Mama's Night Before Christmas

Mama’s Night Before Christmas (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through North Punty

Few creatures were stirring; tomorrow was Sunday.

The campus was closed, the townsfolk in residence

Engaged in activities without any hesitance.

Earline was wrestling about in the bed

Doing whatever Zebrudus said.

And Mama in her teddy, upon Muscles’ lap

Was just getting into a private “night cap.”

When in the town square there arose such a clatter

They all sprang apart to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorways they flew like a flash

And into the mele to check out the crash.

Moonlight glinted off a tangle of wreckage

That sparkled and glowed like an off-worldly package.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But Ta-Da and her sisters all dressed in their gear.

The stunning tall driver, releasing the stick

Climbed out of the cockpit; Ta-da swore, “Oh Shit!”

“Those sunspots messed up the engine’s capacitor

The GPS tanked, we spun, sinking faster.”

“Now Mama! Now Muscles! Earline and Zebrudus,

This chopper is wrecked, it really is useless.

What are we to do, with gifts to deliver?

Time’s running short, for this lame endeavor.”

“I’ll make a few calls,” Mama said on the fly,

“The night is still young, soon we’ll be in the sky.”

So off to the air base they dashed in a hurry,

The ground crew hopped to it, they moved in a flurry.

And then in a twinkling, the rotors were spinning

The hold filled with packages, Ta-da now grinning.

As she held the collective, Mama’s head turned around,

Leaping up from the skid, Santa came with a bound.

He was dressed all in beachwear from head to his foot

He buckled his seat belt so he would stay put.

“Wouldn’t miss this for anything,” laughed the grand man,

“Gotta keep Ta-da’s secret, the Guardians’ plan.”

“This kingdom of Amazons toil, they don’t tarry.

The elves have retired, but I’m still a bit wary.

The planning and plotting the routes the gals go

We do in the tropics, to heck with the snow.

“Earline’s with Zebrudus, she’ll do as she’s bidden,

She’s too young to know more, this secret stays hidden.”

They nodded and smiled, and winked in agreement

Knowing this was not the time to be lenient.

They spoke not a word but went straight to their work,

Delivered the goodies; none wanted to lurk.

Finished at last, most went home to their bed.

But not Santa nor Muscles nor Mama, who said,

“To our friends round the world, here’s our gift just for you:

Happiness, joy, and a little fun, too.

Be wonderful parents, and spouses and lovers.

What you wish for you, do unto others.

“Never give up; your dreams can come true

Look deep within- you’ll know what to do.”

Raising a glass in the waning moonlight:

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

,

Thirty Necessities for the Worldly Woman- Part 6

It’s Holiday Time. Twinkly lights, sparky trees, Santa photos, snowflakes, caroling, sleigh rides, Grandma’s house, and most importantly- the presents. While keeping in mind that giving is the real deal, somebody has to be the receiver, so why not you? 

23. You never know when you will be asked what you want for Christmas. After your date comes to realize how deserving you are of a little something under the tree, you will need a quick reference list so your wine cellar or jewelry box balances reds, whites and bubblies. The “he d’jour” will also need a vehicle by which to remember what he promised.

In the pre-tech days, a mini rolodex with duplicate cards (one to discreetly slip into his pocket; the other for your reference) made the task easy. But traditional shipping slowed down timely delivery. Now the tech savvy modern gal has at her disposal a variety of options that even the dimmest bulb on the tree can’t mess up. Two simple solutions come to mind.

The first is a label maker. Pre punch pertinent gift info onto strips. Labels are small and you can prepare several in advance so that the selection choice is fluid depending on how the evening progresses. Include succinct details about the gifts and where to purchase/order. Best practice is a phone number and item number if more than one item will come from the same vendor. When Mr. Right Now steps away, affix the label to his keys or billfold. Out of curiosity, he will dial the number the next morning. 

Because of your prep work, a sequence of events will be set into motion. Your beautifully wrapped, personalized gift will be shipped same day and his credit card will be automatically billed a few months down the road as part of the order for his Mother’s Day offering to Mummy (He will never question anything for Mom).  When he actually does present you with a token holiday gift only you will know how genuine the thank you is.

24. Second solution: Text gifting. Text him the next morning and ask him to reply to a different number since your phone is suddenly “broken”. His reply will initiate a similar sequence as above. With a little additional planning, the tag line on his bill can appear as a charitable donation to Save the Grapes or Recycle Green (Bottles or Gems).

25. The weather outside is frightful, so why hang around in the cold when you can party on a warm beach with a little umbrella (or Christmas tree) decked cocktail?  

You: Brrrrrr. I really need to get out of this freezing weather. My libido is shot.

Him: Well, we can’t have that now, can we? I do have a time share available in Bali. 

You: Book it, Danno. (Hands him phone after pushing preprogrammed number on speed dial)

Him: (Five minutes later) The agent said the purchase is all set. I just signed and faxed these papers back. But I don’t understand why it is a purchase; I already bought the timeshare. That didn’t sound like a travel agent.

You: Pack a bag and let’s go. We’ll figure it out on the way. I can already feel my hoohoo starting to thaw. 

Him: That’s great news. But where is Balili , and why does it says you now own a whole island?  

You: Just consider it an investment in my, err… our future. How do you like my new stringless mesh bikini? No tan lines.

Him: That warms the cockles of my...  Stop that. All right, Mummy won’t even notice if I sell a few of her diamonds to keep your skin tone even. Just how does that fabric stay put?

You: Oh- here’s the taxi. Grab that bag of massage products and help me slip this fur coat over my delicate, freezing, pale, supple, needy, throbbing, almost naked body. And close your mouth.

26. Every modern woman needs to eat a healthy diet, so growing your own veggies is the way to go.

You: This should do it. The ad campaign is all in order and I see shoots emerging from the soil already. 

JGG (Jolly Green… {a girl never reveals what ‘Giant’ refers to}): You can expect the first harvest in about a month. These veggies grow fast in the tropics. I love the name, too.

You: I must say it is a stroke of genius, so to speak: Play Food: Six Sexy Servings a Day. 

JGG: The links to yummy recipes, homemade massage oils, spreadable condiments, and your lingerie company make one stop shopping a breeze. I didn’t realize there were so many edible clothing options available.

You: Would you care to sample an appetizer?

27. One can never over accessorize. A quick change of bling can render the plebian office day wear into a stunning evening outfit for a last minute date or venue change. Can’t bring all the options with you? A Bedazzler becomes your best friend. Gone are the huge ‘80’s rhinestones and beads.

The mini bedazzler fits conveniently into a purse or briefcase. Just a couple minutes and a click or two, and that drab pencil skirt morphs into a sparkly mini sure to turn heads at any club. To complete the ensemble, strategically bedazzled crystals on a sheer scarf make a great halter top. 

28. Speaking of bedazzling, with the advent of nanotechnology, tiny microphones, cameras, and other miniscule electronic information gathering devices are easily concealed as sparkly and tasteful additions to cuff links, tie clips, and cell phone cases.  Your original designs make an invaluable (for you) holiday gift for the men on your short list. Be sure your safety deposit box rent is paid up (See # 12) since you will undoubtedly soon add to the stash, err… collection of leverage, er…goodies you are saving for the right moment. 

29. Reliable transportation is always a necessity. For daily needs, auto, bus, train, taxi and feet all get the job done. But when unusual circumstances call for a special ride, don’t be afraid to call in a favor. (See #28).

You: Hello Binky? I know you are stuck at Mummy’s soirée without me, playing air-kissy with those dull princesses, but I totally need a quick ride so I can get there sooner than later. 

Binky: I just can’t get away. BTW- did you receive the collection of replacement mesh bikinis I had couriered over?

You: I did, and I so look forward to having you help me pick the right ones to match my new bedazzled shoe collection. But right now the limo is stuck in traffic.

Binky: Not again. You know …

You: Check your email, Binks.

Binky: (After a short pause) The chopper will be there in 5 minutes. Do you want Donner and Blitzen piloting as usual?

You: Yes, please. I always feel so safe when they travel with me.

Five minutes later:

You: Good evening gentlemen. I feel about an hour of “engine trouble” coming on. Are you ready for another sojourn into the Mile High Club? The starry starry night awaits.

30. A circle of good friends may be your most valued necessity. There are times when girls just need their time alone (sort of).

Friend 1: I can’t believe you own this island.

You: It was actually pretty easy to acquire. Getting all the details set up took a bit longer than I expected but I think you will find it all worth the wait. 

Friend 2: Who are these 8 handsome gentlemen? 

Friend 3: I love their Santa hats and the red speedos with white fur trim.

You: Ladies- Here are my Christmas gifts to you for this long holiday weekend. Meet Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Just go a little easy on Donner and Blitzen . They are still recovering a bit from last night. 

Friend 4-: Oh how delightful. I love presents.

Friend 5: But there are nine of us including you and only 8 of them. 

Friend 6: I hear jingle bells.

Friend 7: Here comes a sleigh driven by a red haired god.

Friend 8: He has a bag in the sleigh.

You: This is Rudy. Santa asked him to share these toys “naughty” girls like. Help yourselves. I need to go cheer up Rudy. See you later.

Breakfast Food

Earline elbows open the stately building’s heavy door. Sidestepping, she widens the opening just enough to enter. She walks in, carefully balancing the bakery tray flat, trying not to drop miscellaneous books and papers fluttering and leaning from her hands at awkward angles.  She wiggles one shoulder to adjust her backpack. Spotting a small table just inside the door she plops all the items down just as some begin to fall. Taking a minute, she shakes her hands to restore circulation and rearranges the various items suitably. A small avalanche of papers nestles about her feet, a few strays floating down the hall. She scoops them all up, stopping occasionally to tug down the back of her impossibly short skirt every time it resumes its creeping journey up her backside.

Stuffing the paperwork back into a folder Earline glances up at the hallway’s high ceilings, disappearing in either direction. In the early evening light the unlit corridors appear gloomy and spooky to her, unlike the cheerful bustle and chatter when classes are in session. She takes a deep, shaky breath and covers the short distance to the wide, curving staircase leading up to the smaller classrooms and offices on the second and third floors. 

Cautiously mounting the first flight of stairs she mutters, “How do women walk in these shoes all the time?  I know 4 inch heels are supposed to be sexy, but really- peacock feathers and googly eyes? Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. I hope Ta-Da down at Scrounge and Lounge is really as fashion savvy as she says. Being from the South, where ladies dress up for every occasion, I guess she must be.” 

Rounding the curve toward Floor 3 she mounts the first tread whispering, “Smile”. Second step- “Yes”. Third step- “Smart”. Fourth step- “Give”. Fifth step-“Ask/Take.” She repeats the mantra with each upward step.

Earline miraculously reaches the third floor without further mishap except for the creeping skirt which now resembles a wide belt. With no place available to set her packages and papers she shimmies left then right, flamenco-ing in circles and gyrating with heels clacking on the marble tiles until the offending garment descends into PG territory.  At the sound of a *cough* from a nearby doorway, She spins around and loses her balance.  One shoe flies from her foot, narrowly missing the head of the man just straightening up from leaning against the door jamb. A small squeak escapes her lips as she begins to tumble backward.

Warm, strong arms encircle Earline’s shoulders from behind, righting her and holding on until she is almost vertical and somewhat steady albeit semi-shoeless. 

Earline: Eeeek, errrr, Hi Dr.Z. You can let go now, I think.  (She looks up at him and smiles tentatively.)

Zebrudus: (Smiles): Are you sure, Earline?

Earline: Yeah, I guess so. I mean…Yes, I’m fine, thank you, Dr. Z. ( Zebrudus releases Earline and she wobbles but remains upright balancing on one leg.)

Zebrudus: Alright then, shall I retrieve your shoe? (He picks it up and dangles it from his index finger.)

Earline: Yup, oops, certainly, I would appreciate it. Can we go into your office? Um… Errr… Are you busy? I’d like a word. (She hobbles after him down the hall.)

Zebrudus: Yes, we can go into my office. I had just finished submitting all the semester grades to the registrar’s office when I thought I heard a woodpecker in the hall, thus my stealthy encounter with you. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Now what can I do for you?

Earline (Drops all her goodies on Dr. Z’s desk.): Well, now that the semester is over and you are stepping down as a professor, I wanted to invite you to a little party the class is having. Even though you were a tough teacher, I really learned a lot. I didn’t think I could ever understand all this science stuff, errr complexities, but your stories related to what I know about.

Zebrudus: Thank you, Earline. I can say the past semester wasn’t without challenges, but I do appreciate your kind words. Dr. Wolfram is a fine chemistry professor and she will continue the second semester admirably. We are fortunate she is here. By the way, I want to congratulate you on your hard work. You really brought your grades up. In fact, you have the honor of receiving the Most Improved Certificate.

Earline: Holy sh.. I mean- Wow, um… Thanks. I didn’t know there was one. 

Zebrudus: There is now. By the way, am I keeping you from something? I notice you have a bakery tray containing doughnuts and muffins listing precariously atop my paperwork.

Earline: (Opens bakery tray) No, I am just where I want to be right now. Would you like a sugary confection?

Zebrudus: Now that you are offering, I am in the mood for a sweet treat.

Earline: (Holds tray out): Help yourself.

Zebrudus: (Removes tray from her hands and gently places his hands on her shoulders): I believe I will…

6 AM the next morning:

ZaPing sounds Mama’s phone. She sleepily detangles her legs from Mr. Muscles torso and reaches for her phone.

Mama: Now who is sending me a text this early?

BaZeep vibrates Mr. Muscles phone. He rolls over and picks up his phone.

Mr. Muscles: Only one person I can imagine, and she better not need bailing out.

They both open their texts to reveal a photo of a peacock feather and googly eyed high heel sprinkled with crumbs and containing an empty muffin paper.

Doughnuts and Muffins

Earline and Mama are having lunch together. Earline is buying:

Earline: (Smiles at Mama) Is your salad good?

Mama (Nods): Yes. The kitchen staff here always makes good meals. The head chef knows I eat here often and that I sign his paycheck.  

Earline: Isn’t that a bit unfair?

Mama: Not really. He is just excellent at his craft and I enjoy what he cooks. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. But enough of that.  What is on your mind, Earline?

Earline: I just want to thank you for the great advice you gave me a while ago.

Mama: To which pearl of wisdom are you referring?

Earline: Huh? Oh- I guess you mean what advice. Well, the one about how to get people to do what you want. I have been practicing and it is working out very well. I could never have figured all that out and your sharing it has helped me so much.

Mama: How so?

Earline: I have an A in Chemistry due to all the help my classmates have given me. All I had to do was be nice and friendly and give them some swimming pointers. They are so smart in science.

Mama: I am glad. So now that you have covered 1-4 with me, just what is your 5?

Earline: Well, it is personal again.

Mama: I am not surprised. But your candor is refreshing.

Earline: OK- so even though you are so old, er… mature now, I guess you were young once. You and Mr. Muscles had to meet sometime. I want to know um… I guess you love him even though the thought of old people doing… *cough cough*

Mama: Doughnuts and Muffins

Earline: Huh? You want dessert but you still have salad.

Mama: No, my little twit, men are either doughnuts or muffins.

Earline: I don’t get it. Are you getting that old lady disease?

Mama: No, Earline. Author Jennifer Crusie equates men to doughnuts or muffins. She says that doughnuts are the men who make you drool. They are gorgeous and crispy and covered in yummy icing and you see one and you have to have it, and if you don’t get it, you think about it all day and then go back to get it because it is a doughnut.

Earline: Mmm… I know about that. The real doughnut icing, I mean.

Mama: Earline- Snap out of the imaginary sugar high and focus.

Earline: OK  *Sigh*. Doughnut make us drool.

Mama: And at first sight muffins sit there all lumpy and they look alike and have no icing. While your favorite muffin is excellent, it is no doughnut.

Earline: So doughnuts are good.

Mama:  Well, for one night. But the next morning they aren’t crisp anymore, and the icing is stuck all to the bag, and they have watery stuff all over them, and they are icky and awful. You can’t keep a doughnut overnight.

Earline: But a muffin is better the next day??

Mama: Muffins are for the long haul and always taste good. They may not have the gotta-have-it-now thing the doughnuts do but you still want them the next morning. *Smiles to herself*

Earline: They taste even better and they are more appealing and you know they are better in the long run.

Mama: Exactly. They become seasoned. But beware! There are doughnuts pretending to be muffins. And muffins pretending to be doughnuts. The trick is to discern the muffin you want from the bag and even if it is a bit doughnut like you can still enjoy the frosting and the sprinkles knowing the underlying muffin value.

Earline: I think I get it. But I gotta think some more. Then go to the bakery.

Mama: Earline, be very cautious. I don’t want you to make a decision you will later deeply regret. 

Earline: (Smiling) Can you trust me this time? I am growing up and this responsibility thing is ok in bits and pieces.   

Mama: I will give you that. (Pats her hand) Now I must go. Thank you for the lunch and food for thought.

Earline: Food for thought. That’s good. Now I need to think about doughnuts and muffins.

Mama strolls through the park for a few minutes contemplating recent events.  Sitting on a bench she composes two lengthy texts. After sending them she looks up idly to see an oblivious Earline heading down another path with a bakery box in her hand.

Basic Salesmanship

*Knock Knock*

Mama: Come in…

Earline enters office.

Earline: Hi. (wringing hands) Can I talk to you?

Mama: (Puts down paperwork and gets up) Of course, dear. Come sit here on the sofa with me. You seem a bit upset. 

Earline: Um.. I… well…(They sit)

Mama: Now, I hope this isn’t about the kitchen. That is long in the past. But you haven’t been cooking any more, have you?

Earline: No. (Takes a deep breath) Here’s my question. Um… You meet with a lot of people and come out of meetings smiling. You must have good meetings.

Mama: I usually achieve the goal I set when I hold a meeting, yes. But that wasn’t a question.

Earline: I guess I am trying to ask about how to get people to do what you want them to. You seem pretty good at it.

Mama: Earline- Are you thinking of starting a business? You have enough going on right now, I believe.

Earline: No- this is personal.

Mama: Oh. I see. Well… First, remember that you can never make anyone do anything voluntarily and successfully that they already don’t have a glimmering of a mindset to do.

Earline: Huh?

Mama: You can force someone at times to accomplish something, but there will be no pride or internal sense of accomplishment to it. It will become a sticking point and close doors. 

Earline: OK. But is there a plan?

Mama: My friend, author Jennifer Crusie humorously spoke to this exact topic in her book Faking It.

Earline: Wait- I gotta take notes.

Mama: No- just memorize it. Never write this down. 

Earline: OK. More work, but this will be worth it. Go.

Mama: You need to approach people the right way. Think more about the other person than yourself. It is a sales pitch. Plan, plan, plan. Then, execute the plan in five steps:

First- Make the person smile.

Earline: How?

Mama: Smile at him. Most people smile back. Once someone smiles, they relax.

Earline. OK. 1. Smile.

Mama: Second- get him to say yes. To anything. Once someone says yes, it is likely he will repeat it. It establishes a pattern. Subsequently, talking with you equates to “yes”.

Earline: OK 1. Smile. 2. Yes.

Mama: Third- make him feel superior. It increases confidence and he will get careless. 

Earline: How?

Mama: Ask him a question he can easily answer. He’ll feel smarter. But not a guy-smart, girl-dumb question. You are creating a false sense of security with your sales pitch. This is serious business, but the mark, er, prospective customer doesn’t realize you, as a female, hold all the cards.

Earline: So 1. Smile. 2. Yes. 3. Superior.

Mama: On four you give him something. Perhaps a compliment, but sound sincere. A compliment goes a long way. Maybe something tangible, depending on the setting. You need to make him think he is way ahead in this meeting. And keep him smiling and nodding.

Earline: Sounds confusing but I will try. 1. Smile. 2. Yes, 3. Superior. 4. Give. 

Mama: Then you move in to close the deal. Ask for what you want but make him think you are doing him a favor by taking it. Be concrete but don’t push it. 

Earline: Like close and lock the door. But gently.

Mama: Somewhat. Go incrementally. Start with something small and with success increase the stakes over time. It builds trust and a sense of ease. People will let their guard down and your job can become easier. But never forget that you are working here. It isn’t a game. You are selling a product or item and you need to make it desirable and irresistible. Don’t lose sight of what you want. And practice, practice, practice.

Earline: OK 1. Smile. 2. Yes. 3. Superior. 4. Give. 5. Ask/take.

Mama: I think you have it. In theory. (Sighs)

Earline: (Looking up at Mama with a sniff) I appreciate this. 

Mama: (slight smile and nod); I know you do.

Earline: Since I don’t have a biological family I depend on you and Mr. Muscles for so much. 

Mama: I know you do. (Pats her hand)

Earline: You have helped me so much.

Mama: This is true, but stop practicing on me. I saw through 3 and 4 when you tried 1 and 2 with those big eyes. Now off with you and go pester your friends.

*Earline exits*

Mr. Muscles: (entering from another door) Should we call Zebrudus and warn him?

Mama: And spoil the fun? I think not. He can handle her. It works two ways. Let those games begin.

Mr. Muscles: *Nods* Yes. The girl is growing up.

Mama: Thank goodness. I had my doubts at times. Did you?

Mr. Muscles: Never. I have no doubts about you, either. (Nuzzling her neck).

Mama: You are right as usual. (Locking office door) I doubt I will get this paperwork finished any time soon. Can you help me?

Mr. Muscles: Of course- in about an hour or so.

*Paperwork flies off desk mysteriously as Mama giggles.*