More information about sounds and the human body than you want to know

I couldn’t sleep the other night, so I went downstairs to read for a bit. Reading in bed wasn’t helping my eyes close, so I thought a change of setting would work. My tummy was upset so I popped open a 7 Up and snuggled under my cozy blanket on the couch with book in hand. I rarely drink soda, and if I do, 7 Up is the go-to choice. The effervescent bubbles quickly send tummy problems upward with unladylike belches that rattle the walls.

I took a sip and held it in my mouth for a second before swallowing. Suddenly I heard the toilet flushing. Who else was here? Was one of the cats practicing a new skill? I swallowed and cocked an ear, only to hear nothing. Weird, but maybe I was imagining something in my half-conscious state. I took a second swig and heard the toilet again. Hmmm… 

After a couple more mouthfuls, I came to the conclusion that when 7 Up is gently swirled in the mouth, it sounds like toilet water

gurgling into the mysterious dark depths of the underworld. I probably won’t pass this advertising revelation on to the 7 Up parent company, Dr Pepper Snapple Group, Inc., but I was soon tummy-happy and headed back to bed.

Many sound loving Americans are quite patriotic. Every kid knows how to make annoying squeaking sounds on school hallway floors with their sneakers. One enterprising and talented young man I once taught combined this creative talent with his obvious love of country. He rushed into my classroom one day.

“Ms. M- you gotta come here, quick,” he burst out.

Thinking there was an emergency; I grabbed my keys and class list and headed after him. 

He stood in the hall, foot poised, “Listen!” he commanded.

In a series of stutter steps, toe swirls, twists, heel wiggles, full circle turns, and stomps, the young man rendered a squealing, squeaking and hauntingly accurate performance of “The Star Spangled Banner.” 

Amidst the gathering crowd he finished and bowed to applause. He spent several hours afterward cleaning scuff marks off the linoleum.

In perhaps one of the more unusual public displays of patriotism, I recall a scene from a short entry at an underground film festival. Today this would have generated a million hits on Youtube, but back in the ancient times of audio-visual capture, primitive displays of performance art had different means of gaining an audience.

In the clip, the cinematographer was strolling down a beach amid buxom beauties and muscled jocks asking them if they had any particular talent he could record. After endless moons, flashes and wiggle/jiggle scenes, he centered on one average young man who said he had a talent the producer probably had never seen before. 

Up to the challenge, producer gave him the go ahead.

The kid dropped his bathing suit, lay on his back with knees tight to chest, and aimed his naked posterior at the camera.

 He then performed the flatulent version of “The Star Spangled Banner”, rendered with realistic close ups by the creative camera operator. Corporate material? I bet he owns a multi squillion dollar business today.

Why are American students so dumb?

This post is from an article I wrote for Examiner.com. I cover education and other toics, listed below. Please share it with friends, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

American students do not place in the top 10  compared to the rest of the world. American kids rank about 23^rd in math, 14^th in reading, and 17^th in science, according to 2010 statistics. Why are American kids such lousy students? A New York Times Editorial (and this writer) suggest the reasons below.

The top performing students now come primarily from Asia, Scandinavia, and Europe. In general, these countries took a cold, hard look at education after the devastation of World War II. Their infrastructure, industry, earning potential, and land had been largely destroyed by the war, and a few wise individuals foresaw the path needed for a future century. 

While the American government helped returning GI’s buy houses, get some education, get jobs, and support families in the short run, they failed to ensure that, in the long run, the baby boomers’ children and grandchildren would be educated to compete in a future world. US education focused on sorting and selecting sheep and goats through the SAT process, an outmoded dinosaur still used in today’s nontraditional higher education world.  

Education “experts” pushed inquiring minds into preselected career pathways by gender (guys had the brains for engineering, corporate control, and “good old boy” industry that would allow politics and wealth to play nice together), while girls were only smart enough to become teachers, nurses and librarians, and of course, stay home and have babies. Now, over 70 years and two generations later, American education is waking up to the fact that females have brains and pushing STEM education.

No lessons were apparently learned from thousands of years ofhistory, when men were away at war applying their own sorting and selecting process, and women were back home running successful for-profit corporations composed of fiefdoms, plantations, cities, kingdoms, and countries, while also raising families. 

What are other countries doing?

Teacher training

Forward thinking counyeies took steps to ensure their citizens’ future security in the modern world with cutting edge knowledge and skills.  The US had no direct continental land or industry destruction through WW II bombings (Pearl Harbor the exception), and perhaps false pride or lack of imagination took the place of nationalism, stubborn resistance, and underdog scrappiness other countries employed to rebuild better than before. 

Eliminating the favoritism of wealth bias is one big step Finland takes. Finns first began to consider creating comprehensive schools that would provide a quality, high-level education for poor and wealthy alike. These schools stand out in several ways, providing daily hot meals; health and dental services; psychological counseling; and an array of services for families and children in need. None of the services are means tested. Moreover, all high school students must take one of the most rigorous required curriculums in the world, including physics, chemistry, biology, philosophy, music and at least two foreign languages.

But the most important effort has been in the training of teachers. In 1979 the country decided to move preparation out of teachers’ colleges and into the universities, where it became more rigorous. By professionalizing the teacher corps and raising its value in society, the Finns have made teaching the country’s most popular occupation for the young. These programs recruit from the top quarter of the graduating high school class, demonstrating that such training has a prestige lacking in the United States.

In the US, low entry standards for teacher training programs ensure dumbing down of education by placing teachers in classrooms who have been held to standards so low, one could step over the bar, not reach for it. I have scored teacher candidate essays for many years and can attest to lack of skills in GUM (grammar, usage, and mechanics) that should have been drilled into elementary students’ minds. Teachers can’t write, so they can’t teach kids to write. Admissionrequirements for teaching programs at the State University of New York were raised in September, but only a handful of other states have taken similar steps.

Funding equity

Canadian education differs strikingly from American programs in funding methods. American school districts rely far too heavily on property taxes, which means districts in wealthy areas bring in more money than those in poor ones. State tax money to make up the gap usually falls far short of the need in districts where poverty and other challenges are greatest.

Three of Canada’s largest and best-performing provinces — Alberta, British Columbia and Ontario — have each addressed the inequity issue by moving to province-level funding formulas. As a recent report by the Center for American Progress notes, these formulas allow the provinces to determine how much money each district will receive, based on each district’s size and needs. The systems even out the tax base and help ensure that resources are distributed equitably, not clustered in wealthy districts. It is working, while American school districts trap urban kids in “concentrated student poverty.”

Eliminating elitism

China’s educational system was largely destroyed during Mao Zedong’s “cultural revolution,” which devalued intellectual pursuits and demonized academics. Since his 1976 death the country has been rebuilding its education system at lightning speed. The flagship site is Shanghai, where its students were first in the world in math, science and literacy on last year’s international exams.

One of its strengths is that the city has mainly moved away from an elitist system in which greater resources and elite instructors were given to favored schools, and toward a more egalitarian, neighborhood attendance system in which students of diverse backgrounds and abilities are educated under the same roof. The city has focused on bringing the once-shunned children of migrant workers into the school system. In the words of the O.E.C.D, Shanghai has embraced the notion that migrant children are also “our children” — meaning that city’s future depends in part on them and that they, too, should be included in the educational process. Funding was also redistributed to equate need to product.

Do I believe American education is hopeless? No, but it needs some realistic fixing. APPR is  a joke, tenure should be eliminated, and teachers need equitable pay and benefits comparable to industry education and promotion standards. 

Politics has no place in the future of children. Nepotism in education placement is abominable. Jobs should be given on what one knows, not who one knows. The Common Core isn't common and its purveyors haven't set foot in classrooms to know what is realistic teaching. 

Parents need to go back to being parents, not excuses for caregivers. A child's overall upbringing is the parents' responsibility, not a school's. Teachers have enough to do. They shouldn't be counselors, sex educators, moral arbiters, and have to do their job with no ability to discipline brats whose parents have abdicated their roles as responsible adults.

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A Merry Toddler Christmas

A Merry Toddler Christmas

A recent conversation was overheard at a neighborhood restaurant. A Mom, Grandmother and a young boy were sharing a meal.

Grandmother (GM): I had forgotten how large and cumbersome toddler toys and accessories are. It’s been a while since I have had to Christmas wrap some for a young child.

The Mom: What did you get him? He just turned 2 and really isn’t aware of the latest trends in preschool playthings or electronics.

Young Boy (YB): iPho, iPho

GM: Well- I got him a

Mr. Potato Head. They have changed since you were little. Those had plastic potatoes. You just inserted the facial features into small holes. I had the prehistoric version when I was a girl. It was much more fun. We used real potatoes and jabbed the eyes, nose, ears, and all the other pieces into the potato wherever we wanted. It was much more imaginative play. 

The Mom: And your generation also ingested copious amounts of LSD.

GM: Well, I do remember my mother serving mashed potatoes frequently. She probably kept Idaho in the black just from our own kitchen.

The Mom: Ewww… She actually cooked those drippy, blobs full of holes oozing white goo? That explains a lot.

GM: She told us it was glue. It did stick paper together pretty well. That was before white school glue in bottles. The only alternative we had was a bottle of the brown, smelly stuff. It congealed in the slit that looked like a vag… 

The Mom: I don’t believe we are having this conversation in a public place.

GM: So the Mr. PH I got him is 2 feet tall. They were out of the life size ones, and… 

YB: P? H? E? A? Wheel!!

The Mom: Here’s your applesauce, child. Eat up, now.

GM: At least the potty chair is in a manageable box. I am considering using a spare set of sheets to wrap some items. The easel, for example, and the mini 4 wheeler.

YB: PeePee, PeePee

The Mom: OK- a potty chair is perfect, as long as it doesn’t play music whenever he uses it. 

GM: No, dear. You know that they play only those insipid kiddie songs. Now, if there was one with a solo by Garth Brooks or Roger Waters.

The Mom: Mother! You have such an old lady sense of humor – potty, brooks, waters- what’s next? You are regressing to the mindset of a 12 year old boy.

GM: Well, then I would have something in common with your husband.

YB: Appo. Want appo.

GM: He still loves applesauce. Hm... I think we are missing a money making opportunity here. We could change his name to Mott and give a couple ad firms a call. It's never too early to set up a college fund.

The Mom: Wasn’t there a rock group from the olden days called Mott the Hoople? It was just about when they invented the radio. That was when you were a teen, right?

YB: Hoople, Hoople

GM: They just did a reunion tour in November throughout the UK. They were a late 60’s, early 70’s band with moderate success. 

YB: Bunny Na Na Naaaa 

The Mom: Now listen to him. He’s repeating everything. 

GM: His language is developmentally appropriate. He’s putting 2-3 words together. 

The Mom: At least he didn’t learn to say,

"Pope Francis” despite your best effort. 

YB: Francis Hoople. 

GM: Check please!

Not a CATastrophe

Mama: Earline- I see you have packed several pieces of luggage. Are you traveling?

Earline: Yes. I am so glad Zebrudus is back. He said we are going to get in touch with nature. I hope it doesn’t involve poultry. I am getting a bit tired of the chicken drama. 

Mama: Whatever treat he has planned I am sure you will enjoy it.

Earline: All I know is that I don’t want Tia Xiomara looking at me. That Evil Eye thing is scary.

Mama: The Eye can bring many types of changes. But put that out of your mind. Focus on the present. Where are you two going? 

Earline: I think it’s a theme park and resort. He mentioned something about a cat mountain. That sounds like a thrill ride. Um... I wonder if I brought enough resort gear. I have one bag of swim and beach wear, one for fancy dressing up like dinners, one for sportswear, one for lingerie, one for shoes- how many pairs of strappy sandals do you think I need? One for personal care- moisturizers, massage oils, shower and hair products and equipment, makeup, fragrances, and one bag for accessories like jewelry, belts, sun hats.  Do you think that is enough? We’ll be gone a week, so maybe I will need…

Mama:  Zebrudus’ weight lifting abilities may be put to the test. Oh- here he is now.

Zebrudus: (Enters Mama’s office) Gradzhnya Olvecki everyone.

Mama: %”*^)$3$%?> , Sir.

Earline: Huh? Well, anyhow, I am all packed. Do you like my new sundress? (Twirls and stripy short skirt flares out.) Just right for traveling.

Zebrudus: You look delectable; it’s quite flattering. But we must embark while we have copious hours of daylight.  Quickly slip into the restroom and change. Here are your clothes and boots. (Hands Earline a stack of olive colored clothing.) Don’t forget the sunblock. I’m sure Mama will return your suitcases to your room when she picks up the kittens.

Earline: Wha???  I don’t get it. You said outdoors- like in resort.

Zebrudus: I said nature, like in backpacking. I have everything we will need in these two packs. Yours weighs only 40 or 50 pounds. No problem. (lifts backpack several times with one arm, pumping iron.)

Earline: But, but, but… these boots are so ugly- They tie. They don’t have heels. There’s no bling or anything. Where do I put my iPad? My make up? My curling iron? * Sniff*

Several days later:

Earline: I can’t believe this is our last night. I never thought camping would be fun but it is. I’ve learned a lot.  Who knew I could cook over an open fire, although cooking and fires seem to fit together for me.

Zebrudus: You have shown remarkable poise, stamina and courage in the face of so many unknowns. That is quite admirable.

Earline: Thanks. I’ll clean up the leftovers in a minute. I need to go visit the bushes. (Walks away while Zebrudus sees to their tent and other camping impedimenta.)

A while later:

Zebrudus: I was beginning to get worried- you were gone quite a while. It’s pitch black out now. The sun sets quickly here.  What are you carrying?

Earline: I found this kitten down in a bathtub sized crater. He was crying and couldn’t get out. He must have tumbled in. Why would somebody leave a kitten way out here? I don’t get it. He’s pretty big for a kitten. 

Zebrudus: (as Earline brings kitten into fire light) Earline- put that animal down right now and back away. That’s not a kitten; it’s a mountain lion cub. It is a wild animal and I can assure you the mother is close by. She will want her protect her baby. They are dangerous and can even kill a human if provoked.

Earline: I was wondering why his tail was so long and he had big paws. He’s so cute and soft. I bet he’s hungry. (She puts cub down by bowl of leftover beef stew. Cub eats.)

Zebrudus: You’re bleeding. Did it bite you?

Eatline: He was scared. He just nipped me here between my thumb and index finger. It hardly hurts. He’s been licking it. 

Zebrudus: Earline…

*Snarrrlllll!!!  Yowwwww!!!!* 

Earline: What was that?  I know- Maybe his mama came for him.

Zebrudus: Earline- back away. Oh no- too late!

Huge mama mountain lion leaps into camp between Earline and Zebrudus. She snarls, swiping at him. Zebrudus reluctantly backs away, heading for the tent where he has weapons.

Earline: Hold on there, mama cat!

Mama mountain lion spins toward Earline, snarling. The big cat takes one look at Earline, and then quickly drops down on her stomach submissively. 

Mama Mountain Lion: My apologies, Pikiskwatew kiki asiniwacew.

Earline: That’s okay. No problem. You just wanted to make sure your baby was fine. I understand.

Zebrudus: Earline- back away slowly. I have a rifle but I don’t want to shoot if I don’t have to.

Earline: Calm down, Z. We’re having a conversation here. (She sits down on nearby rock.)

Zebrudus: All I hear is snarling and hissing. What do you mean by conversation?

MML: (to Earline) May I approach the cub?

Earline: Sure- he’s your baby. (To Zebrudus): Just chill and listen.

MML: Cub- why are you here with the humans? 

Cub: I’m sorry Mama. I wanted to touch the moon. I saw it in a big hole.  I reached over the side, stretched my paw down, and I slipped. The moon was only a reflection in a puddle in the big hole, anyway. My paws got wet. I tried to jump out, but I couldn’t. The sides were too high. I missed you and started crying. Then the female human found me. I didn’t mean to bite her but I was scared when she pulled me up…

MML: Hush, cub. (To Earline): Thank you for rescuing this young foolish one. He has chosen to mark you as She Talks with Mountain Lion. It is a very rare gift. Wear the scar with humility and hold the secret close. 

Zebrudus: All I hear is yowling and growls. Can you understand them? What’s going on?

Earline : Shhh, Z. (To mountain lions):  Glad I was there to help. He just tumbled in. Hey, that can be your name, little guy- Tumble.

Tumble: I like it, thanks. Mama- Pikiskwatew gave me beef stew. It’s good but I liked those chickens better.

Earline: So, now we know what really happened to those Town Hall chickens. 

MML: I have to feed my babies. The rabbit population will soon increase again and …

Earline: Don’t worry. The animal sanctuary usually has some leftovers. I’ll make sure Pepe and Raul bring out food every few days and leave it here. With the ATV’s it won’t take long.

MML: I will listen for them from our den up in the mountain caves. Remember that our food must be meat. Cats need the amino acids in meat to survive, especially Taurine. 

Earline. I’ll research that some and get you what you need as long as you leave the chickens alone. I don’t want Mama getting mad. 

MML: Thank you, She Talks. No, the Mama is to be respected. Come Tumble, your siblings are waiting. I caught three fine, fat squirrels to bring home for dinner.

Tumble: Wait until they hear about this! So long, Pikiskwatew. We’ll meet again soon. (They lope off into the night.)

Zebrudus: Are you okay? What was that all about?

Earline: Tumble and his mama were just telling me about the food shortage right now. We worked out a deal. It’s no biggie.

Zebrudus: You really talked with them? Understood them?

Earline: Sure, didn’t you?

Zebrudus: No, I am not a Solomonar when it comes to cats. The zgrimties, the hultan in my family have strong abilities but we do not usually have the gift to understand cats.  But let’s get your hand bandaged.

Earline: I can’t. The mama mountain lion said I was to,” Wear the scar with humility, and hold the secret close.”

Zebrudus: We can then only stem the bleeding. You are right. This gift is rare. It is unusual that the mark will appear on two … Er… Come- let’s retire for the night. 

Earline: I am getting sleepy. 

They quickly finish cleaning up, enter their tent and settle into sleeping bags. Zebrudus extinguishes the lantern.

Zebrudus: (Takes Earline into his arms and holds her protectively.) Let me tell you a story, a legend, actually. The first known part takes place over a thousand years ago. In a mysterious desert kingdom built upon an oasis, a dark haired princess is born…

Chickens in the Trees

Most of North Punty is sleeping soundly. 

Pepe (Li’l Einstein’s older brother and part owner of a backhoe) and Raul (his friend and part owner of a backhoe) are joy riding the back roads looking for trouble they can ill afford to find. 

They are both on the far side of tipsy and should not be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, or even in one.

Pepe: Stop quick, Raul. I wanna to read that sign.

*Screeeeeech* (Car stops leaving trail of rubber.)

Raul: What sign? Oh, that one: “Free Chickens.”

Pepe: Yup. C’mon- I know just how to get back at that snooty judge for that last DUI warning. I am so over community service. Two hundred hours of cleanin’ dog kennels at the animal sanctuary. I never wanna see a dog again. And I weren’t drinkin’ no more then than I is now. Haw haw haw. C’mon.

They exit the vehicle and stagger to the crates of chickens. Following some semi-lucid deliberation they each procure two chickens and miraculously manage to secure the crates. They stagger back to the vehicle amidst much clucking and fluttering of wings from 4 upside down chickens.

Raul: Where we puttin’ these birds fer the ride back? They sure be noisy! We cain’t be driving through town with this squawkin’ and flappin’. It’d give away the plan…

Pepe: (*Click* trunk opens) Just toss ‘em in here. 

Raul: But if they stink up Tia Xiomara’s ride, community service will be the least of our troubles. 

Pepe: I’ll drive fast so they don’t have time to do nothin’.

Raul. That’s usin’ yer brain. Let’s giddyup.

They  toss chickens in trunk, close lid and depart to the town square uneventfully except for muffled squawking every time the vehicle bumps or swerves, which pretty much is constantly. 

Chickens: *Brawwwwkkkk!! Sqawaaaakkkk!! Buck Buck Buck, Pa dawwwwkkk!!* {Repeat from asterisk several times right to left, then left to right}

Raul: Which office is that lady judge’s? What’s her name agin?

Pepe: Her Honor Uh-Huh. Another cousin of Ta-Da and Ah-Ha. Dunno what window’s hers. We’ll just tie up the chickens to the railing here with her name on their tags. Like a late Christmas present. Haw haw haw.

They depart forthwith. 

The next morning the town awakens to a hub bub on the courthouse steps.

Police Chief Currently Serving as Acting Animal Control Officer Ah-Choo: Yup, those are mountain lion tracks. It got whatever was tied up here. * Ka Chew!!* From the few feathers floating about, I’d guess chickens. *Cough* But why there are four dog leashes tied to the railing * Sniff* with your name on tags attached to them, Cousin Judge Uh-Huh, I don’t know.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: I think I do, but until we have more evidence, the Court can’t take further action. By the way, cousin, how are those allergy shots going? I never heard of an animal control officer who was allergic to all kinds of fur and feathers. 

Chief Ah-Choo: Slowly working, thanks. *Sniff* I’ll assign some extra night patrols around here for a while, just in case the cat returns. I’ll also post someone outside your place at night. I think Buff Bicep is available.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: He’ll do just fine. *Smiles to self.*

Very late two nights later, a vehicle again swerves and lurches along the back roads outside North Punty, making one squawky stop. A few hours later:

Earline awakens suddenly as two kittens bound across her prone body to the window seat.

Heisenberg: Yeeoooowwwlll: (translation- what was that?)

Argon: Grrrrrr!!! (translation- Grrrrr!!!)

Earline- Ouch!!! What was that? It’s still dark out- It’s 4:30 AM!

Outside in courtyard: Err er EEEEErrrrrr errrrr! *Squawk Pa Dawk*

Heisenberg: Mrrrrrowp Grr. (translation- That was a rooster.)

Argon: Yow! (translation- And chickens.)

Earline rushes to the window where the kittens are frantically scratching on the glass.

Earline: That sounded like a rooster- and chickens. How could chickens get into the courtyard? There aren’t supposed to be chickens running around here. Why are they in the trees? Chickens don’t live in trees. I better call Mama.

Several minutes later; floodlights illuminate courtyard:

Mama (as everyone gathers in the library): Yes- those appear to be chickens in the trees. Quite strange, especially since they are on leashes attached to branches. Hm… Here comes Her Honor, accompanied by Officer Bicep.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: (arrives from her condo, quickly tying sash on robe) Not again. What were those …

Mama:  Chief Ah-Choo has finished her preliminary investigation. *Ahem* Mr. Bicep- aren’t you supposed to be on duty guarding Her Honor? Your shirt is buttoned askew and you are wearing pink socks and a dog collar.

Officer Bicep: Oops (blushes, glancing guiltily at Her Honor)… Er… I’ll be right back.

Chief Ah-Choo: I have gathered the evidence and the birds along with the security camera footage. Your Honor, you now have sufficient material to proceed. The video clearly identifies the two young men placing the chickens in the trees. I also found Pepe’s wallet on the ground. Officer Bicep and I will swing by The Hacienda and bring them in once he dons his standard uniform.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Don’t be harsh with him, Chief, please. He is an amazing body guard. He did everything to protect me that I asked. My body has never felt safer or more relaxed. Really…

Chief Ah-Choo:  *Hrrrp* As you wish, cousin. But in the future please close your drapes. I shall need to edit some of the security footage before it is presented as evidence. By the way, can I have the name of your, well, never mind—I’ll text you later. Come along, Officer Bicep.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: (finger wave) See you later, Officer.

Four hours later in Her Honor’s courtroom:

Her Honor Uh-Huh: So, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we are finished here. Pepe and Raul, by day you are remanded into Mama’s custody where you will divide your time between attending animal husbandry classes, then building and tending the new free range chicken enclosure Mama has so generously agreed to develop. At the end of the day you will by remanded into Tia Xiomara’s custody where hopefully you will diligently attend to mastering domestic skills. 

Mama: Thank you, Your Honor. I believe the free range eggs will become a welcome addition to the healthy choices on the menus throughout campus. These young men will be quite busy while they work off the bond I posted. The backhoe makes excellent collateral. 

Tia Xiomara: * Ahem* {Points to eye}

Pepe & Raul: No, No!! Not the Stink Eye, Tia, please! Last time you done that we got the runs for a month.

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Then no more fowl play! *Clunk* Court is adjourned. Officer Bicep- my chambers- now!

Officer Bicep: (locking door) Yes, Your Honor? 

Her Honor Uh-Huh: Help me remove my robe, please. 

Officer Bicep: Ma’am- you’re not wearing anything but heels…

Her Honor Uh-Huh: An egregious oversight…