Mama Cleans Out the Closet- Part 3

Mama: Well, Earline- we finally finished cleaning out all those closets.

Earline: Yes, Mama, it was a LOT of work sorting and deciding what to keep, sell or repurpose. But the auctions went very well, didn’t they?

Mama: Yes, dear, the profits will go a long way in helping pay for the restoration of this building.  It really has beautiful bones and once finished, it will be reborn into another life.

Earline: It sure needed it.

Mama: Yes, and now we are on our way to helping athletes prepare for the games next summer. Let’s go finish up the attic.

Earline: My iPad is all ready to do the invention again

Mama: That’s inventory, dear- one takes inventory.

Earline: OK-  The spider collection, T Rex bones  and the Phyllis Diller wigs were enough. I just hope we don’t find more of those boots here. Who keeps 700 pairs of shoes?

Mama:  Imelda was quite something in that regard.  And these were the Intimate Collection; hence the high heels, backless pumps with feathers, peep toes, chain mail, and lights. Now that Paris person is doing almost the same. She converted her exercise room into a shoe closet.

Earline: (Turns on attic lights) Mama: what are all these round boxes stacked up all over?

Mama: Hat boxes, Earline. Hats were an important part of fashion throughout history. They lent glamour and beauty and a distinguishing touch to a lovely outfit.

Earline: But they would mess up my hair.

Mama: Stop whining, Earline. It’s not about you. Your name is not Me Me.

Earline: No, it’s Earline- you know tha… Oh- I get it, haha.

Mama: (opens first box) Hm.. I see the initials MP are inside.

Earline: Why does that straw hat have the price tag still on it? It doesn’t look new.

Mama: MP- Minnie Pearl- a Nashville legend at the Grand Old Opry. There must be 20 of her hats here.

Earline: Opera? I had to listen to that as part of the culture courses you made me take. Those people didn’teven write songs in English. And the tunes aren’t at all catchy. I can’t sing them in the car.

Mama: Let’s move on, dear- just write it down.

Earline: Here’s a pile with ER II on the outside. They sure look fancy- gold ribbon, leather handles, a castle drawing.

Mama: I suspected as much. Liz was always forgetting something on her trips. I’ll have to give her a call later, but I am sure she won’t want them now. One can recycle hats only so many times.

Earline: Mama- what is this door back in the corner?

Mama : Stand back, dear.

*CREAK* Door opens slowly to reveal a male figure huddled in the corner of a makeshift room.

Mama: (peering in): Who is…? Chuck- is that you again? Come out here right now!

Charles MW: (whining) Mama- - please, I am not myself.

Mama: You certainly are not- especially considering ... Er-Just because Camilla is helping Kate redecorate, it doesn’t mean you can hide out and play dress up with your mum’s old clothes. Now take off that hat and man up.

CMW: Yes, ma’am. Please don’t tell her…

Mama: You are a 60 year old man. Act your age- well maybe you are, but it is unbecoming to your station. And you know I have your mum on speed dial.

CMW: What do you want, Mama?

Mama: Well- a donation to Eddie the Eagle Suite renovation would be quite appropriate.

Earline: *Cough, cough*

Mama: And, is Harry busy this weekend?

Mama Cleans Out the Closet- Part 2

Mama: Earline- Make sure you file Wayne’s letter in the correct tax deduction folder. With a project this size, every write off we can squeeze out helps.

Earline: OK, Mama. Are you feeling better today? I was a little scared yesterday. I am glad Muscles was right downstairs when you started shaking like that in those boots. I am glad he was here to administer mouth to mouth.

Mama: *Giggles* I am fine, dear. I just needed a couple hours to relax. This is a huge endeavor, renovating the entire 300 room hotel for Olympic athlete housing.

Earline (glancing at letter): Mama, who is Wayne?  What collection is he talking about? What other junk was in that closet?

Mama: Wayne is a dear “friend” from the past. He is one of the Las Vegas Legends from the 60’s and 70’s- way before your time. When the gambling industry started to take a hit he almost single handedly brought Las Vegas back to be the new, improved entertainment spot. He and Tom, of course.

Earline: How could he do this alone?

Mama: Well, let’s just say he had some persuasive advice and support from an interested party. He and Tom, both. It’s not unusual…(hums)

Earline: What is this collection he mentions? I know about those ugly boots, but sequin suits, 4 wigs, 6 bolts of fringe? Platform shoes? A case of Maribou feathers? A barrel of Brylcreme? What are pasties?

Mama (grabs letter): Let me see that. Hm… He must be mistaken. I never wore… Oh- never mind.

Earline: Who would collect  and keep all this useless stuff and why would selling it at a closed auction net over five million dollars?

Mama: Earline, dear, some people will pay an awful lot so information and items stay closed and sealed. DNA testing is a powerful tool.

Earline: So you and Wayne were friends? He said he remembers one weekend in October 19…

Mama: Earline- get back to your filing.

Earline: Yes, ma’am.

Mama: Too bad he can’t smile the way he used to. Botox does have a downside.

Earline: I bet he was once almost as handsome as Muscles is.

Mama: Well, nobody is quite like Muscles in many ways. There are a few who came close in their day- Sean, Roger, Pierce. Those 007 men.. Well, hm… that was acting, although it was fun.

Earline: I better get this done, Mama.  Don’t you have a meeting with the contractor in a few minutes?

Mama: Yes, I do. So many details. (Smiles) And the devil is in the details.

Mama turns and exits the office singing softly: All I needed was a slight distraction for an hour or two…

Mama Cleans Out the Closet- Part 1

Mama: Step lively, Earline, we have a LOT to get done today. The work crews are coming on Monday and we still have several closets to clean out.

Earline: But you said we would set a timer and only work for 30 minutes and then stop.

Mama: Earline- stop whining. You know this is a huge job and volunteering your time will benefit many deserving athletes with affordable housing while they move into intense prep for next summer’s Olympic Games. They have enough to do with athletic training schedules.  And not worry about making ends meet in this way.

Earline: yes, ma’am. I realize this. I am truly grateful for the job and all the other support…

Mama: Then let’s go. Ah- here we are- Bedroom 1 in the American Wing- the Retton Suite. I see the bins are already here for sorting. Discard (we may need a bigger one), Sell, Repurpose, Other. Now, 30 minutes and then a break. I hope the electricity is functioning…

Earline: I got my iPad all ready to write up stuff. The battery is all charged just like you said.

Mama: It is called taking inventory. We have no idea what we may find that could be valuable to someone. And we don’t “got” anything.

Earline: Yes ma’am. I have…

Mama: Very well then. I will bring out the first box- Good Lord- white faux leather Go Go boots.

Earline: Go Go- why say it twice? Where would you Go Go in those awful things?

Mama: (slips them on her feet): Oh- a perfect fit. This brings back mem… (Clears throat) Well, dear, young women such as yourself would earn money dancing in entertainment establishments in cages poised above the customers. And one kept one's clothes on, too. This was the Disco Age. You do know about Disco, don’t you? Gloria Gaynor sang such lively tunes. She and I…Well, never mind.

Earline: Yup, er Yes, ma’am. I have seen those big silver sparkly balls in videos.

Mama: Yes, it was a whole culture. We, er, dancers wore short dresses, Go Go boots, big hair, white pearl lipstick…

Earline: Like the Kardashians?

Mama: *cough* Well, not exactly.

Earline: (typing) One pair ugly white boots

Mama: (moving feet and humming) I love the nightlife, I want to boogie…

Earline: Mama- what are you doing???

Mama: Come on Earline- You can do this- (spins, gyrates in slick 60’s moves, sings).

Earline: (Into phone) Hello? Muscles? You better come up here fast- I think Mama is having a seizure.

Mama: See that girl, watch that scene- I’M the Dancing Queen.

 Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive!!!

Muscles: (Runs into room and stops short) Er- Ok, Earline- Why don’t you go down and help Tom Tricep demo the kitchen. I am sure he needs you. I’ve got this covered here. (Pushes Earline out and locks door.)

Mama: Well, you can tell by the way I move…

Muscles: (envelops mama in his arms) (whispering): Yes, I surely can.

Mama: *Giggle*

Secrets to a Successful Marriage

In just a few hours, New York State officials will be legally empowered to perform same sex marriages. According to the news media and  people who track statistics, “thousands” of same sex couples have purchased marriage licenses, some waiting on the first available day in line beginning at pre-dawn hours to fill out paperwork for a future privilege.

Two cities in New York will open offices at midnight. In Albany the mayor will officiate at the first union at 12:01 AM. One local gay bar is holding a pre marriage reception (perhaps in reverse of the usual order of things) for the two men who will be uniting as a couple. Congratulations to them and those who follow.

In light of the current focus on marriage in New York, Mama wishes to dispense sage advice to all newly married couples regardless of the gender of the two people involved.

Traditional marriage is supposedly based on love. Love will be everlasting. Love will conquer all. Love will see us through- richer, poorer, better, worse, etc. Of course, the less stress, the more likely two people will live harmoniously; ergo, richer, better, healthy, etc. are desirable. Nobody normal enters a union looking for poverty, poor health, bad times, bunions, flatulence, snoring, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

Recently Mama, Inc, interviewed several hundred couples who have been married to their one and only partner for over 40 years. If you can stand someone for at least forty years, chances are pretty good you can tolerate them for the next forty, mainly since any change is too much to fathom after that. Why go to all the trouble breaking in somebody else.

Here are snippets of wisdom gleaned from the interviews:

Couple 1:

He: We have slept in the same bed every night since we were married 57 years ago.

She: Not always at the same time.

Couple 2:

He: As the years pass she has stopped snoring. She’s more beautiful now than the day I married her 42 years ago.

She: You have developed cataracts and a hearing loss.

Couple 3:

He: She always put me first in all she did.

She: First I put his personal hygiene items in the guest bathroom. Next I put his clothes in the guest room dresser. Then I put his pillow on the guest room bed. Then I put him in the guest  bed.

Couple 4:

He: After we had been married for 10 years I took her to Hawaii for our anniversary.

She: It was such a wonderful trip.

He: Last week, for our 50^th anniversary I went back and picked her up.

Mama says,  “Life happens. It’s not about self, but selfless. Only when one gives away self can one receive self back.”

Carrots are Food and Friends

In an effort to continue promoting a healthy lifestyle for people birth through adulthood, Mama, Inc. is researching methods to introduce healthy eating habits early in life so they will become permanent adult habits.

Somehow vegetables have gotten a bad reputation and young children more often than not wrinkle up their noses when offered carrot sticks and cucumber slices for snacks. Alternately, bribes of unhealthy sweets establish a pattern of corruption, payola and graft with parents, teaching immoral and unethical methodologies aka the end justifies the means.

Stop being push overs to your kids. Give them what they are supposed to eat without compromise. When they get hungry, they will eat what is available.

Recipes to help establish balanced meals are fun and kids can be taught good cooking habits early on, too. Here are some examples:

1.   Cucumber ice cream: Toss in a few mint leaves for a summer refresher. Minty freshness will taste yummy. You may want to dispose of the cucumber seeds first.

2.   Kids will eat almost anything with tomato sauce on it. And there is a veggie serving in itself. For added fiber, cut cereal bars into rotini shapes and spoon pizza sauce over them. Cheese is optional but a great source of calcium.

3.   Get out the juicer. Light colored veggies juiced up to look like milk, such as cauliflower and turnips, can go over nutritious cereal such as Special K (K for Kale). Add parsnips for a nippy change of pace. Vanilla can give a sweeter flavor.

4.   Pizza is always a kid fave. Sliced up carrots sprinkled with oregano will pass for pepperoni. Spinach and collard greens look like spices when cut up.

5.   Dip celery sticks into chocolate as edible dessert chopsticks. Have a race to see who can pick up the most peas. Winner gets choice of pancake additive- shredded carrots or diced peppers.

6.   Hide a few colored frosting sprinkles among lettuce leaves and have the kids find the bugs.

7.   Pea soup is yummy, especially over pancakes or waffles. Top with a cherry for a color contrast.

8.   Now for juice. The trend is for Cran- everything. I’ll bet you never drank CranPruneGrape.

9.   How about AvacadoApple?

That’s enough to get started. Let your imagination fly.

So you see, veggies are easy to incorporate into kids’ diets. And for exercise, chase them down the street brandishing a handful of broccoli.

Mama says, “ Yummy for the tummy keeps the brain from getting scummy.”

Condoms- the Multipurpose Accessory

For educational and informational purposes and to uphold the highest rigorous standards of scientific research, Mama, Inc. has worked hard over the past several months to evaluate many types of condoms. Using methods that involve comparison, contrast, interview, experimentation, empirical evidence, forensic analysis, observation, inspection and many additional “tion”s and “ic”s, Mama, Inc., along with several subsidiaries, not the least of which is Muscles, Inc. has defined new and cutting edge technology for better, safer and expanded use of condoms in your life.

First, a review of condom types is in order. The purpose will become clear in a bit, so hang tough, so to speak. Condoms come in every color imaginable, and some a bit unbelievable. Neon colors, plaids, for die hard Scots, polka dots, stripes, any pattern. Some have rulers in case size really matters, some have pictures of celebrities including world leaders or rock stars, royalty, financial gurus, etc. You can even send away to have your own likeness imprinted from a favorite photo.

T-Rex, kitchen appliances, sporting paraphernalia such as golf clubs and baseball bats, cowboy boots, famous sayings and quotes all adorn condoms. Medical grossness (spots, boils, weeping sores) may be one’s choice but this seems a bit off putting for certain times.

Sound options also exist. One version whistles several ditties from which one can choose. The faster the action, the faster the song plays. The music can even be broadcast through one’s 4g phone or iPad once the technology is hooked up. Mama’s vote goes to “Rule Britannia” since military posture is usually desirable.

Bling adorns many condoms. Ribs, feathers, jewels, sparkles, solid or blinking lights, glow in the dark all provide features that could be useful in emergency situations like power failures or vehicular malfunctions. An OnStar operator interviewed confirmed that the visual effect of blinking lights viewed through the sun roof once helped emergency responders in a helicopter locate a person in need experiencing a personal problem involving a vehicle component.

Size variations are very important features for many reasons to be explained below.

So, now armed with all this information, the 21^st century woman can multitask with a multifunctional tool to fit almost every need.

First, gather together eleven friends. Motor to your favorite big box retail outlet or pharmacy. Enter in groups of 2 or 3 and surreptitiously meet in the family planning aisle. This plan avoids drawing suspicious glances from unwanted snoopers such as security guards, unattractive, desperate, single men looking to score, religious whackos, and probably Romanian males (see previous blog for details).

Some groups may want to bring a cart or basket with a few random items already included. Fake purchases aimed at giving out the “leave me alone” vibe include lice shampoo, hemorrhoid cream, heavy duty sanitary products, six or seven types of depilatories, constipation relief pills, Fig Newtons, Extra Strength toilet tissue, air sanitizer spray, and several  garlic bulbs.

Next, each person should select a dozen box of their condom of choice. Head to the check out and carefully sneak the unwanted fake purchases into carts of other shoppers as you go. Be assured this will make for lively conversations later. You may all want to go to the same check out. If so, choose a high school boy (he will have great dreams tonight) or an older woman (she will also have great dreams tonight).

Be sure to pose for photos as you leave with the person checking receipts at the door, and later post them on Facebook. Include a witty caption such as, “Chauncy moonlighting as pimp- anonymous tip to IRS follows.” Include the phone number of several real estate or insurance agents.

Meet up and dole out the condoms so everybody gets one of each kind. Now your personal experiments begin.

Suggested uses:

·        Coin holders- one for each coin denomination. No more rooting around in change purses while holding up check out lines.

·        Tourniquet- while it is best to avoid close contact with vipers, gila monsters, intravenous drug users and out of practice or unemployed hematologists, one should always be prepared.

·        Bandages- One doesn’t always remember tuck one into a purse or pocket. Who needs the extra bulk when you already have a form of sanitary covering with you?

·        Cover that blister when new shoes rub unexpectedly. You will receive many compliments on your glow in the dark anklets.

·        Sick bag. Reserve the XL size for this emergency.

·        Rain hat- a proper lady’s hair stays dry in all circumstances appropriate. Perhaps the feather tip condom can add that touch of bling.

·        iPod substitute while exercising. Great for keeping the cadence steady. Try several personal locations for maximum friction output.

·        Can be a lifesaver in the case of a wardrobe malfunction. Fix a bra strap, use in place of a bra, hook several together for a belt, but don’t overuse- they stretch.

·        Last minute Christmas tree topper- light up varieties are recommended.

So with these basic suggestions, you can use your imagination and go from here. Please submit your ideas with photo to Mama.com by September 30. Those submitting the Top 10 ideas will receive a gift certificate for a year’s supply of the products of choice.

Mama says, “I need say nothing else.”

Looking for Mr. Mel...

Today is my friend’s birthday.  Melania lives in Romania, a country once part of the mysterious Eastern European area. But if Mel is any indication of a typical 21^st century Romanian woman then the world better watch out. She is extremely compassionate, loving, down to earth and lovely in more than a physical sense. Her soul shines through in all she says. Mel works as a translator. She is multi-lingual; she understands bullshit in several languages. Not much gets past her. 

Mel is single and wants that to change ASAP. She is looking for Mr. Right, and won’t settle for Mr. Right Now. Apparently there aren’t any single Romanian men or they are brain dead, because they are missing out on a future with a tremendous woman. 

I know that as women we are stuck doing all the mate seeking work, but better we set the parameters than end up with the shallow end of the gene pool, which seems to be less of a pool and more of a muck hole lately. So in honor of Mel’s birthday and my breadth and depth of dating knowledge I offer Mel :

Five 21^st Century Sure Fire Methods to Secure a Husband

1.    Update your personal vitae. Not physically, but all the underlying critical enhancements. Men don’t pick up on that subtle stuff very easily and they need time to get past the obvious like hooters and red nail polish. Some never do. Like a horse, you can lead them to the water but sometimes still need to shove their face in and yank out their tongue to get them to drink.

I’m talking about your pedigree. Make sure your shots are up to date, and you have had a recent physical, mammogram and dental checkup. This information should be with you at all times and easily accessible. You may want to keep it on a flash drive disguised as an earring or necklace (easy with a Bedazzler and a few rhinestones) or a downloadable phone app. It could seal the deal for a first date.

2.    Make a list of your Top 5 Must Haves. Suggestions include; Teeth, a Job, a Driver’s License (a vehicle is also a good idea), Working Knowledge of a Washer and Dryer, Familiarity with Kitchen Appliances, No Fear of Water- as in the Shower, a Favorable Credit Rating, Willingness to Sign a PreNup, a Bank Account or Other Measurable Solvency Indicators, ability to Read and Write Fluently in at least One Language, and similar attributes that ensure you will not be taking on the role of Mother.

3.    Avoid searching Internet or print ads that promise to hook you up with “Hot Men in Your Area”. If they are hot, they probably need to bathe, which shouldn’t be something you need to help them with before you meet. If they are in your area you probably already know of them and you should continue to block their calls. If they seem ok there is still probably a glitch like their pet lizard collection, closet full of 1980’s leisure suits or ball of aluminum foil or dental floss in the guest bedroom.

4.    Take up a hobby macho guys gravitate toward. In the wilds of Romania, shooting is a good idea. Take classes in firearm instruction and then purchase a variety of appropriate items that make you look hunting savvy. Plaid clothing, thigh holster and derringer (also for personal protection), baggy pants with numerous pockets, bandolier, Elmer Fudd hat with turn-down ear flaps, etc. If you look the part, they will follow you. You can don the fishnet catsuit, lacy bustier, crotchless tights, or other appealing undergarments before putting on the hunting paraphernalia. The pockets of the baggy pants hold accessories like massage oil, handcuffs, spare batteries and other personal aids to enhance intimate private moments.

5.    I will fax you the web address where I discovered Mr. Muscles. First sign the non-disclosure agreement, have it notarized and return it. This is a very exclusive site and the passwords are encrypted algorithmic prime numbers which change every squilli-second so there is no chance ever of anyone hacking in. Your personal info is guaranteed safe and will not be shared with third party vendors except for Tiffany’s and Donald Trump.

As of yesterday, Herr Hunk and Senor Six Pack were available, and Count Come-to-Me is due in next week. All three just passed their psychological updates and all their CAT scans and sperm counts fell within normal limits, so you should be all set. And just between you, me and the obstetrician, Hunk just settled a deal for another unmapped island in the Pacific.

Mama says, “Happy Birthday, Mel. Numbers are artificial limiting constructs devoid of laughter, true friendship and chocolate.”