A Recipe for Bacon

A Recipe for Bacon

Yesterday I was served another of the worst lunches of my life at a restaurant I have been going to for over 10 years. 

I say “served” because I couldn’t choke down enough of it to say I had eaten it.

First, let me say that I have the extraordinary gift of Restaurant Bad Luck. It has followed me across every state I have lived in, visited, or worked in, and every major city I have eaten in. It doesn’t crop up in the fast food drive thru lane ever, just in sit down chain restaurants, stand-alone specialty places, and even starred establishments in major cities.

I once had a waiter in NYC chase me down the street when I did not leave a tip after he spilled coffee all over my coat. I have had waiters drop knives between my glasses and face while removing dishes from the table, found bugs in beverages, and been served countless inaccurate orders. 

Yesterday I had to ask for “ice water, no lemon” three times before they got it right. Is this difficult, even though Brain Dead Server 1 wrote it down? I had high hopes of order accuracy since it was penned on paper.  If in doubt there is even a "how to" on a website available for reference.

After 15 minutes with no water, I asked Brain Dead Server 2 for “ice water, no lemon” since Brain Dead Server 1 apparently had left the building. BDS2 disappeared and after 10 more minutes BDS1 reappeared with “ice water with lemon.” 

I told BDS1 that I did not want lemon in my ice water, check your order pad, please. “Well, the other girl fixed it,” I was told. Yeah, but 2 brain deads added together do not make one brain alive. She was the one serving me, so in the interest of order accuracy and customer satisfaction one would think checking the glass would be common sense. Um… NO.

Hopes for the remainder of my meal teetered precariously on the fence, but I held on. Finally, my sandwich arrived. “Jack Daniels Chicken Sandwich” sounded like an appealing menu item, but the reality wasn’t. The chicken was still pink in the middle (I have learned to cut sandwiches and inspect the inside before taking a bite), the lettuce was a white chunk of iceberg that was dying an early death, and the bacon was almost raw, apparently having declined the dance with the grill. 

I asked to speak to the manager. 

“Hi there,” said the dissipated version of Pee Wee Herman 20 years later. “Is there a problem?

“No,” I thought in my mind, “I’m desperate for a date.” I actually said, “The bun is stale, the lettuce has less flavor than the napkin and is whiter than cabbage in the 8 inches of new snow, and the bacon is raw. Would YOU eat this?” 

PWH: Corporate policy is iceberg lettuce on sandwiches and we follow the corporate recipe for bacon.

Me: There is a recipe for bacon? Let me guess. Place on grill regardless of temperature, and when allotted time is up, place on sandwich whether it is cooked or not. Is your food cooked by robots or humans? Can’t they look at bacon and see that it is still raw?

PWH: We follow the corporate recipe. 

Me: But there are real people in the kitchen, aren't there?

PWH: We are told to follow the corporate recipe.

Me: How about the corporate recipe for “ice water, no lemon?” 

Note to restaurant servers: TIP means “To insure promptness.” A tip is not an entitlement just because you showed up to work today. If an order is not accurate, and prompt to the customer’s time requirements, then you are at fault. You are the buffer between the kitchen and the table. You write down the order

and are responsible for its terminal condition before it is placed before the customer.  If something is inaccurate, go back to the kitchen or manager and tell them. If they care, they will fix it. If not, get a different job.

Patrons keep a business solvent. Perhaps the majority of patrons in restaurants are satisfied with mediocrity, but expecting and meeting high standards is what keeps businesses thriving. I am eating out much less as time passes, and sadly, I have eliminated another neighborhood establishment from my repertoire. At home I can assure quality control in food freshness, cooking accuracy, healthy eating, and more. My life is worth it.

Next: Hot tea with honey?

New Year’s Resolutions

The beginning of a new calendar year is here. 

In the great passage of time it is really a meaningless blip on the universe’s radar. To many humans it is a time of again trying to start over from an arbitrary marker on the path to self-improvement. Most New Year’s Resolutions fade away rapidly into oblivion and disappear mercifully. Others go out in a blaze of short lived embarrassment. 

Why resolutions fail

Resolutions fail largely because of their name. A “resolution” is a “formal intention of resolve”. Who are we kidding here? Most people can’t do anything formal, and most human intentions are mired in the miasma of self-servitude. To be “resolute” implies a stiffness, and conjures images of matronly, freeze dried nuns patrolling classroom aisles with rulers poised to thwack indolent fingers. 

Resolute is a resignation to failure. One is resolved, or given over to the Dark Side of failure before one has even started. It is being condemned to sinking before the ship is launched, a Titanic size hole already gashed into the vessel’s hull with no lifeboats or shout outs on board. No Scotty to beam one up :-(

Black is failure, white is success in the world of self-imposed resolutions. We judge ourselves by comparing our inevitable weaknesses to an unachievable standard with the white bar set so high it cannot be reached. In reality the world is grey, a million shades of gray, but none are pure white. The one white soul was born December 25 and His work is in progress. 

Grey is Okay

Instead of resigning oneself to predisposed failure, one should expect at least 365 shades of grey. Latitude for actions attempted daily is a human quality that is normal and inescapable. We need to go easy on ourselves for being what we are- human and flawed. Just as it is in the makeup of a fish to swim or a plant to seek light, humans are going to miss achieving perfection in the human world. But just as inevitably as the fish keeps swimming, and the plant keeps growing upward, humans keep trying even though they will not reach a state of achieved perfection. The trick is to realize where in the grey in okay.

Expectations

So instead of making resolutions we know we will fail to achieve, for 2014 let’s all create expectations we have a good chance of reaching. Excluded are autonomic functions like breathing and making our heart beat. New Year’s Expectations are small steps along a longer path. Included in achieving each expectation are pats on the back and forgiveness for backsliding. Every day can’t be better than every previous one. Shit happens. We get sick, circumstances descend on us that are out of our control, like a pipe bursts or the car battery dies or we trip over the dog and sprain a wrist.

But we can learn to recognize that we have done something positive we hoped to do that day, or that just appeared unbidden. Like writing a chapter in the novel we are working on, or paying bills that were due today without forgetting. Like looking out the window, seeing the older neighbor struggling to shovel the walk and putting on our coat and helping because it is the right thing to do. 

Deciding to take a positive action is a huge expectation achieved. Some days we may actually take the step and pat ourselves gently on the back because we did it. Some days we may not take the action we want to because we are human. Then we take the action of forgiving ourselves for being human, and that is achieving the expectation from a different perspective. Some days we end up in the light grey, some days in the darker gray, but grey is okay.

Tomorrow is another opportunity to expect a great grey day. And the more we look forward to expecting to achieve something realistic on a gray day the more we are okay. And that is an expectation that is more white than grey. And okay.

A problem with the traditional Christmas Story

How really wise were the Wise Men? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be wandering around in the Middle East carrying fancy looking containers full of gold, frankincense and myrrh. That’s a problem waiting to happen, no matter how big and well-armed your retinue is. The goodies would be better spent feeding the camels and lackeys.

Lackey: Oh Wise Ones, lunch will be delayed a bit. We have to send somebody into that town over there for some olive oil, parsley, and thyme. Due to the haboob last week, we lost a couple traveling days hunkering down in those caves, and supplies are short. Can I have an advance on next week’s food budget? Here’s your box of gold, oh Kings from Afar.

WM 1: Sure, Lackey, but don’t spend it all in one place. We still need to pay someone to do the laundry. Hunkering down in a cave with camels

for two days put a strain on the wardrobe. 

WM 2: Plus we need to find an inn pretty soon. The tents are full of drifting sand. They need a thorough cleaning up and some repair. We really can’t use them as is.

Lackey: All the inns here are full. There is a census going on and people from near and far have come back to their ancestral home town. It’s like a huge family reunion. 

WM 3: And what was I hearing all last night? It sounded like singing. Was there a concert we missed?

Lackey: No, Oh Exalted Magi. It was Angels from On High.

WM 3: I’ve never heard of them. Are they a group from around here?

Lackey: I don’t believe their home base is in this area. They rarely make a local appearance. 

WM 2: Well, they sounded great, and the lighting effect from that star hovering overhead set off their gossamer wings to the best advantage. 

WM 1: Well, let’s go into town and see what’s up.  (They set off to town.)

A while later:

WM 2: This place is packed. At least we managed to get provisions. After lunch, we better head into the next town down the road. The innkeeper said there’s a Hilton Garden there. The oasis is pretty big, and they have great facilities for the camels. 

WM 1: I’m glad we stopped at the stable to find out that information. Best of all we found that couple with the baby boy. He’s a very special lad. I predict He’ll do great things.

WM 3: He did have a way about him, even for a newborn. Giving Mom and Dad the rest of the gold 

we brought into town today should help them out with baby expenses. And applying some frankincense 

and myrrh 

mixed up with a little olive oil is great for curing diaper rash. It makes an effective poultice, too, in case He gets asthma or a cold. 

Lackey: If your Eminences are ready, we can depart forthwith. I suggest we return home by a different route. 


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