There’s Something Fishy Going On

Earline’s ringtone sounds: *** Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this Mama said…
(Mama said, Mama said) Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this my Mama said.
(Mama said, Mama said) ***

Earline: Hello?

Voice in phone: MMnnhhhvvpppp!!!  Bbrrfffzzdd?

 

Argon: Mew (Translation-I’m hiding.) {Scampers under Earline’s bed.}

Earline: I’ll be right there. (Disconnects and dashes out her bedroom door.)

Heisenberg: Meowww Yow! (Translation- Don’t hide. It makes you look guilty.)

Argon: Mrowwwwp !! (Translation- Quick- help me delete this email and turn off her laptop.)

{Kittens scamper about mysteriously then curl up on window seat pretending to nap.}

Mama’s Office:

Earline: I swear I have no idea what all this is.

Mama: Earline- your name is on this bill of lading and there are four trucks outside with a dozen men wanting to know where to start unloading. Now here comes Li’l Einstein’s brother Pepe with his backhoe. Just what is going on??

Earline: I didn’t order anything, no matter what that paper says. What does it say, by the way?

Mama: (looking through sheaf of papers) 14 yards of gravel, 12 pallets of blue slate, 4 cement trucks, several tons of dirt, and an assortment of aquatic plants from Under the Sea Pond Accessories. C.O.D. And that’s just the first two pages. Page 3 is statuary, page 4 is outdoor furniture and page 5 is for Japanese koi and other exotic fish to be delivered in four days. These are all dated yesterday and put on overnight premium delivery. Plus it says to ask someone named A.H. for special instructions.

Earline: But that’s not me. I don’t even know anyone with those initials.

Door opens and Mr. Muscles enters: I just talked to the foreman. He said they were faxed plans last night detailing the design of a fish pond to be built in the courtyard enclosed by the east wing residence suites.

Earline: My window seat looks out over that space, and the suite’s French Doors open onto it, but..

Mama: Well, the area is plain and uninteresting. I was musing about what to do with it a couple days ago. Let me think. Yes, it was in the afternoon when Ta-da and Earline were off to the animal sanctuary again and I was kit… Earline, Muscles- wait here. I’ll be right back.

Mama takes off on a mission. Five minutes later in Earline’s bedroom:

Mama: (Sits down on the soon to be infamous window seat) In the future, you must be much more careful. It is far too soon, and…

Argon: Meeeew. (Translation- I’m really sorry.) {She jumps onto Mama’s lap and places a tiny paw on Mama’s cheek.}

Mama: But all things considered, a pond will be quite lovely out here. You are both right. It will be fully enclosed and safe for you and your guests to play with no chance of anyone getting lost. And the sound of gurgling water is very soothing. 

Heisenberg: Yeeoowww. Mrowff.  (Translation- we were just really excited.) {Rubs against Mama’s arm.}

Mama: We are alone. It is okay.

Heisenberg: We wanted to surprise her as a thank you for adopting us.

Argon: We stayed up all night researching and working to achieve the perfect design. 

Mama: I hope the fountain of Puss ‘N Boots in the middle doesn’t give it away. But I don’t think she’ll figure that out for a long time. 

Heisenberg. We thought it added just a touch of humor.

Argon: We will pay for it all, too. I’ll just fax Catacombs Feline Credit Union and they can wire transfer…

Mama: No, this will be my Happy New Year gift to this expanding family. 

Argon: How will you explain it? I guess we didn’t think of that. Who will A. H. be? 

Heisenberg: Perhaps the pond can be a gift from Zebrudus because he misses Earline. And Ta-Da’s cousin, Ah-Ha is a landscape architect. 

Mama: That will work. I’ll call them shortly. Meanwhile, your next assignment is landscaping selections. Perhaps some cattails, catnip and pussy willows to start. I’ll just get Muscles directing the workers and have Earline bring you both down to my office for kitten sitting. We can order the plants. She can go fetch refreshments.

Argon and Heisenberg: Purrrrfect.

Earline Finds a Purpose

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Earline: (very excited): Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mama: You’re welcome, but a little more information would be relevant.

Earline: Well, I miss Zebrudus very much, but I understand he needs to go home, too, and see his family and he and I aren’t at the “Meet Mom and Dad” place yet although, er, um.. I guess that is too much information, but anyhow, after Christmas Eve and all that… (Stops to take a breath).

Mama: Yes, the Count and Countess are lovely people but why they rumble about in that drafty castle in those gloomy mountains I don’t… Well, I am sure you will meet them someday, dear. But why all the excitement?

Earline: Well, all of a sudden, Ta-Da has gotten to be my friend and now I have a Purpose.

Mama: Earline, I hope you do not think you can join her sisterhood. It is (ahem) genetically restricted for many reasons and frankly, I do not believe you qualify. Ta-da is African and is 6’ 4” tall. You are Caucasian and 5’ 5” tall. In addition…

Earline: (interrupting) No, no, no, nothing like that. All that helicopter stuff is way too scary and have you ever seen her throw a javelin?... and although (breath) the Scrounge and Lounge is the best place for clothes and I now know where she gets some of her supplies to make all those Fu…, er, pretty shoes and skirts and…(stops to breathe again).

Mama: Earline, get to the point. Please.

Earline: Well, she asked me if I could help her out yesterday and I thought she wanted me to help her with the clothes (breath) but I couldn’t figure out why since my fashion sense isn’t the best except for swimwear,  but I am learning (breath) and then she said no, that was under control, but she needed help with something else and I said OK and we went to the animal sanctuary and helped (breath) with the cats and now I have a Purpose. (Pant, pant, pant).

Mama: Indeed? After one day?

Earline: Yup, er… yes, ma’am. Do you believe it? I have discovered that I want to help with the animals and I love the kittens and they like me and cuddling them is fun. But why do some of them have dumb names and others have numbers?

Mama: Such as? 

Earline: Let me show you. (She goes into the hallway and returns a moment later with a large basket.) See? This is Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (Lifts out small buff colored feline with brown tufted ears and hands it to Mama). That is the stupidest name ever for a cat. 

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Nrowf? Hissssss.  (Translation: You’re telling me? My litter mates were named Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin and Danica Patrick)

Mama: (looks into kitten’s face and nods). Yes. But he says er…I believe his father was named Dale Earnhardt, so being Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is logical. I am sure he would not mind a different name at all.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Rrrooow (Translation: No kidding.)

Earline: And this one (lifts out grey furry bundle) is Cat 4217. Now who names a cat a number? 

Cat 4217: Nrowwt Mew. (Translation: Not me.)

Mama: I am sure the numbers are only for record keeping. The adopter can rename their new pet whatever they wish. (Takes kitten from Earline and looks into her eyes.) This one agrees, er… Just why do you have these kittens, Earline?

Earline: I am adopting them. I know I can take care of them. I promise I’ll do everything right. I even borrowed some books from the library about taking care of kittens and I’ve been reading articles on the internet. And these two just came over to me and put their paws up on my leg and my heart melted. It was like they were talking to me.

Mama:  Ahhh…Let me think for a minute. (Closes eyes while absently petting kittens). 

Earline: Please, please, please.

Both kittens: Mrrrowww, trillllllp (Translation: Let’s get this charade over with)

Mama: Earline, I agree. This is just the correct amount of responsibility for you to balance with your expanding life interests. But- when you are out, they will be with me here in my office.

Both kittens: Brrrrp, mreep (Translation: Finally- we can get some work done)

Earline: Thank you. Now what do I name them? I was thinking something scientific or chemistry because of Zebrudus. The Dale one could be named Heisenberg after that quark guy. It sounds intelligent and he seems like a smart kitty. Maybe he could help me with science stuff. Ha ha.

Kitten temporarily known as Dale: Meow yow. (Translation: Werner Heisenberg- I look like him, too!)

Mama: (looking at kitten, then nuzzling him): I am sure he will be honored.

Heisenberg (kitty formerly known as Dale Earnhart, Jr): Yow, Brrow (Translation: I am, thanks Mama)

Earline: Now Cat 4217 looks grey-blue, so I looked at the Chemistry chart…

 

Mama: Do you mean the Periodic Table of Elements?

Earline: Yup, that’s it. So, anyhow, I found out that those noble gases burn colors and Argon burns blue. Since Cats 4217 is kinda bluish she can be Argon and that is noble like a royalty person, but not those stuffy boring ones. 

Argon: (kitty formerly known as Cat 4217) Trillllp Yow (Translation: Perfect. I am Russian Blue and you will treat me with respect).

Mama: (nuzzling Argon, whispers): Watch the attitude, Princess.

Argon: Bripp (Translation: Sorry, Mama)

Earline: So are we good to go?  I will set everything up and make sure it is all good. What will Zebrudus think?

Mama: I would not be willing to hazard a guess. Just keep in mind, dear, that care of a pet involves a lot more than finding it a name. And if you are serious about helping at the animal sanctuary and sharing your life with these who furry friends who have chosen you… well, we shall see. Now off you go. 

Earline: Great. I’ll just gather up the basket and litter and kibble and bowls and pans and toys and scratcher and blankets and the kittens. Oh dear- I may need more than one trip. May I borrow the elevator key, please?

Heisenberg and Argon: Mrowff mew yow. (Translated- Maybe we can hide under the bed a lot.)

The Electronic Cat

Welcome to my new blog.  One of my areas of interest is cats. I write about  all things cat for an online newspaper and have a couple guest blogs in cyberspace. While not limiting my options to cats alone, my writing will often encompass animal advocacy issues and almost always humor in some way.  So here is a repost of an earlier article about unusual animal traits. Enjoy!

There are several unusual types of cats and you may be the fortunate owner of one. This is not a discussion of a breed, but a behavior. All cats are unique in their individual "catness"; all share some similar personality traits. Beyond that, some have quirks and behaviors that make them quite different.

The Electronic Cat

This cat type needs to roost near or on some device that is connected to electricity. They are drawn to ohms and watts like, well, a cat to a mouse. A cat sense allows them to deduce the location and placement of small, electronic devices you own. Occasionally they will allow you access to these devices, but don't count on it.

The first device is the TV remote. Don't think about changing your channel- ever- when your cat is on the remote. Kitty will choose the channel and the program. She will also adjust the volume, select your favorite channels and set the timer. All this with just a purr and a flick of the tail.You are just out of luck. Consider your TV time an alternate entertainment zone. Reading a book could be a substitute for the TV, but Kitty will sit on it, too.

Don't even try to find the remote under the cat. Sliding one's hand under the Electronic Cat could be hazardous to your health. Be sure you have bandages and antiseptic handy just in case a momentary mental lapse occurs.

The Electronic Cat's second favorite device is the telephone. Often Kitty will lie next to the phone on the arm of the sofa. Kitty will make sure she is between you and the phone. Kitty will also double in size and become one with the sofa arm. When the phone rings, Kitty automatically adjusts her location to place all of her body between you and the handset. You will never be able to answer the call and Voicemail will become your best friend.

Kitty is equally adept at inhibiting cell phone connections. She instinctively knows where your cell is located in your clothing and will lie on that part of you. She will gain 20 pounds instantly when your cell rings so you can never reach into your pocket.  She can disconnect a caller with a whisker twitch, then  brazenly give you the Innocent Me stare.

Rounding out the top three is the computer. Keyboards enable cats to blog and network. Your busily typing fingers are irrelevant if it is Kitty's time to post or tweet. Cats have short deadlines with nap time always imminent. Laptops are self contained cat toys making an all-in-one entertainment center readily available. After all, the adjacent keyboard and mouse  cut down on that unnecessary moving around from component to component. And a mouse is a mouse.

So if you own an Electronic cat, you can plug into their antics. These kitties are special and powerful additions to your world.