A Merry Toddler Christmas

A Merry Toddler Christmas

A recent conversation was overheard at a neighborhood restaurant. A Mom, Grandmother and a young boy were sharing a meal.

Grandmother (GM): I had forgotten how large and cumbersome toddler toys and accessories are. It’s been a while since I have had to Christmas wrap some for a young child.

The Mom: What did you get him? He just turned 2 and really isn’t aware of the latest trends in preschool playthings or electronics.

Young Boy (YB): iPho, iPho

GM: Well- I got him a

Mr. Potato Head. They have changed since you were little. Those had plastic potatoes. You just inserted the facial features into small holes. I had the prehistoric version when I was a girl. It was much more fun. We used real potatoes and jabbed the eyes, nose, ears, and all the other pieces into the potato wherever we wanted. It was much more imaginative play. 

The Mom: And your generation also ingested copious amounts of LSD.

GM: Well, I do remember my mother serving mashed potatoes frequently. She probably kept Idaho in the black just from our own kitchen.

The Mom: Ewww… She actually cooked those drippy, blobs full of holes oozing white goo? That explains a lot.

GM: She told us it was glue. It did stick paper together pretty well. That was before white school glue in bottles. The only alternative we had was a bottle of the brown, smelly stuff. It congealed in the slit that looked like a vag… 

The Mom: I don’t believe we are having this conversation in a public place.

GM: So the Mr. PH I got him is 2 feet tall. They were out of the life size ones, and… 

YB: P? H? E? A? Wheel!!

The Mom: Here’s your applesauce, child. Eat up, now.

GM: At least the potty chair is in a manageable box. I am considering using a spare set of sheets to wrap some items. The easel, for example, and the mini 4 wheeler.

YB: PeePee, PeePee

The Mom: OK- a potty chair is perfect, as long as it doesn’t play music whenever he uses it. 

GM: No, dear. You know that they play only those insipid kiddie songs. Now, if there was one with a solo by Garth Brooks or Roger Waters.

The Mom: Mother! You have such an old lady sense of humor – potty, brooks, waters- what’s next? You are regressing to the mindset of a 12 year old boy.

GM: Well, then I would have something in common with your husband.

YB: Appo. Want appo.

GM: He still loves applesauce. Hm... I think we are missing a money making opportunity here. We could change his name to Mott and give a couple ad firms a call. It's never too early to set up a college fund.

The Mom: Wasn’t there a rock group from the olden days called Mott the Hoople? It was just about when they invented the radio. That was when you were a teen, right?

YB: Hoople, Hoople

GM: They just did a reunion tour in November throughout the UK. They were a late 60’s, early 70’s band with moderate success. 

YB: Bunny Na Na Naaaa 

The Mom: Now listen to him. He’s repeating everything. 

GM: His language is developmentally appropriate. He’s putting 2-3 words together. 

The Mom: At least he didn’t learn to say,

"Pope Francis” despite your best effort. 

YB: Francis Hoople. 

GM: Check please!

Not a CATastrophe

Mama: Earline- I see you have packed several pieces of luggage. Are you traveling?

Earline: Yes. I am so glad Zebrudus is back. He said we are going to get in touch with nature. I hope it doesn’t involve poultry. I am getting a bit tired of the chicken drama. 

Mama: Whatever treat he has planned I am sure you will enjoy it.

Earline: All I know is that I don’t want Tia Xiomara looking at me. That Evil Eye thing is scary.

Mama: The Eye can bring many types of changes. But put that out of your mind. Focus on the present. Where are you two going? 

Earline: I think it’s a theme park and resort. He mentioned something about a cat mountain. That sounds like a thrill ride. Um... I wonder if I brought enough resort gear. I have one bag of swim and beach wear, one for fancy dressing up like dinners, one for sportswear, one for lingerie, one for shoes- how many pairs of strappy sandals do you think I need? One for personal care- moisturizers, massage oils, shower and hair products and equipment, makeup, fragrances, and one bag for accessories like jewelry, belts, sun hats.  Do you think that is enough? We’ll be gone a week, so maybe I will need…

Mama:  Zebrudus’ weight lifting abilities may be put to the test. Oh- here he is now.

Zebrudus: (Enters Mama’s office) Gradzhnya Olvecki everyone.

Mama: %”*^)$3$%?> , Sir.

Earline: Huh? Well, anyhow, I am all packed. Do you like my new sundress? (Twirls and stripy short skirt flares out.) Just right for traveling.

Zebrudus: You look delectable; it’s quite flattering. But we must embark while we have copious hours of daylight.  Quickly slip into the restroom and change. Here are your clothes and boots. (Hands Earline a stack of olive colored clothing.) Don’t forget the sunblock. I’m sure Mama will return your suitcases to your room when she picks up the kittens.

Earline: Wha???  I don’t get it. You said outdoors- like in resort.

Zebrudus: I said nature, like in backpacking. I have everything we will need in these two packs. Yours weighs only 40 or 50 pounds. No problem. (lifts backpack several times with one arm, pumping iron.)

Earline: But, but, but… these boots are so ugly- They tie. They don’t have heels. There’s no bling or anything. Where do I put my iPad? My make up? My curling iron? * Sniff*

Several days later:

Earline: I can’t believe this is our last night. I never thought camping would be fun but it is. I’ve learned a lot.  Who knew I could cook over an open fire, although cooking and fires seem to fit together for me.

Zebrudus: You have shown remarkable poise, stamina and courage in the face of so many unknowns. That is quite admirable.

Earline: Thanks. I’ll clean up the leftovers in a minute. I need to go visit the bushes. (Walks away while Zebrudus sees to their tent and other camping impedimenta.)

A while later:

Zebrudus: I was beginning to get worried- you were gone quite a while. It’s pitch black out now. The sun sets quickly here.  What are you carrying?

Earline: I found this kitten down in a bathtub sized crater. He was crying and couldn’t get out. He must have tumbled in. Why would somebody leave a kitten way out here? I don’t get it. He’s pretty big for a kitten. 

Zebrudus: (as Earline brings kitten into fire light) Earline- put that animal down right now and back away. That’s not a kitten; it’s a mountain lion cub. It is a wild animal and I can assure you the mother is close by. She will want her protect her baby. They are dangerous and can even kill a human if provoked.

Earline: I was wondering why his tail was so long and he had big paws. He’s so cute and soft. I bet he’s hungry. (She puts cub down by bowl of leftover beef stew. Cub eats.)

Zebrudus: You’re bleeding. Did it bite you?

Eatline: He was scared. He just nipped me here between my thumb and index finger. It hardly hurts. He’s been licking it. 

Zebrudus: Earline…

*Snarrrlllll!!!  Yowwwww!!!!* 

Earline: What was that?  I know- Maybe his mama came for him.

Zebrudus: Earline- back away. Oh no- too late!

Huge mama mountain lion leaps into camp between Earline and Zebrudus. She snarls, swiping at him. Zebrudus reluctantly backs away, heading for the tent where he has weapons.

Earline: Hold on there, mama cat!

Mama mountain lion spins toward Earline, snarling. The big cat takes one look at Earline, and then quickly drops down on her stomach submissively. 

Mama Mountain Lion: My apologies, Pikiskwatew kiki asiniwacew.

Earline: That’s okay. No problem. You just wanted to make sure your baby was fine. I understand.

Zebrudus: Earline- back away slowly. I have a rifle but I don’t want to shoot if I don’t have to.

Earline: Calm down, Z. We’re having a conversation here. (She sits down on nearby rock.)

Zebrudus: All I hear is snarling and hissing. What do you mean by conversation?

MML: (to Earline) May I approach the cub?

Earline: Sure- he’s your baby. (To Zebrudus): Just chill and listen.

MML: Cub- why are you here with the humans? 

Cub: I’m sorry Mama. I wanted to touch the moon. I saw it in a big hole.  I reached over the side, stretched my paw down, and I slipped. The moon was only a reflection in a puddle in the big hole, anyway. My paws got wet. I tried to jump out, but I couldn’t. The sides were too high. I missed you and started crying. Then the female human found me. I didn’t mean to bite her but I was scared when she pulled me up…

MML: Hush, cub. (To Earline): Thank you for rescuing this young foolish one. He has chosen to mark you as She Talks with Mountain Lion. It is a very rare gift. Wear the scar with humility and hold the secret close. 

Zebrudus: All I hear is yowling and growls. Can you understand them? What’s going on?

Earline : Shhh, Z. (To mountain lions):  Glad I was there to help. He just tumbled in. Hey, that can be your name, little guy- Tumble.

Tumble: I like it, thanks. Mama- Pikiskwatew gave me beef stew. It’s good but I liked those chickens better.

Earline: So, now we know what really happened to those Town Hall chickens. 

MML: I have to feed my babies. The rabbit population will soon increase again and …

Earline: Don’t worry. The animal sanctuary usually has some leftovers. I’ll make sure Pepe and Raul bring out food every few days and leave it here. With the ATV’s it won’t take long.

MML: I will listen for them from our den up in the mountain caves. Remember that our food must be meat. Cats need the amino acids in meat to survive, especially Taurine. 

Earline. I’ll research that some and get you what you need as long as you leave the chickens alone. I don’t want Mama getting mad. 

MML: Thank you, She Talks. No, the Mama is to be respected. Come Tumble, your siblings are waiting. I caught three fine, fat squirrels to bring home for dinner.

Tumble: Wait until they hear about this! So long, Pikiskwatew. We’ll meet again soon. (They lope off into the night.)

Zebrudus: Are you okay? What was that all about?

Earline: Tumble and his mama were just telling me about the food shortage right now. We worked out a deal. It’s no biggie.

Zebrudus: You really talked with them? Understood them?

Earline: Sure, didn’t you?

Zebrudus: No, I am not a Solomonar when it comes to cats. The zgrimties, the hultan in my family have strong abilities but we do not usually have the gift to understand cats.  But let’s get your hand bandaged.

Earline: I can’t. The mama mountain lion said I was to,” Wear the scar with humility, and hold the secret close.”

Zebrudus: We can then only stem the bleeding. You are right. This gift is rare. It is unusual that the mark will appear on two … Er… Come- let’s retire for the night. 

Earline: I am getting sleepy. 

They quickly finish cleaning up, enter their tent and settle into sleeping bags. Zebrudus extinguishes the lantern.

Zebrudus: (Takes Earline into his arms and holds her protectively.) Let me tell you a story, a legend, actually. The first known part takes place over a thousand years ago. In a mysterious desert kingdom built upon an oasis, a dark haired princess is born…

Chickens in the Trees

Most of North Punty is sleeping soundly. 

Pepe (Li’l Einstein’s older brother and part owner of a backhoe) and Raul (his friend and part owner of a backhoe) are joy riding the back roads looking for trouble they can ill afford to find. 

They are both on the far side of tipsy and should not be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, or even in one.

Pepe: Stop quick, Raul. I wanna to read that sign.

*Screeeeeech* (Car stops leaving trail of rubber.)

Raul: What sign? Oh, that one: “Free Chickens.”

Pepe: Yup. C’mon- I know just how to get back at that snooty judge for that last DUI warning. I am so over community service. Two hundred hours of cleanin’ dog kennels at the animal sanctuary. I never wanna see a dog again. And I weren’t drinkin’ no more then than I is now. Haw haw haw. C’mon.

They exit the vehicle and stagger to the crates of chickens. Following some semi-lucid deliberation they each procure two chickens and miraculously manage to secure the crates. They stagger back to the vehicle amidst much clucking and fluttering of wings from 4 upside down chickens.

Raul: Where we puttin’ these birds fer the ride back? They sure be noisy! We cain’t be driving through town with this squawkin’ and flappin’. It’d give away the plan…

Pepe: (*Click* trunk opens) Just toss ‘em in here. 

Raul: But if they stink up Tia Xiomara’s ride, community service will be the least of our troubles. 

Pepe: I’ll drive fast so they don’t have time to do nothin’.

Raul. That’s usin’ yer brain. Let’s giddyup.

They  toss chickens in trunk, close lid and depart to the town square uneventfully except for muffled squawking every time the vehicle bumps or swerves, which pretty much is constantly. 

Chickens: *Brawwwwkkkk!! Sqawaaaakkkk!! Buck Buck Buck, Pa dawwwwkkk!!* {Repeat from asterisk several times right to left, then left to right}

Raul: Which office is that lady judge’s? What’s her name agin?

Pepe: Her Honor Uh-Huh. Another cousin of Ta-Da and Ah-Ha. Dunno what window’s hers. We’ll just tie up the chickens to the railing here with her name on their tags. Like a late Christmas present. Haw haw haw.

They depart forthwith. 

The next morning the town awakens to a hub bub on the courthouse steps.

Police Chief Currently Serving as Acting Animal Control Officer Ah-Choo: Yup, those are mountain lion tracks. It got whatever was tied up here. * Ka Chew!!* From the few feathers floating about, I’d guess chickens. *Cough* But why there are four dog leashes tied to the railing * Sniff* with your name on tags attached to them, Cousin Judge Uh-Huh, I don’t know.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: I think I do, but until we have more evidence, the Court can’t take further action. By the way, cousin, how are those allergy shots going? I never heard of an animal control officer who was allergic to all kinds of fur and feathers. 

Chief Ah-Choo: Slowly working, thanks. *Sniff* I’ll assign some extra night patrols around here for a while, just in case the cat returns. I’ll also post someone outside your place at night. I think Buff Bicep is available.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: He’ll do just fine. *Smiles to self.*

Very late two nights later, a vehicle again swerves and lurches along the back roads outside North Punty, making one squawky stop. A few hours later:

Earline awakens suddenly as two kittens bound across her prone body to the window seat.

Heisenberg: Yeeoooowwwlll: (translation- what was that?)

Argon: Grrrrrr!!! (translation- Grrrrr!!!)

Earline- Ouch!!! What was that? It’s still dark out- It’s 4:30 AM!

Outside in courtyard: Err er EEEEErrrrrr errrrr! *Squawk Pa Dawk*

Heisenberg: Mrrrrrowp Grr. (translation- That was a rooster.)

Argon: Yow! (translation- And chickens.)

Earline rushes to the window where the kittens are frantically scratching on the glass.

Earline: That sounded like a rooster- and chickens. How could chickens get into the courtyard? There aren’t supposed to be chickens running around here. Why are they in the trees? Chickens don’t live in trees. I better call Mama.

Several minutes later; floodlights illuminate courtyard:

Mama (as everyone gathers in the library): Yes- those appear to be chickens in the trees. Quite strange, especially since they are on leashes attached to branches. Hm… Here comes Her Honor, accompanied by Officer Bicep.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: (arrives from her condo, quickly tying sash on robe) Not again. What were those …

Mama:  Chief Ah-Choo has finished her preliminary investigation. *Ahem* Mr. Bicep- aren’t you supposed to be on duty guarding Her Honor? Your shirt is buttoned askew and you are wearing pink socks and a dog collar.

Officer Bicep: Oops (blushes, glancing guiltily at Her Honor)… Er… I’ll be right back.

Chief Ah-Choo: I have gathered the evidence and the birds along with the security camera footage. Your Honor, you now have sufficient material to proceed. The video clearly identifies the two young men placing the chickens in the trees. I also found Pepe’s wallet on the ground. Officer Bicep and I will swing by The Hacienda and bring them in once he dons his standard uniform.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Don’t be harsh with him, Chief, please. He is an amazing body guard. He did everything to protect me that I asked. My body has never felt safer or more relaxed. Really…

Chief Ah-Choo:  *Hrrrp* As you wish, cousin. But in the future please close your drapes. I shall need to edit some of the security footage before it is presented as evidence. By the way, can I have the name of your, well, never mind—I’ll text you later. Come along, Officer Bicep.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: (finger wave) See you later, Officer.

Four hours later in Her Honor’s courtroom:

Her Honor Uh-Huh: So, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we are finished here. Pepe and Raul, by day you are remanded into Mama’s custody where you will divide your time between attending animal husbandry classes, then building and tending the new free range chicken enclosure Mama has so generously agreed to develop. At the end of the day you will by remanded into Tia Xiomara’s custody where hopefully you will diligently attend to mastering domestic skills. 

Mama: Thank you, Your Honor. I believe the free range eggs will become a welcome addition to the healthy choices on the menus throughout campus. These young men will be quite busy while they work off the bond I posted. The backhoe makes excellent collateral. 

Tia Xiomara: * Ahem* {Points to eye}

Pepe & Raul: No, No!! Not the Stink Eye, Tia, please! Last time you done that we got the runs for a month.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Then no more fowl play! *Clunk* Court is adjourned. Officer Bicep- my chambers- now!

Officer Bicep: (locking door) Yes, Your Honor? 

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Help me remove my robe, please. 

Officer Bicep: Ma’am- you’re not wearing anything but heels…

Her Honor Uh-Huh: An egregious oversight…

There’s Something Fishy Going On

Earline’s ringtone sounds: *** Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this Mama said…
(Mama said, Mama said) Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this my Mama said.
(Mama said, Mama said) ***

Earline: Hello?

Voice in phone: MMnnhhhvvpppp!!!  Bbrrfffzzdd?

 

Argon: Mew (Translation-I’m hiding.) {Scampers under Earline’s bed.}

Earline: I’ll be right there. (Disconnects and dashes out her bedroom door.)

Heisenberg: Meowww Yow! (Translation- Don’t hide. It makes you look guilty.)

Argon: Mrowwwwp !! (Translation- Quick- help me delete this email and turn off her laptop.)

{Kittens scamper about mysteriously then curl up on window seat pretending to nap.}

Mama’s Office:

Earline: I swear I have no idea what all this is.

Mama: Earline- your name is on this bill of lading and there are four trucks outside with a dozen men wanting to know where to start unloading. Now here comes Li’l Einstein’s brother Pepe with his backhoe. Just what is going on??

Earline: I didn’t order anything, no matter what that paper says. What does it say, by the way?

Mama: (looking through sheaf of papers) 14 yards of gravel, 12 pallets of blue slate, 4 cement trucks, several tons of dirt, and an assortment of aquatic plants from Under the Sea Pond Accessories. C.O.D. And that’s just the first two pages. Page 3 is statuary, page 4 is outdoor furniture and page 5 is for Japanese koi and other exotic fish to be delivered in four days. These are all dated yesterday and put on overnight premium delivery. Plus it says to ask someone named A.H. for special instructions.

Earline: But that’s not me. I don’t even know anyone with those initials.

Door opens and Mr. Muscles enters: I just talked to the foreman. He said they were faxed plans last night detailing the design of a fish pond to be built in the courtyard enclosed by the east wing residence suites.

Earline: My window seat looks out over that space, and the suite’s French Doors open onto it, but..

Mama: Well, the area is plain and uninteresting. I was musing about what to do with it a couple days ago. Let me think. Yes, it was in the afternoon when Ta-da and Earline were off to the animal sanctuary again and I was kit… Earline, Muscles- wait here. I’ll be right back.

Mama takes off on a mission. Five minutes later in Earline’s bedroom:

Mama: (Sits down on the soon to be infamous window seat) In the future, you must be much more careful. It is far too soon, and…

Argon: Meeeew. (Translation- I’m really sorry.) {She jumps onto Mama’s lap and places a tiny paw on Mama’s cheek.}

Mama: But all things considered, a pond will be quite lovely out here. You are both right. It will be fully enclosed and safe for you and your guests to play with no chance of anyone getting lost. And the sound of gurgling water is very soothing. 

Heisenberg: Yeeoowww. Mrowff.  (Translation- we were just really excited.) {Rubs against Mama’s arm.}

Mama: We are alone. It is okay.

Heisenberg: We wanted to surprise her as a thank you for adopting us.

Argon: We stayed up all night researching and working to achieve the perfect design. 

Mama: I hope the fountain of Puss ‘N Boots in the middle doesn’t give it away. But I don’t think she’ll figure that out for a long time. 

Heisenberg. We thought it added just a touch of humor.

Argon: We will pay for it all, too. I’ll just fax Catacombs Feline Credit Union and they can wire transfer…

Mama: No, this will be my Happy New Year gift to this expanding family. 

Argon: How will you explain it? I guess we didn’t think of that. Who will A. H. be? 

Heisenberg: Perhaps the pond can be a gift from Zebrudus because he misses Earline. And Ta-Da’s cousin, Ah-Ha is a landscape architect. 

Mama: That will work. I’ll call them shortly. Meanwhile, your next assignment is landscaping selections. Perhaps some cattails, catnip and pussy willows to start. I’ll just get Muscles directing the workers and have Earline bring you both down to my office for kitten sitting. We can order the plants. She can go fetch refreshments.

Argon and Heisenberg: Purrrrfect.

Earline Finds a Purpose

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Earline: (very excited): Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mama: You’re welcome, but a little more information would be relevant.

Earline: Well, I miss Zebrudus very much, but I understand he needs to go home, too, and see his family and he and I aren’t at the “Meet Mom and Dad” place yet although, er, um.. I guess that is too much information, but anyhow, after Christmas Eve and all that… (Stops to take a breath).

Mama: Yes, the Count and Countess are lovely people but why they rumble about in that drafty castle in those gloomy mountains I don’t… Well, I am sure you will meet them someday, dear. But why all the excitement?

Earline: Well, all of a sudden, Ta-Da has gotten to be my friend and now I have a Purpose.

Mama: Earline, I hope you do not think you can join her sisterhood. It is (ahem) genetically restricted for many reasons and frankly, I do not believe you qualify. Ta-da is African and is 6’ 4” tall. You are Caucasian and 5’ 5” tall. In addition…

Earline: (interrupting) No, no, no, nothing like that. All that helicopter stuff is way too scary and have you ever seen her throw a javelin?... and although (breath) the Scrounge and Lounge is the best place for clothes and I now know where she gets some of her supplies to make all those Fu…, er, pretty shoes and skirts and…(stops to breathe again).

Mama: Earline, get to the point. Please.

Earline: Well, she asked me if I could help her out yesterday and I thought she wanted me to help her with the clothes (breath) but I couldn’t figure out why since my fashion sense isn’t the best except for swimwear,  but I am learning (breath) and then she said no, that was under control, but she needed help with something else and I said OK and we went to the animal sanctuary and helped (breath) with the cats and now I have a Purpose. (Pant, pant, pant).

Mama: Indeed? After one day?

Earline: Yup, er… yes, ma’am. Do you believe it? I have discovered that I want to help with the animals and I love the kittens and they like me and cuddling them is fun. But why do some of them have dumb names and others have numbers?

Mama: Such as? 

Earline: Let me show you. (She goes into the hallway and returns a moment later with a large basket.) See? This is Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (Lifts out small buff colored feline with brown tufted ears and hands it to Mama). That is the stupidest name ever for a cat. 

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Nrowf? Hissssss.  (Translation: You’re telling me? My litter mates were named Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin and Danica Patrick)

Mama: (looks into kitten’s face and nods). Yes. But he says er…I believe his father was named Dale Earnhardt, so being Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is logical. I am sure he would not mind a different name at all.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Rrrooow (Translation: No kidding.)

Earline: And this one (lifts out grey furry bundle) is Cat 4217. Now who names a cat a number? 

Cat 4217: Nrowwt Mew. (Translation: Not me.)

Mama: I am sure the numbers are only for record keeping. The adopter can rename their new pet whatever they wish. (Takes kitten from Earline and looks into her eyes.) This one agrees, er… Just why do you have these kittens, Earline?

Earline: I am adopting them. I know I can take care of them. I promise I’ll do everything right. I even borrowed some books from the library about taking care of kittens and I’ve been reading articles on the internet. And these two just came over to me and put their paws up on my leg and my heart melted. It was like they were talking to me.

Mama:  Ahhh…Let me think for a minute. (Closes eyes while absently petting kittens). 

Earline: Please, please, please.

Both kittens: Mrrrowww, trillllllp (Translation: Let’s get this charade over with)

Mama: Earline, I agree. This is just the correct amount of responsibility for you to balance with your expanding life interests. But- when you are out, they will be with me here in my office.

Both kittens: Brrrrp, mreep (Translation: Finally- we can get some work done)

Earline: Thank you. Now what do I name them? I was thinking something scientific or chemistry because of Zebrudus. The Dale one could be named Heisenberg after that quark guy. It sounds intelligent and he seems like a smart kitty. Maybe he could help me with science stuff. Ha ha.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Meow yow. (Translation: Werner Heisenberg- I look like him, too!)

Mama: (looking at kitten, then nuzzling him): I am sure he will be honored.

Heisenberg (kitty formerly known as Dale Earnhart, Jr): Yow, Brrow (Translation: I am, thanks Mama)

Earline: Now Cat 4217 looks grey-blue, so I looked at the Chemistry chart…

 

Mama: Do you mean the Periodic Table of Elements?

Earline: Yup, that’s it. So, anyhow, I found out that those noble gases burn colors and Argon burns blue. Since Cats 4217 is kinda bluish she can be Argon and that is noble like a royalty person, but not those stuffy boring ones. 

Argon: (kitty formerly known as Cat 4217) Trillllp Yow (Translation: Perfect. I am Russian Blue and you will treat me with respect).

Mama: (nuzzling Argon, whispers): Watch the attitude, Princess.

Argon: Bripp (Translation: Sorry, Mama)

Earline: So are we good to go?  I will set everything up and make sure it is all good. What will Zebrudus think?

Mama: I would not be willing to hazard a guess. Just keep in mind, dear, that care of a pet involves a lot more than finding it a name. And if you are serious about helping at the animal sanctuary and sharing your life with these who furry friends who have chosen you… well, we shall see. Now off you go. 

Earline: Great. I’ll just gather up the basket and litter and kibble and bowls and pans and toys and scratcher and blankets and the kittens. Oh dear- I may need more than one trip. May I borrow the elevator key, please?

Heisenberg and Argon: Mrowff mew yow. (Translated- Maybe we can hide under the bed a lot.)