Sunday, January 19, 2014

Pharmacy Waiting Line- Heal Thyself!

Pharmacy Waiting Line- Heal Thyself!

Dear CVS/Walgreens/Rite Aid/Any Major Drugstore:

I am writing about a growing concern of people “of a certain age” who want to pick up their medications in a timely manner and get on with our waning years. After all, we are the  multi-medication consumption group that is keeping you in business. More of us are buying more pills every day.  Something must be done about the interminable line that is always at the RX pick-up location.

You have 3 or 4 registers available, but only 1 or 2 are ever open. Lines stretch down the nearby aisles. In most cases, it is the Family Planning aisle. At our ages, we aren’t planning any families. We are planning how to get away from our family, and we don’t want, nor are we capable of, producing any more progeny. We may be planning our wills and how to eliminate certain family members from getting their hands on anything we possess, but at this point please stop trying to lure us into purchasing condoms, lubricants, spermicidal agents, morning after pills, lace thongs, massage oil, push up bras, bikini wax kits and the bevy of additional offerings gracing the display cases in this aisle.

We are more in need of, and more apt to make impulse or planned purchases from the aisles offering anti-diarrheal and anti-gas pills and liquids, corn and callus removers, heating pads, Epsom salts, pain relievers, vitamins and supplements, joint pain relief pills, hearing aid batteries, canes, walkers, anti-slip in-shower mats, flatulence relief pills, denture cleaner, magnification glasses, gel insoles, and similar items. Here is a prime advertising opportunity you have missed, especially on Social Security Check Day. And by the way, there are never enough carts.

In fairness, therefore, I offer the following solutions and suggestions to ease the line-waiting burden for your Most Frequent Customers (in random order):

·         We need something to do while waiting in line. Low impact exercise classes, Zumba lessons, sign language instruction (we are becoming more hearing impaired as the time passes and we age while in line), and sing alongs would keep us focused, motivated to wait patiently, and would offer employment to skilled individuals in this struggling economy. We may forget why we are in line, but we will be content.

·   Some people may not wish to participate in the above activities. Alternative entertainment is a great idea. A different type could be offered each day of the week: stand up comics (they could frequently repeat the jokes- we won’t remember them a half hour later), live music- the oldies, country, seasonal (Christmas carols- we won’t remember we’ve sung them a half hour later, and eventually we might get the words right), marches to keep our hearts beating in a synchronous rhythm, and anything by Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, or Tony Bennet would all work. Rejected contestants from America’s Got Talent could make guest appearances. “Appearing Today: Madame Lulu, Mind Reader” would calm the crowd. Since we have forgotten everything before last week, she needn’t be very accurate to keep us engaged.

·  The CVS cafĂ© would be a real hit. The line moves so slowly, and we can’t afford to miss a meal. Set up a few small tables in the waiting areas (remove those Ass Chairs that have been farted on way too often), and serve up some tasty snacks from a roving food and beverage cart. You could offer free samples of Bean-O or Tums, too. The speed the line moves, we have plenty of time for a sit down meal or two.

·   Hire line standers. Customers could pay teens to stand in line for us while we attend to remaining conscious and continent. By the way, customer access rest rooms are getting to be a pretty much mandatory need with these lines. Our bladders aren’t quite as controlled as they used to be. This is a more desirable option than frequent announcements for "Clean- Up in Aisle 12- again." 

·         For customers into more cerebral pursuits, Geriatric Jeopardy could go a long way. Dress an employee up to look like Alex Trebek. “I’ll take ‘Where did I put my car keys’ for $400.” Instead of a monetary prize, winners could be paid off in store credit for Depends, toilet tissue or personal wet wipes (see above).

·   Last but certainly not least, abbreviated versions of Senior Iron Chef (secret ingredient- cough drops) or Wheelchair Chopped (basket ingredients are food items found only in the drug store… um…) bottled water, leftover Halloween candy, Friskies, and an expired box of Triscuits.

I’m sure you will take to heart these excellent suggestions that will cater to your frequent customers. If not, you may wish to consider a display of coffins for advance purchase.

Thank you for your prompt attention to these pressing matters.

Yours truly,

PR @ Most Frequent Customer Union

P.S. Have a nice day. You have more left than we do. :-)