Doughnuts and Muffins

Earline and Mama are having lunch together. Earline is buying:

Earline: (Smiles at Mama) Is your salad good?

Mama (Nods): Yes. The kitchen staff here always makes good meals. The head chef knows I eat here often and that I sign his paycheck.  

Earline: Isn’t that a bit unfair?

Mama: Not really. He is just excellent at his craft and I enjoy what he cooks. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. But enough of that.  What is on your mind, Earline?

Earline: I just want to thank you for the great advice you gave me a while ago.

Mama: To which pearl of wisdom are you referring?

Earline: Huh? Oh- I guess you mean what advice. Well, the one about how to get people to do what you want. I have been practicing and it is working out very well. I could never have figured all that out and your sharing it has helped me so much.

Mama: How so?

Earline: I have an A in Chemistry due to all the help my classmates have given me. All I had to do was be nice and friendly and give them some swimming pointers. They are so smart in science.

Mama: I am glad. So now that you have covered 1-4 with me, just what is your 5?

Earline: Well, it is personal again.

Mama: I am not surprised. But your candor is refreshing.

Earline: OK- so even though you are so old, er… mature now, I guess you were young once. You and Mr. Muscles had to meet sometime. I want to know um… I guess you love him even though the thought of old people doing… *cough cough*

Mama: Doughnuts and Muffins

Earline: Huh? You want dessert but you still have salad.

Mama: No, my little twit, men are either doughnuts or muffins.

Earline: I don’t get it. Are you getting that old lady disease?

Mama: No, Earline. Author Jennifer Crusie equates men to doughnuts or muffins. She says that doughnuts are the men who make you drool. They are gorgeous and crispy and covered in yummy icing and you see one and you have to have it, and if you don’t get it, you think about it all day and then go back to get it because it is a doughnut.

Earline: Mmm… I know about that. The real doughnut icing, I mean.

Mama: Earline- Snap out of the imaginary sugar high and focus.

Earline: OK  *Sigh*. Doughnut make us drool.

Mama: And at first sight muffins sit there all lumpy and they look alike and have no icing. While your favorite muffin is excellent, it is no doughnut.

Earline: So doughnuts are good.

Mama:  Well, for one night. But the next morning they aren’t crisp anymore, and the icing is stuck all to the bag, and they have watery stuff all over them, and they are icky and awful. You can’t keep a doughnut overnight.

Earline: But a muffin is better the next day??

Mama: Muffins are for the long haul and always taste good. They may not have the gotta-have-it-now thing the doughnuts do but you still want them the next morning. *Smiles to herself*

Earline: They taste even better and they are more appealing and you know they are better in the long run.

Mama: Exactly. They become seasoned. But beware! There are doughnuts pretending to be muffins. And muffins pretending to be doughnuts. The trick is to discern the muffin you want from the bag and even if it is a bit doughnut like you can still enjoy the frosting and the sprinkles knowing the underlying muffin value.

Earline: I think I get it. But I gotta think some more. Then go to the bakery.

Mama: Earline, be very cautious. I don’t want you to make a decision you will later deeply regret. 

Earline: (Smiling) Can you trust me this time? I am growing up and this responsibility thing is ok in bits and pieces.   

Mama: I will give you that. (Pats her hand) Now I must go. Thank you for the lunch and food for thought.

Earline: Food for thought. That’s good. Now I need to think about doughnuts and muffins.

Mama strolls through the park for a few minutes contemplating recent events.  Sitting on a bench she composes two lengthy texts. After sending them she looks up idly to see an oblivious Earline heading down another path with a bakery box in her hand.

Basic Salesmanship

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in…

Earline enters office.

Earline: Hi. (wringing hands) Can I talk to you?

Mama: (Puts down paperwork and gets up) Of course, dear. Come sit here on the sofa with me. You seem a bit upset. 

Earline: Um.. I… well…(They sit)

Mama: Now, I hope this isn’t about the kitchen. That is long in the past. But you haven’t been cooking any more, have you?

Earline: No. (Takes a deep breath) Here’s my question. Um… You meet with a lot of people and come out of meetings smiling. You must have good meetings.

Mama: I usually achieve the goal I set when I hold a meeting, yes. But that wasn’t a question.

Earline: I guess I am trying to ask about how to get people to do what you want them to. You seem pretty good at it.

Mama: Earline- Are you thinking of starting a business? You have enough going on right now, I believe.

Earline: No- this is personal.

Mama: Oh. I see. Well… First, remember that you can never make anyone do anything voluntarily and successfully that they already don’t have a glimmering of a mindset to do.

Earline: Huh?

Mama: You can force someone at times to accomplish something, but there will be no pride or internal sense of accomplishment to it. It will become a sticking point and close doors. 

Earline: OK. But is there a plan?

Mama: My friend, author Jennifer Crusie humorously spoke to this exact topic in her book Faking It.

Earline: Wait- I gotta take notes.

Mama: No- just memorize it. Never write this down. 

Earline: OK. More work, but this will be worth it. Go.

Mama: You need to approach people the right way. Think more about the other person than yourself. It is a sales pitch. Plan, plan, plan. Then, execute the plan in five steps:

First- Make the person smile.

Earline: How?

Mama: Smile at him. Most people smile back. Once someone smiles, they relax.

Earline. OK. 1. Smile.

Mama: Second- get him to say yes. To anything. Once someone says yes, it is likely he will repeat it. It establishes a pattern. Subsequently, talking with you equates to “yes”.

Earline: OK 1. Smile. 2. Yes.

Mama: Third- make him feel superior. It increases confidence and he will get careless. 

Earline: How?

Mama: Ask him a question he can easily answer. He’ll feel smarter. But not a guy-smart, girl-dumb question. You are creating a false sense of security with your sales pitch. This is serious business, but the mark, er, prospective customer doesn’t realize you, as a female, hold all the cards.

Earline: So 1. Smile. 2. Yes. 3. Superior.

Mama: On four you give him something. Perhaps a compliment, but sound sincere. A compliment goes a long way. Maybe something tangible, depending on the setting. You need to make him think he is way ahead in this meeting. And keep him smiling and nodding.

Earline: Sounds confusing but I will try. 1. Smile. 2. Yes, 3. Superior. 4. Give. 

Mama: Then you move in to close the deal. Ask for what you want but make him think you are doing him a favor by taking it. Be concrete but don’t push it. 

Earline: Like close and lock the door. But gently.

Mama: Somewhat. Go incrementally. Start with something small and with success increase the stakes over time. It builds trust and a sense of ease. People will let their guard down and your job can become easier. But never forget that you are working here. It isn’t a game. You are selling a product or item and you need to make it desirable and irresistible. Don’t lose sight of what you want. And practice, practice, practice.

Earline: OK 1. Smile. 2. Yes. 3. Superior. 4. Give. 5. Ask/take.

Mama: I think you have it. In theory. (Sighs)

Earline: (Looking up at Mama with a sniff) I appreciate this. 

Mama: (slight smile and nod); I know you do.

Earline: Since I don’t have a biological family I depend on you and Mr. Muscles for so much. 

Mama: I know you do. (Pats her hand)

Earline: You have helped me so much.

Mama: This is true, but stop practicing on me. I saw through 3 and 4 when you tried 1 and 2 with those big eyes. Now off with you and go pester your friends.

*Earline exits*

Mr. Muscles: (entering from another door) Should we call Zebrudus and warn him?

Mama: And spoil the fun? I think not. He can handle her. It works two ways. Let those games begin.

Mr. Muscles: *Nods* Yes. The girl is growing up.

Mama: Thank goodness. I had my doubts at times. Did you?

Mr. Muscles: Never. I have no doubts about you, either. (Nuzzling her neck).

Mama: You are right as usual. (Locking office door) I doubt I will get this paperwork finished any time soon. Can you help me?

Mr. Muscles: Of course- in about an hour or so.

*Paperwork flies off desk mysteriously as Mama giggles.*

Earline Learns to Cook…

Mr. Muscles (stepping out of shower and wrapping towel around himself): Now that was an interesting experience. I never thought soot had so many forms.

Mama (stepping out of shower and letting Mr. Muscles wrap her in a towel): Whatever possessed that girl to experiment in the kitchen without proper supervision? Out of the water she is a disaster.

Mr. Muscles: She was babbling earlier but it was a bit incoherent. We should go talk with her now that the fire trucks have left. I think the EMT’s cleared her of smoke inhalation effects after oxygen therapy.

Mama: A shame we have to dress again. I can think of a more useful and pleasurable activity considering our state of dishabille.

Mr. Muscles: Only one?

Mama: At a time…

Twenty minutes later:

Earline: I thought that since I am in college, I should become more independent.

Mama: A laudable idea but you have never cooked anything, have you?

Earline: No, but I can boil water in a microwave. You just push the button that says, “Boil water”

Mr. Muscles: That’s fine for Ramen or tea, as long as you remember the water, but just because you have a kitchen in your suite with some other swimmers, it doesn’t automatically imbue you with culinary prowess.

Mama: Exactly what happened, Earline?

Earline: Well, most of the recipes from those online cooking sites take so long to make. I thought a few shortcuts would speed things along.

Mama: Such as?

Earline: Well, I found everything in the pantry I needed. It took a while. That place is huge.

Mr. Muscles: Yes, we designed the communal dining area kitchens with the latest in equipment and supplies to help the chefs personalize meals for optimal athletic output. It is part of the Muscles, Inc. Sports Science Program. Perhaps you should consider taking a basic physiology class next semester.

Earline: Is Dr. Z going to be teaching again? It’s enough that I have to listen to him for Chemistry.

Mama: I thought you liked him.

Earline: As a person, he is dreamy. As a teacher, he is harsh. He makes us do work.

Mama: And…

Earline: So I thought that to speed up dinner, instead of 325 degrees for 60 minutes, I could turn up the oven to 650 degrees for 30 minutes. I was going to try 1300 degrees for 15 minutes but it didn’t go that high. Then I got a call and we were talking about the Chemistry lab and I forgot to check the oven and then everything was spewing smoke and the fire alarm went off and I forgot where the door was. So it is really Zebrudus’ fault for distracting me with so much lab work and I am tired and want to cry.

Mama: It is past now. Nobody was injured and the kitchen can be cleaned quickly. The North Punty Fire Department arrived within 3 minutes and all will be fine in a few days. 

Mr. Muscles: Zebrudus is not at fault. You need to organize your time better and prioritize your needs. 

Mama: Perhaps some cooking lessons for many of you would be in order. I believe Anne Burrell may have a few weeks’ break in her TV schedule. I will call her tomorrow. But if you think Zebrudus is a tough taskmaster, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Earline: I am sorry. I will try harder.

Mama: You will not just try, you will do exactly as you are told.

Earline: Yes, ma’am.

Mama: Now off with you.

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in.

Zebrudus: Come, Earline. Perhaps a nice massage will be helpful.

Earline (Blushing): Um… I… Oh hell- ok. I mean- is it ok?

Mama: Consider it a private tutoring experience. You may wish to share your analysis of his teaching style.

(They exit)

Mr. Muscles: Now where were we before all this?

Mama: Considering kitchen activities?

Mr. Muscles (taking her hand and heading up the stairs):  Dessert, m’dear?

Mama (peering into shopping bag): Whipped cream- check; chocolate syrup- check; strawberries- check.

Mr. Muscles: Champagne chilling in ice bucket- check. Now where are the plates?

Mama: (pulling of his shirt and pushing him backward onto the bed): Plates? *Giggle*

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 5

Personal issues? Nah- solved!

19. Collection of personal pleasure items. Let’s face it, ladies - Sometimes those intimate date nights just don’t turn out as satisfying as one expects even with the paperwork and investigation and vetting ahead of time. Your idea of kinky doesn’t always gel with his (or hers). Sometimes you feel like getting all dolled up and gliding into the routine of “date”; other times the need is urgent but time is short or you may just want to fly solo. It’s okay that “Product” trumps “Process” sometimes. After all, that’s the way most men think and often act. But in the end Mick Jagger was wrong. Modern women easily bypass “but I try and I try and I try”. We get Satisfaction.

20.Your own Zip Code. Junk mail? Annoying letters and solicitations from unwanted businesses and vendors? Your own zip or postal code is the answer. Some addresses already have them such as the United Nations in NYC. Don’t think it isn’t possible. There are plenty of unused number and/or letter combinations available. The U.S. Postal Service is so far in debt that a modest contribution is sure to seal the deal. 

You can control snail mail you want to receive, and give out your Zip only to businesses you want to receive deliveries from such as florists, jewelers, and some “specialty” shoppes. They will be quite motivated not to share your personal information considering your deliveries from “admirers” account for a considerable part of their revenue. Make sure the trusted vendor list is included in the goody bag you hand out after every satisfying date. 

21. Competent medical specialists. One never knows when an unforeseen medical issue may arise or you may need to refer a friend to a discreet physician for care. Most doctors are professional and will not discuss any clients but you want ones whom you feel are trustworthy. A trustworthy name helps a patient feel confident in their doctor’s level of competence. Choose a physician or specialist who inspires confidence. Doctor names to avoid include:

Primary Care: Dr. Quack, Dr. Bookem (esp. if his first name is Danno)

ENT: Dr. Finger, Dr. M. Ucus, Dr. E.R. Drum

Urologist: Dr. Leakey, Dr. K. Stone

OB/GYN: Dr. Rammin Jinn, Dr. Krab

Dentist: Dr. Dee. Kay, Dr. Whir

Pain Management: Dr. Kervorkian

Psychiatrist: Dr. F. Royd, Dr. Sy Kotropic

22.A phony persona. This is a must for all dating sites, business cards, online listings, “reply to” ads and other communicative venues. Set up at least one or two fake people you can easily pull out of your brain in a second, especially after a couple drinks. Practice conversations ahead of time so you can lie convincingly and without hesitation. This can be quite useful if you receive unwanted attention from an undesirable male:

Him: Hi Sweetcheeks- Ain’t you just the cutest thang here. What’s yer name?

You: Sweet Cheeks.

Him *wrinkling brow*: oh- har har. You had me goin’ there for a second. What’s yer real name?

You: Lulu. Lulu Fartsnapple.

Him: I’m Buster. Buster Chops.

You: I’m sure you are. Is that your job?

Him: Nah. I’m in the Rodeo.

You: I never would have guessed. Is that why both your eyes are on the same side of your face?

Him: Really? They are? Lemme buy you a drink. Whatcher havin’?

You: The Snake Oil Special listed up on the board.

Him: Never seen that one before. $34?  Must be powerful stuff. Be right back.

(Returns with beverage before you can escape through the crowd).

You : * sipping* So what is your speciality in the rodeo- clown?

Him: Bull. Riding, Miz Lulu. But I wouldn’t mind practicing some Ropin’ with you.

You: (Dumping cocktail down front of his pants) Oops. Well, my job is orchard manager. In your case I see two over ripe fruit hanging off a tiny withered branch. I’ll just get my pruners.

Him: Time for me to vamoose.

You: Don’t let the barn doors whack you into the manure pile.