads related to those topics melded with any profile info you
are required to enter to set up a personal page.
FO: Well, I don’t need a Miracle Ear or Hover Round Wheelchair.
Do they honestly think any woman over 50 is debilitated and deaf?
FT: Wait until you start getting the male enhancement and
incontinence ones, even though you are neither male nor incontinent. Some of
those are quite amusing, and forwarding them to specific people with a personal
message is quite a satisfying creative outlet.
FO: Speaking of male, what’s this dating site ad doing here?
I didn’t click on any of those sites. How can 26 men in my town be interested
in meeting me? I own a 10,000 acre ranch. There aren’t 26 men in a 26 mile radius
of my home.
FT: Maybe they’re hiding out in the abandoned missile silo
or the mountain caves.
FO: Seriously, the silo is being converted into condos and
the caves are home to mountain lions. See- those men have no profile photos either.
They must all want to remain anonymous to avoid something. That must be what we
have in common; I want to avoid them.
FT: The only photo they probably have is a mug shot, or one
they copied and pasted from a kinky online website.
FO: Yup- the no selfie group is probably a secret chat room
for scammers who want to remain anonymous. Maybe people go there to exchange
scam secrets and techniques. They develop invasive FB ads together. Then they
can target unwitting victims who are lonely and incontinent.
FT: So you need a profile pic. With just a few taps I’ll
photo shop up one that makes you look like a cross between Betty Crocker, Ivanka
Trump, and sex on a plate. *Tap, tap, tap* See? Now you look like a smart, sexy,
business mogul, and the wooden spoon in your hand hints at just a little wicked
side.
FO: Nobody looks like that! *Pause* Although it does kind of
resemble me. OK let’s go with it and see what happens.
FT: I just set up a private vetting process that’s government worthy.
Plus the buy in fee is seven figures. I’ll just add a firewalled email address
with messaging inbox…
FO: (15 seconds
later) *Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding…* What have you done? Now 468 men
are interested in meeting me. Five of them are oil sheiks, three are European
princes, and one owns an archipelago in the Pacific. And that’s just in the
first 15 messages…
FT: So now the real fun begins. You know how we were looking
for a project? We do have several friends…
FO: Maybe we should build offices.
FT: I’m on it already.
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