Life is a Box of Chocolates

My webfriend, Ryan turns 19 tomorrow. We met serendipitously on a site challenging us to daily make a small change in something in our lives. Along with a group of many "invisible" friends we comment, laugh and generally edify each other with advice and suggestions.

Ryan and I live far apart and our non-cyber lives probably have little in common aside from writing, This Young Grasshopper will succeed with a fine professional writing career in his future.We stay in touch and always comment on each other's posts. here is a conversation from this morning:

YG: Even angels need to fall so they can be there to help another soul rise, they won't give up on the one they love, even if it takes them a million tries... 

Mama: Angels don't fall. That happened before time began. They are spirits so they can float down. But since you have only one more day to be 18, I will allow you this one gaffe of poetic license.

YG: I'm not using fall in the literal meaning. Technically floating downwards could also be considered falling since when a balloon floats downwards from the sky it's still falling, just not at a rapid pace.

Mama: Angels are sentient beings and possess control capability. Balloons are inanimate objects so they cannot control their ultimate flight path. This is a difference. It may be esoteric for most but even in the poetical sense honing vocabulary choice helps paint a more precise image or direct thought which is always the writer's object. 

YG: Angels aren't proven to exist...so whether they fall or float down can't be proven either way...so isn't this all irrelevant?

Mama: How do you know? Empirical evidence isn't everything. Wind can't be seen- just the effects. Maybe it is angel wings flapping.

YG: That's just it, I don't know Mama, but I never claimed that they do or do not exist, I just said it hasn't been proven.

Mama:  Either way and by what methodology?

YG:  The methodology of my own imagination.

Mama:  So if you imagine you see an angel how will you know if it is real?

YG:  That's almost like asking: How do I know any of this is real and that I haven't been in a coma for the majority of my life imagining everything? There is no right answer.

Mama:  So you are really Barney?

YG:  ‎"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family."

Mama:   I knew we were related...

YG: Never know what I'm going to get when I "talk" to you Mama...

Mama: You betcha...

YG:  ‎"Mama you are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." At least I think that's how the quote goes....

Mama:  Often sweet, sometimes crunchy food for thought, always some nuts.

Mama says,  "Happy Birthday, Young Grasshopper. May angels guide and keep you for many years in  whatever realm you meet them."

  

 

A B C, 1 2 3

School will soon be ending for summer vacation and for about 10 weeks squillions of kids will be loafing around, pestering their parents to entertain them and helping major pharmaceutical companies boost sales of tension headache relief medicines.

It is time for me to comment on educational matters. I have taught for more years in three states than many kids can count up to. Many could not do the math to figure out the number, even if I gave them the year I started and they had to subtract using the current year, which many of them also do not know. By the way, it is 2011.

I have seen the education system in the US from the parent's side and the teacher's side. We don't have a perfect system or perfect educators or perfect parents.

As a parent you are stuck with your kid, so deal and become responsible. Spend time investing in Johnny's education. Monitor homework, get involved with something at the school and set a good example. Words are words, but kids respond to actions. No excuses- suck it up and get busy.

You don't have to be the volunteer gymnastics coach or sing Latin ditties in Advance Placement  classes. My college professor daughter said recently that one of her happiest Kindergarten memories was when I was posting notices on the PTA Bulletin Board in her school and I waved to her as her class walked by. She said it made her feel important that her Mom cared enough to volunteer a couple hours a month  at her school.

Fortunately, school districts aren't stuck with bad teachers unless they live in a state where tenure comes way too fast. Two or three years isn't enough time to judge the effectiveness and skill of a nascent educator. Many are still students- a policy I believe should be discontinued. 

I frequently help score essays teaching candidates write as part of the exams they must take during the certification process. Some of the responses we read are great and we are confident these adults will make wonderful teachers. But for many it is very clear that these people need to stay in school much longer or seek a new career path. So get at least a Master's Degree and put all your effort into learning your trade; don't try to get away with anything. It WILL come back to bite you.

If a state confers tenure on a teacher it should be after at least 5 years, but there should also be mandated continuing education requirements. These offerings should be something worthwhile. I have attended many wasted hours in useless seminars based on administrative politics rather than teaching skill enhancement. 

Care is needed not to link performance results with teaching ability. Special education is one area where this is necessary. 

So I decided to see how much my neighbor's kid has learned in 5th grade social studies this year. I know they study many aspects of our nation, one being states: their geographic, political and economic features.  Here is our conversation:


Mama: What did you learn about the states?

L'il Einstein: Everything- just ax (sic) me.

Mama: It will be my pleasure. Do you know the capitals of the states?

L.E.:I know 'em all.

Mama: If I name a state, can you tell me its capital?

L.E.:  Stump me, Mama- I mean ma'am. Make it hard.

Mama: Alright. What is the capital of Wyoming?

L.E.: Oh, you did pick a hard one. Do I get a mobile shout out?

Mama: No, dear, just do your best.

L.E.: Oh man, OK. Um... I gotta think...Ummmmmm. Hey- I got it! The capital of Wyoming is W!


Mama says. "No wonder the United States is out of the top 10 in world education rankings: 14th in reading, 25th in math, 17th in science.""


Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2010/dec/07/world-education-rankings-maths-science-reading

A Rose is a Rose

Long before the RRR huggers (reduce, reuse, recycle) overtook the world, I worked with a gal who could have been the Guru of ReU.  She was single and the youngest of 12 or so siblings. I think that by the time she came along direct parental instruction had waned.

Mom and Dad were probably pooped and decided she would figure out enough on her own by observation of older brothers and sister.Well, not so much, but she used her ingenuity and creativity to repurpose several places and items in her apartment to make them more compatible with her lifestyle. 

Rose did not cook. I don't think she even knew how to heat up water in a microwave. I stopped by her place once to give her a ride. While she was getting ready I explored her kitchen after noticing no food related impedimenta on the counters. No toaster, can opener, paper towels, knife holder, crock of wooden spoons or coffee mugs. 

I did see a saucepan full of eye make up, a stand mirror and eyelash curlers straddling the saucepan handle. Her favorite necklaces hung nearby on a banana hook. The rotating spice rack housed lipstick and mascara wands instead of parsley, sage rosemary and thyme.

Against my better judgment I peered into an upper cabinet. Sweaters, sweaters, and sweaters. Wool, cotton, long sleeved, short sleeved, cardigan and pullover all categorized and color coded by shelf and stacked up neat enough to pass Army muster. 

Lower cabinets mimicked a shoe store; drawers from top to bottom housed bras, panties, work socks, athletic socks. The broom closet stored long pants and dresses. 

Since Rose did not cook she relied on outside sources for subsistence. True to form, she remained organized and consistent. Every night she ordered take out from a different eating establishment. Monday was Chinese, Tuesday- Italian, Wednesday- sub from the corner deli, etc. 

To make the Rose list the mandatory condition was delivery. Rose got lost in her bathroom, which explains why she dressed in the kitchen- it was right inside the entrance door.

Rose always ordered the same menu item from each place and entered them on her speed dial. After a while they knew her voice and eventually just stopped wasting time and automatically delivered food to her place unless she placed a cancellation call.

The day finally came when Rose graduated to the next phase of her life. Moving was delayed, however, when  she couldn't figure out why the hose she attached to her water bed spigot wasn't draining the water out her window. Rose lived in a basement apartment. Behold the mystery of gravity.

We got an update about Rose a few yeas later. She had invsted in cooking lessons and discovered buying in bulk. She bought a walk in freezer and developed a monthly menu plan. After years of therapy she was even able to shuffle the 31 index cards of dinner recipes. You go girl!


Mama says she she is allergic to certain flowers.

A Memorable Impression

At some time we will all need the help of a medical professional whether it is for a routine check up or illness treatment. Doctors have so many patients to see that it is hard for them to keep track of each individual beyond information quickly entered in a chart. To ensure the best possible treatment for yourself, you should make sure doctor and his staff know exactly who you are every time you call or stop in. Here are some ideas that can help:

1. A typical office visit usually includes weighing you to track your overall body mass index (BMI). Before entering the waiting room, fill your pockets with about 10 pounds of fishing weights. They are small and easy to distribute in inconspicuous places. After the nurse weighs you and records your weight on your chart, grunt, grab your lower belly and run for the rest room. If possible, fake flatulent sounds over your shoulder.  Flush several times while you quickly remove the weights. Make occasional groaning and moaning sounds.  Drop weights in the trash can or toilet tank. Nobody ever looks in either place. 

When you come out wave your hand in front of your face for several seconds and say, "Phew, that's better, but I wouldn't let anybody in there for a while." Then step on the scale again. The nurse will be amazed. Adjust ass crack of clothing frequently throughout the remainder of the appointment.

2.  Exams include taking vital signs such as blood pressure. Before your appointment wrap 1 or 2 layers of bubble wrap around your upper arm beneath your sleeve. When the nurse pumps up the cuff and gets ready to place the stethoscope on your arm, flex your muscles to create a surprise sound.

3. The nurse will leave you alone in the room when she has finished taking your vital signs. Most examining rooms contain a jar of cotton balls.While you wait for the doctor, stuff several cotton balls between your teeth and cheeks inside your mouth. For a unique look, place more on one side than the other and some behind your lower and upper lips. Place a few grape Pop Rocks on your tongue to achieve a pleasant patina.

4. The doctor will look down your throat. While he is getting his flashlight thingy, fake a cough and slide cheapo Halloween vampire teeth over your upper chompers.

5. If you must pee in a cup, right before handing the sample to the nurse, empty in a couple packets of Splenda, a teaspoon of garlic powder and the rest of the grape Pop Rocks.  

 

Mama says, "Is it better to leave them guessing or just leave?"

Is There a Doctor in the House?

A visit to the doctor's office can be a stressful time when you aren't feeling well and worried about a health issue.One needs a pleasant atmosphere to mentally prepare for the face to face time with one's medical professional. Slowing down one's metabolism, mentally setting aside other issues and reviewing the list of questions one has for the doctor are all good ways to get into the spirit of the appointment. Just the other day I had to visit a new doctor.
Here is how the appointment went:


First, my GPS lied to me (again). I should have known that the alley it told me to turn down was not Tulip Blvd. But thinking perhaps it was a shortcut, I proceeded. I started to get a bit suspicious, however, when I got a text from the crack ho' walking along beside my car. Have you ever tried backing up at 40 mph?


Half an hour after my scheduled appointment time I finally found the correct address. Parking was a bear, so I ended up 4 blocks away and paid a kid leaning on a grocery cart $20 to keep an eye on my car. He got a bit snippy when I wouldn't give him my credit card number but I did let him make a copy of my license. Amazing how he hid that HP All-In-One under the junk in the cart. In exchange, I patted him down and tucked a couple baggies of hexagonal blue pills in my pocket as collateral. 


Holding my pepper spray in one hand I made my way unscathed to the medical building and looked up at the grimy windows. A scrawny cat slunk out of a nearby hedge and flapped its tail across my leg. The spot still itches.


I carefully negotiated the debris on the steps to find the door locked and a sign directing patients to the appropriate locations. It read:

Doctors Offices
Likker in the front
Poeker in the rear.

I went around back and climbed 3 rickety flights of stairs which were ok except for the urine smell and the stains on the walls. I took a Clorox wipe out of my bag and opened the office door.  


Nurse Surly sat behind a half open glass window munching a drumstick and sipping a beverage from a container in a small brown paper bag. The air reeked of Tabasco. As I approached she slid the food down, licked her fingers, and made the sign of the cross rapidly 5 times. 


"Youse late," she reprimanded, "Fill out dis here papers." She slapped a stack of greasy pages on the counter and slammed shut the glass window.

"May I have a pen?" I foolishly asked. "Never mind, I'll just prick my finger on one of the splinters in the railing outside. You'll need a blood sample anyow."

I turned to find a seat to begin my homework.  Only one seat was available in the yard sale reject chairs- between a "fragrant" older woman and a guy in coveralls. Against the other wall were two women in wheelchairs. As I began filling out the forms I overheard:


Wheelchair Woman 1 to Man in Coveralls: You from East Punty? *Squints*

Wheelchair Woman 2 to Wheel Chair Woman 1: He looks just like one of them Farkles, don't he? 


WC 1: I'd know that bobbing Adam's apple and tooth gap anywhere.

WC 2: And the Farkle cowlick says East Punty clearer than a Texaco map.


Coverall Guy: Yup- I'm Buster's kid. You must be Aheva and Porthena- my great grand step aunts from Cousin Sparkle's side. You know about her- Sparkle Farkle, the stewardess.


WC 2: I just knew it. He's got his Granpaw Lester's sideburns. Them apples don't fall far from the trees.


10 minutes later I was alone in the waiting room save for Chanel #5, now snoring gently with her head on my shoulder. Suddenly she snorted, shook her head and sat bolt upright. Gazing trustingly into my eyes she leaned closer and announced, "I have a rash on my ass."


Mama says," Be sure to get your annual physical."

An Unrapture Update

Breaking News Just In:

Harold Camping, Family Radio guru and failed predictor of May 21st's 6 PM religious rapture, offers no apologies for his prediction's non-happening. In an exclusive interview with this reporter, Camping instead outlined an explanation of the un-unfolded events and another future plan.

Mama: Rev. Camping what is your explanation for the unglorious unrapture?

HC: My science was faultless. Facts don't lie. The data was accurate based on  subjects and research.

Mama: What subjects and research did you use?

HC: I carbon dated my own DNA. I am 89 years old and sharp as a tack. I am the best subject since I have a direct connection to God.

Mama: I see. What computer program crunched all the numbers for you?

HC: I dusted off the Commodore 64. Most reliable machine ever built. No software glitches ever.

Mama: It still is working?

HC; Yup. I stockpiled a couple million punch cards back in 1971. Forewarned is forearmed.

Mama.; Very wise, HC. What did your results actually say?

HC.: After a couple hiccups the machine chucked out a punchcard with May 21, 2011 on it. I knew I had the answer.

Mama:  Have you rechecked the card just to verify information accuracy?

HC. Well, I did look at it again this morning in the light of day.  My eyes aren't quite as sharp as my 2 edged sword anymore. Hee hee.

Mama: What was on the card?

HC: Seems there may have been a couple ambiguities I didn't catch first time around.

Mama: Such as?

HC: Those punch cards were the same ones that caused the glitch in the Florida Presidential election results. I found a dangling chad along the date line. Under a microscope the date was really May 21, 20011. I missed a zero, but what the heck. It was only a place holder.

Mama: What will your followers do now?

HC: Beats me- I won't be here in 20011 so they can do whatever they want.

Mama: I heard rumors that you had a contingency plan.

HC: Actually, yes. I am going to quickly recoup all the money spent on advertising.

Mama: How so?

HC: I am selling an exclusive line of UnRapture merchandise at selected retail outlets. Mugs, Bible covers, and T Shirts.

Mama: Details, please.

HC: Marketing  projections are skyrocketing for the T shirts. They will be red and read, "The Devil Made Me Do It!" Below will be my picture next to Satan's in the classic American Gothic pose from the portrait. Instead of a farm implement we will be holding a pitchfork.

Mama: Where and when can they be purchased?

HC: We are targeting a wide marketing field through three popular outlets: Abercrombie & Fitch, Old Navy, and Family Dollar. Production has already started and they will be in stores for the Memorial Day sales. Buy directly through my website for bulk quantities and a 10% discount.

Mama: Very creative.

HC: The dough will be rolling in with plenty of time to start the campaign for the next predicted world demise in October. It is a win-win for me. And if that flops, too, we will tweak the products and mount a Christmas blitz.

Mama: Thanks for your time, however much of it you have remaining.

HC: Always for you, SugarLips.


Mama says apparently common sense ain't so common.

Creativity is the Key

Continuing with the independent financial needs of the 21st century female, I encourage you to use your imagination to develop business acumen.

As an example, I now give a free psychic reading to my first 25 blog readers per day. I'll walk you through the process so you can see how easy it is for you to make big bucks in your spare time.

Step 1. In the "Comments" section below, state your name, location and accurately type in your credit card number. Don't forget the 3 digit security code on the back. I take them all - Visa, MC, AmEx, Discover, Diner's Club. 

Step 2. If you have a webcam, place your palm a few inches away so I can see it. If you don't have a webcam, place your palm gently against your monitor. With my psychic skills, I can still see the essence of your being. Thanks. All set. Here we go. Hold on a sec- my phone's  ringing...

Hello?
Hi Willy, how's the honeymoon going?
Oh- sorry to hear that... is there a pharmacy nearby?
Well, let her sleep a couple hours- the cramps will go away in a bit, I'm sure.
Yes- I've got a couple minutes.
*Giggle* You and your dad sure are alike.
Yes, that feels so nice,  keep sliding your hand slowly, Mmmm...
So warm and wet, faster, now...
Ahhhhhhhh  EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  *Sigh*
WOW! You sure were ready.
What- a conference call- 7 PM, let me check the Blackberry ... sure- Harry and you and dad. OK- I gotta go. Tell her I hope she feels better soon. Tata.*Click*

Step 3. Sorry about the delay. Priority customer. You know how insistent they can be at times.
Now, for my psychic reading.

Hmmm.. I predict you will be a victim of identity theft. *Squint* Probably in the next couple hours. But not all is bad. You will feel relaxed and satisfied in other ways. That's all for now. Talk to you tomorrow.

Mama says whatever you engage in, do it safely.

Financial Independence Awaits

Twenty-first century women must become financially savvy. The goal of living by independent means is a must for any career minded female in this day and age. No more reliance on a MAN to support us and take care of all our needs.  Becoming "the little woman" is so last century. Donna Reed-your time capsule is calling...

So now we need to make a pile of dough fast to achieve fiscal nirvana ASAP. Here are a couple suggestions to consider:

1. Get involved with a guy who is already wealthy. This could save time and effort. A place to start is guys with titles. Your resume will shine when you are billed as "Duchess Deutschmark" or "Maharani Moola." The drawback is that some of these guys may be a little lean in the pocket, so make sure you first look them up on one of those websites that will research somebody's background. They also warn you about stalkers and insurance salesman.

Prince Ponzi could have hidden assets, though, so pat him down thoroughly every chance you get. He will think you are being touchy-feely romantic while you are actually checking his pockets for safe deposit box keys and flash drives.

Snoop around his penthouse, villa or castle, too. There may be a secret room or underground vault housing "missing" Picassos or Mayan artifacts. Follow tunnels. Diamond mines aren't always big. If you are caught, fake sleepwalking, blame it on one of those pills and then faint gracefully into his arms. 

Research is the key. Amazon.com has several book for sale about dating high net worth men. It must be working. One best seller has only 3 copies left.  

2. Outer space is waiting to be exploited. Who knows what treasures are orbiting right next door. Claim a couple asteroids. The rings around Saturn are bound to contain some great stuff that will sell high on the futures market. I'd go for the blue and green ones. Calming colors will defray competition.

3. Don't neglect your own back yard. Erect an oil well. If the neighbors complain, disguise it as a rock climbing wall and tell them you are on a fitness kick.

4. Going green is becoming popular. Get in on the sustainability and environmentally friendly track. You can reuse or re-purpose almost anything. Many of us are caring for an older parent or close relative. They can be quite beneficial in helping you amass wealth. Put them to work in a comfortable, non threatening setting doing what they do best- sitting around. Promote them as available for appearances at conferences, conventions, public gatherings, festivals, openings, exhibitions, etc. 

Set up a replica of the Cleaver living room. Include shag carpeting, orange and turquoise accents and a mannequin holding a bowl of popcorn or whatever marketing item goes with the appearance. (Leave it to Beaver shows are archived online or endlessly rerun on some TV channels.) Place Grandpa in a Barcolounger with the Wall Street Journal, Field and Stream, or Old Codger Monthly. Keep relevant snacks and beverages prominently displayed. Surround him with 1960's plaid sofas, play Perry Como LP's softly in the background. No special wardrobe is needed since his clothing is already period.

Create a museum quality sign labeling it as a look at vintage life. Title it something like "Retro Meditation". You can almost call it a "happening" although not much will be happening except dozing and an occasional snore. 

For shorter, less complicated appearances, adorn him with a fake bead and hat and place him near some greenery as a lawn ornament. Performance art attracts those elitists who have big bucks.

Charge a six figure fee per hour. In no time you will be hearing the ca-ching of cash in your bank account. Soon you will be on your way to financial security and in charge of your own conglomerate. You can send my 35% development fee to my Swiss account. I'll fax you the numbers.

Make sure you wash your hands thoroughly after counting all the miscellaneous bills and coins. Mama says they are a hotbed of germs.

Become Financially Savvy

The experts tell us the economy is starting to recover. Whether we believe them or not it is prudent to increase our knowledge about financial matters. After all, knowledge is power. So unless we are an under the doghouse or in he mattress saver we need to be sure we understand as much as we can to make prudent investment choices.

The other day I was challenged to go to my financial institute's website and read about a topic that would improve my fiscal brain power. The choices were overwhelming- I guess they have a lot to tell us.  Here are a couple paragraphs forwarded from a friend and a translation of what they really mean:

Paragraph 1

"We can offer you a personalized financial strategy, not a generic investment program. Your individual portfolio will be based on your unique situation, your attitudes, preferences and goals. It will be designed to account for change, both in the market and in your circumstances, so that it can work with you and for you at every stage of your life." 
Translation:
We know you have no idea what your financial picture looks like, what the word "portfolio" even means, and that you have little time to pay attention to and understand the markets, but we'll take your money anyway and use a lot of fancy words to tell you we're going to try our best to make money off of you while making you feel good about it.




Paragraph 2

Our approach to investing is straightforward: we focus on becoming your partner in building the future you desire. As we work together, our advisors will thoroughly explain the investment strategies recommended, so that you'll be fully comfortable with all aspects of your investment program. Every decision we make will be focused on achieving the results you want. Our mission is to help our clients achieve financial independence through professional advice, sound risk management, quality investment products, and personal, efficient service.

Translation:

Our approach is to obscure the process in a way that provides maximum confusion causing you to ignore your portfolio, allowing us to maximize our profits by charging you a small fee to do so. But don't worry, we'll send you an even more confusing report once in a while, just to make you feel good. Since you're a "results" person, our loan officers are standing by to pile on a mountain of debt so you can buy all the "stuff" you don't need and can't afford. Because we care about YOU. 

Thanks, Jeremy. Here is a little something for all your hard work in cleaning the mud puddle. Mama says to wipe your feet before you come in.

The Electronic Cat

Welcome to my new blog.  One of my areas of interest is cats. I write about  all things cat for an online newspaper and have a couple guest blogs in cyberspace. While not limiting my options to cats alone, my writing will often encompass animal advocacy issues and almost always humor in some way.  So here is a repost of an earlier article about unusual animal traits. Enjoy!

There are several unusual types of cats and you may be the fortunate owner of one. This is not a discussion of a breed, but a behavior. All cats are unique in their individual "catness"; all share some similar personality traits. Beyond that, some have quirks and behaviors that make them quite different.

The Electronic Cat

This cat type needs to roost near or on some device that is connected to electricity. They are drawn to ohms and watts like, well, a cat to a mouse. A cat sense allows them to deduce the location and placement of small, electronic devices you own. Occasionally they will allow you access to these devices, but don't count on it.

The first device is the TV remote. Don't think about changing your channel- ever- when your cat is on the remote. Kitty will choose the channel and the program. She will also adjust the volume, select your favorite channels and set the timer. All this with just a purr and a flick of the tail.You are just out of luck. Consider your TV time an alternate entertainment zone. Reading a book could be a substitute for the TV, but Kitty will sit on it, too.

Don't even try to find the remote under the cat. Sliding one's hand under the Electronic Cat could be hazardous to your health. Be sure you have bandages and antiseptic handy just in case a momentary mental lapse occurs.

The Electronic Cat's second favorite device is the telephone. Often Kitty will lie next to the phone on the arm of the sofa. Kitty will make sure she is between you and the phone. Kitty will also double in size and become one with the sofa arm. When the phone rings, Kitty automatically adjusts her location to place all of her body between you and the handset. You will never be able to answer the call and Voicemail will become your best friend.

Kitty is equally adept at inhibiting cell phone connections. She instinctively knows where your cell is located in your clothing and will lie on that part of you. She will gain 20 pounds instantly when your cell rings so you can never reach into your pocket.  She can disconnect a caller with a whisker twitch, then  brazenly give you the Innocent Me stare.

Rounding out the top three is the computer. Keyboards enable cats to blog and network. Your busily typing fingers are irrelevant if it is Kitty's time to post or tweet. Cats have short deadlines with nap time always imminent. Laptops are self contained cat toys making an all-in-one entertainment center readily available. After all, the adjacent keyboard and mouse  cut down on that unnecessary moving around from component to component. And a mouse is a mouse.

So if you own an Electronic cat, you can plug into their antics. These kitties are special and powerful additions to your world.